What's new? Are you sitting down? Not that there's anything exceptionally exciting or tragic but... well, I tend to go on and on. And on. And... okay, I've made my point.
So, what is new? I went to Mexico! My first 'vacation' since I went to Florida when I was eight. Stacey and I had been talking about going away for years - we even opened a bank account to save some money one year... and closed it a few months later. Anyway, we did it, it was wonderful. It was pretty cool! There were four pools and we were right on the ocean. The sand is more fine than table salt! (Do you understand that I come from a place called "the rock"?? There's no sand. There is rock.) We lazed around by the water all day - Stacey chasing the sun, me hiding from it. Stacey never burns and she got a burn on her back while wearing SPF 30 sun block in Mexico! I burn in frickin' Alaska.
The hotel was pretty cool. We were on the 10th floor so there was a lot of elevators going on. I actually walked up the stairs 4.5 times - the first time I only made it to the fourth floor! (the first time I was wheezing for my inhaler, the second time I took my inhaler too soon (you are supposed to huff at least 15 minutes before exercising and I took a huff about one minute before I started so it didn't really help), the third time I took my inhaler wrong and sucked it into my stomach again (it raises your blood pressure because it is stimulating your whatever or some such shit - ask my sister, she's the pharmacist!) and the last time I walked up those stairs I barely even breathed heavy (for someone who's body reacts so quickly and dramatically to exercise and good diet, I really do lead a life style on the shit end of the stick sometimes!!). Anyway. Does any of that make sense? I'm stoned again. (don't get me started!)
So, Mexico. We had an amazing view of the Caribbean ocean from our veranda. Two queen sized beds pushed together. I asked Stacey for the bed on the right side because I sleep facing that way and it's the only way I can disguise my little problem (I don't know you well enough to tell you about that one! If I'm hiding it from Stacey, I'm certainly not telling the world!). I was also closest to the bathroom (which was really good since I spent the first night there barfing my guts out!). The mini bar was refilled daily with pop and water and beer, and everything was free (well, perhaps I should say 'included'!).
It was kind of funny, living with Stacey like that. Man, I love her but we are d-i-f-f-e-r-e-n-t! Holy shit. Now I see why she thinks I'm anal and a clean freak. She's a slob. I was even tiding her stuff every day. But, perhaps I shouldn't say a slob because she is actually just like about 85% of most people that I know - I am the odd man out in this equation. But she just leaves a mess in her wake. We got along pretty good. I had some time by myself (which you will hear about next) but I enjoyed being with her. Like she was almost my practise for a man - starting small, without the added pressure of it being a guy and romantic feelings (in my world they are called insecurities... romance = insecure).
As far as I can see, I have two areas of problems with men - getting them and keeping them. A few have fallen through the cracks in the getting them department but they all fell through in the keeping them part. I have learned that I project a different image of who I am than who I actually am. Hmmm, confused? People see me differently than I see myself. The person that people see isn't actually me. I'm getting closer but I still don't think I look like the person that I am; although I do still feel that it will happen in time. So the 'getting' them part is a work in progress. I also think that the revelations and changes of last year are still settling in (actually, sometimes I lose them, veer off track and I would like to get into that if my fingers can handle it!) so I am wondering how I will do next time in the keeping them department. I used my Stacey as kind of a test in dealing with someone else in that scenario (trust me, it hasn't been pretty in the past) but it was also different. I know she loves me, I don't doubt that she is there for me, she is interested in me, she doesn't have the power to go screw someone else and fuck up my life, she doesn't have a penis and therefore I am myself when she is around. (I'm learning, I'm learning! I will learn to be me around the penises soon, I hope! Like. Real. Soon. I. HOPE.)
