I think that the hardest part for me right now is just dealing. Dealing with all of this stuff at the same time. Loving and missing Fabian, guilt over doing so shitty for my customers, stress because I have so much to get done and dealing with this fucked up mental state. It's so much easier to just push it all away. But that's what I've always done and look where it got me. Just knowing about this depression makes me constantly on edge. Constantly watching, waiting, judging ever move, every mood. I know it will be better in the long run, I know that I'll come through all this better and stronger and happier. This is definitely a test that I need to pass.

I'm scared stiff about going to this theatre group meeting on Tuesday. But I have to look at it as a challenge. And I'm sure once I get there I will be happy that I went. Even if it turns out to be less than I hope. It's getting there that's the challenge.

Dr. Gray says I need to get a life. Sounds funny, sounds sarcastic. But it's true. I've never developed as a person in my own right. My life depended on making other people happy. My happiness laid in everyone else's. And now that I'm alone, there is no one to please.