I wasn't bitchy. I wasn't rude. Or inconsiderate (well, when I was at least I realized it and acknowledged it). And when she was inconsiderate I took it in stride. We didn't squabble or drive each other up the wall at all. I am looking for Stacey with male parts as my life partner. I love that woman. She is irritating sometimes and I think that even makes her better! Because I am irritating sometimes, too! And that's okay. We had a lot of fun! We learned to barter and we went on a club-crawl. Stacey went on a day long outing to see the Mayan Ruins but I stayed in bed that day. I would tell you why but I am fading fast. Maybe more later.
Saturday, December 20, 2008
Friday, November 21, 2008
Update
Well, I haven't been writing much in here lately. I admit - I have moved on, I am with another. I started a career blog to - hopefully - give people a chance to see a bit of my personality. Trying to get someone to look at my stupid resume. I have barely had a call! But, as is my way, I just try something different with the confidence that I will hit the nail on the head eventually. In the mean time, I'm soaking up all of the information that I can get. I'm in training to find a job.
I have been trying and trying to get a job at one of these seniors places. It sounds like so, so, so, so much what I want to do. And, since I haven't been getting any interest, I bought a book about resumes, totally changed what I had from the reverse chronological format to the functional format. And let me tell you - I put the fun in functional! (Not really, I just thought that would be funny to say!!)
Anyway, fingers crossed and all that. If that doesn't work out, I am going to take some courses and a local business school and get some kind of certificate. Just something to have on paper. I wonder if... I used to think that it was the lack of schooling that has been holding me back but now I wonder if it was my resume. Before, the first thing they would see is that I used to manage a ladder business. Not very similar to working with seniors, huh? [Ha! I guess Tom was WRONG! A shorter resume didn't do the trick. But at least I tried it - I'm a little bitter toward Tom right now, but that's another story.]
With the functional format, I put all of my experience first and my work history after that. I am pretty impressed with how it turned out. I said on my cover letter that I wanted to working in business management, property management, public relations and marketing - "but how do you choose one when you want to do it all?" You don't. You get a job with them because it has aspects of all of those jobs and you get to work with people. Then my experience was divided into each of those jobs/roles and I explained what I had accomplished in each field. Then I put a "Going the Extra Mile" section and put a few things that I had done above and beyond.
I'm really excited about it. There is a wee voice in the back of my head that says they might still not call you but you know what I say to that voice? I say, but they might call. And, if they don't, I will do what I have to do until they call or I will move on to something else. Hmmmm. When was I talking just like this before? I almost do it naturally now. People keep saying how positive I am but I somehow feel that, in the long run, most people get irritated by it a bit. I don't know, it just seems like they get sick of the positive talk quick. But that's okay. These days I seem to pick up on the signal and change the subject. I like new me! I think I'm swell!
I put my condo up for sale today. It's not the best time because the market is tanking but it is the best time for me. I feel good about it; it's the right thing for me to do right now. I can't afford it and, even if I could, I know now that it's silly to shell out this much money every month when I can get by on so much less. I think this has been a good financial lesson for me. Now hopefully I can sell this place or find a job so I can put that good financial lesson to the test.
Omigod! How exciting would it be if I got this job???? I am seriously loving the idea of it. I think I would be good at it. I really do. If I don't get it, I plan to find some job in hotel admin to get some experience and something to do while I am working on my degree. And then I will go back and try again. Or I will move on. I think I already said this but that's okay. Stacey brought over a little treat.
So, summary: want the job, condo up for sale, can't wait to move, excited to get going, leaving for Mexico in a couple of days! Whoot! I'm very excited to be finally taking this trip. It's gonna be wicket! And then I will come back and I will start school or I will find a job and a new home and a new car and then I will start school. Muther father I hope I get a shot at that AGM position!! Just let me get my foot in the door - then I'll rule the place!
I have been trying and trying to get a job at one of these seniors places. It sounds like so, so, so, so much what I want to do. And, since I haven't been getting any interest, I bought a book about resumes, totally changed what I had from the reverse chronological format to the functional format. And let me tell you - I put the fun in functional! (Not really, I just thought that would be funny to say!!)
Anyway, fingers crossed and all that. If that doesn't work out, I am going to take some courses and a local business school and get some kind of certificate. Just something to have on paper. I wonder if... I used to think that it was the lack of schooling that has been holding me back but now I wonder if it was my resume. Before, the first thing they would see is that I used to manage a ladder business. Not very similar to working with seniors, huh? [Ha! I guess Tom was WRONG! A shorter resume didn't do the trick. But at least I tried it - I'm a little bitter toward Tom right now, but that's another story.]
With the functional format, I put all of my experience first and my work history after that. I am pretty impressed with how it turned out. I said on my cover letter that I wanted to working in business management, property management, public relations and marketing - "but how do you choose one when you want to do it all?" You don't. You get a job with them because it has aspects of all of those jobs and you get to work with people. Then my experience was divided into each of those jobs/roles and I explained what I had accomplished in each field. Then I put a "Going the Extra Mile" section and put a few things that I had done above and beyond.
I'm really excited about it. There is a wee voice in the back of my head that says they might still not call you but you know what I say to that voice? I say, but they might call. And, if they don't, I will do what I have to do until they call or I will move on to something else. Hmmmm. When was I talking just like this before? I almost do it naturally now. People keep saying how positive I am but I somehow feel that, in the long run, most people get irritated by it a bit. I don't know, it just seems like they get sick of the positive talk quick. But that's okay. These days I seem to pick up on the signal and change the subject. I like new me! I think I'm swell!
I put my condo up for sale today. It's not the best time because the market is tanking but it is the best time for me. I feel good about it; it's the right thing for me to do right now. I can't afford it and, even if I could, I know now that it's silly to shell out this much money every month when I can get by on so much less. I think this has been a good financial lesson for me. Now hopefully I can sell this place or find a job so I can put that good financial lesson to the test.
Omigod! How exciting would it be if I got this job???? I am seriously loving the idea of it. I think I would be good at it. I really do. If I don't get it, I plan to find some job in hotel admin to get some experience and something to do while I am working on my degree. And then I will go back and try again. Or I will move on. I think I already said this but that's okay. Stacey brought over a little treat.
So, summary: want the job, condo up for sale, can't wait to move, excited to get going, leaving for Mexico in a couple of days! Whoot! I'm very excited to be finally taking this trip. It's gonna be wicket! And then I will come back and I will start school or I will find a job and a new home and a new car and then I will start school. Muther father I hope I get a shot at that AGM position!! Just let me get my foot in the door - then I'll rule the place!
Wednesday, November 12, 2008
Horoscope
Scorpio
October 23 - November 21
Whatever you want, dear Scorpio, you need only ask for it and there is a good chance you will get it. And it's about time, too. It seems you have been working exceptionally hard lately. You are certainly due for a raise, if not a promotion. Gather your thoughts, collect your supporting evidence and ask for what you deserve. If your yen for more public recognition is nagging at you, then take steps today to ensure that you get more time in the spotlight.
*** I'd like a new job, please. ***
October 23 - November 21
Whatever you want, dear Scorpio, you need only ask for it and there is a good chance you will get it. And it's about time, too. It seems you have been working exceptionally hard lately. You are certainly due for a raise, if not a promotion. Gather your thoughts, collect your supporting evidence and ask for what you deserve. If your yen for more public recognition is nagging at you, then take steps today to ensure that you get more time in the spotlight.
*** I'd like a new job, please. ***
Thursday, November 6, 2008
I hereby declare today...
THINKING DAY!
Ian & Daisy just left. (pssst... we smoked a dooby! tee hee!) (oh, and, I LOVE THAT DOG!) Debra called while he was here and left a message that she wants to talk about Dad's big trip to Ireland next year. I didn't call her back. I was supposed to call Mom back last night but got so caught up in the cover letter I was writing that it was too late by the time I thought about it. I intended to call her tonight instead but I won't. I have also decided that I won't answer the phone if it rings tonight... I'm going incognito! But it's DEBRA! was my first thought. Good god, have I ever willingly in my whole life not taken a call from Debra? I highly doubt it. And, instead of feeling guilty, I decided that there is nothing wrong with a day off every now and then. It sounds pretty shittin' funny that I want a day off from doing nothing when I have spent so much time bawling my ass off because I was so lonely!! But this is how I feel and there is absolutely nothing wrong with that. I know if there was some problem or emergency I would be there for whomever needed me but... I guess I need me tonight. Ian brought the party favours and graciously left two hours later.
Okay, if I'm totally honest, I don't want anyone to know that I smoked pot today. I don't know why - I just don't. For the same reason I never admit to that very last cigarette that I had in October, after I quit smoking in August. August 7th is still my quit date... the fact that I had one months later was not smoking as much as it was the final step in quiting. Perhaps that's what this is. Then again, that 'one last piece of chocolate' and the fact that Mondays apparently have never existed in my world until now tells me to tread cautiously. I'm not playing with this. I don't think it was some big addiction scenario but I promised myself that if something was interfering with my life and the things that I feel I need to be happy, it has to go. End of story. I'm not saying I will never forgive myself for a relapse. Quite the opposite, actually... I will not only forgive a rare relapse, I will accept it for what it is and not let the guilt at letting myself down YET AGAIN!
I make my choices and I live with them. That's the way I need to live. Everyone else has been telling me my whole life that what I do is wrong. I don't care anymore. I have to do what is right for me. Poor Ian. The reason he was here for so long was because he was so devastated when I told him that I am considering selling my condo. It was killing him. He went over it and over it and I could tell that he couldn't let it go but I was patient and I said that I realize it is not what you would do but I have to do what's right for me. This is what I need and it will make me happy. Just like quiting my job. I understand that it was killing people but I will make my decisions and I will make my mistakes and I will learn from them and I will continue on my path because I am happy. I am different now. This is who I always was but I can handle it now. I accept that I am different and, although it sometimes causes me great IMMENSE pain, it is who I am and it is how I need to live my life. And I am proud of it! This is a part of what people like about me... I was just never able to let them see it. I had to have a nervous breakdown before I would allow myself the time that I need to just be. I still need this time... but I also need to let myself need this time. Without guilt, without resentment, without pain. Just be.
The escalation of this is no different than any other time. The gazzillions of times that I have encountered the roller coaster way of life that I have going for me. This way I have of understanding that something just isn't wrong and, perhaps for the very first time, allowing it to happen naturally. I didn't need to eat, I didn't smoke drugs, I didn't get drunk, I didn't have sex with a stranger... I just accepted it and let it happen. Holy shit, dude... holy fucking shit.
I am living this, mutherfucker! Go me! Muthafeking high five bitch! I'm taking the day off of frekin celebrate!
Ian & Daisy just left. (pssst... we smoked a dooby! tee hee!) (oh, and, I LOVE THAT DOG!) Debra called while he was here and left a message that she wants to talk about Dad's big trip to Ireland next year. I didn't call her back. I was supposed to call Mom back last night but got so caught up in the cover letter I was writing that it was too late by the time I thought about it. I intended to call her tonight instead but I won't. I have also decided that I won't answer the phone if it rings tonight... I'm going incognito! But it's DEBRA! was my first thought. Good god, have I ever willingly in my whole life not taken a call from Debra? I highly doubt it. And, instead of feeling guilty, I decided that there is nothing wrong with a day off every now and then. It sounds pretty shittin' funny that I want a day off from doing nothing when I have spent so much time bawling my ass off because I was so lonely!! But this is how I feel and there is absolutely nothing wrong with that. I know if there was some problem or emergency I would be there for whomever needed me but... I guess I need me tonight. Ian brought the party favours and graciously left two hours later.
Okay, if I'm totally honest, I don't want anyone to know that I smoked pot today. I don't know why - I just don't. For the same reason I never admit to that very last cigarette that I had in October, after I quit smoking in August. August 7th is still my quit date... the fact that I had one months later was not smoking as much as it was the final step in quiting. Perhaps that's what this is. Then again, that 'one last piece of chocolate' and the fact that Mondays apparently have never existed in my world until now tells me to tread cautiously. I'm not playing with this. I don't think it was some big addiction scenario but I promised myself that if something was interfering with my life and the things that I feel I need to be happy, it has to go. End of story. I'm not saying I will never forgive myself for a relapse. Quite the opposite, actually... I will not only forgive a rare relapse, I will accept it for what it is and not let the guilt at letting myself down YET AGAIN!
I make my choices and I live with them. That's the way I need to live. Everyone else has been telling me my whole life that what I do is wrong. I don't care anymore. I have to do what is right for me. Poor Ian. The reason he was here for so long was because he was so devastated when I told him that I am considering selling my condo. It was killing him. He went over it and over it and I could tell that he couldn't let it go but I was patient and I said that I realize it is not what you would do but I have to do what's right for me. This is what I need and it will make me happy. Just like quiting my job. I understand that it was killing people but I will make my decisions and I will make my mistakes and I will learn from them and I will continue on my path because I am happy. I am different now. This is who I always was but I can handle it now. I accept that I am different and, although it sometimes causes me great IMMENSE pain, it is who I am and it is how I need to live my life. And I am proud of it! This is a part of what people like about me... I was just never able to let them see it. I had to have a nervous breakdown before I would allow myself the time that I need to just be. I still need this time... but I also need to let myself need this time. Without guilt, without resentment, without pain. Just be.
The escalation of this is no different than any other time. The gazzillions of times that I have encountered the roller coaster way of life that I have going for me. This way I have of understanding that something just isn't wrong and, perhaps for the very first time, allowing it to happen naturally. I didn't need to eat, I didn't smoke drugs, I didn't get drunk, I didn't have sex with a stranger... I just accepted it and let it happen. Holy shit, dude... holy fucking shit.
I am living this, mutherfucker! Go me! Muthafeking high five bitch! I'm taking the day off of frekin celebrate!
Sunday, November 2, 2008
Say it ain't so
Could that horoscope be true? I feel like I'm getting myself all worked up but, in doing so, am I just doing the old self-fulfilling prophecy crap again? Half of me is temped to start up the pot again because at least then I wouldn't be sitting around crying my ass off constantly but that was a convenient excuse, wasn't it? I was stoned so I wasn't doing the things that I should have been doing. But now I'm not stoned and I'm still not doing those things. Even worse, I'm not doing those things and I'm freaking out about it. I know I'm not giving this my all. Especially the eating/exercising lately. I certainly am beating myself up about it, though.
This is so hard. I know I will come out better on the other end. I know that I have to go through the bad stuff to get to the good stuff. I know that if I don't work for it I won't appreciate it as much. I sure could go for some easy right now, though.
And, you know, the hardest part is, again, being alone all the time. That's where I get all worked up, discouraged, down on myself. I know that being around other people will make a big difference. And I have tried, I've been in contact with a lot of people, I've put myself out there time and time again. My confidence is dwindling away these days and, if it's mainly because I am so lonely, what can I do about it? Right now. Today. Tomorrow. Next week.
Right now I can be active. I haven't exercised or really done anything that didn't involve having the couch strapped to my ass since Monday. I can hop on my stationary bike. I can practise playing the piano. I can pull out my DDR and jump up and down. Clean the kitchen. Clean the bathroom. Work on my resume. Apply for more jobs. Kiss ass on the ones that I really want.
Today I can go to that Langley Players audition, as scary as that idea is now that the time is here. I would love to do that again - be in a play like in high school. In high school I felt that I totally crapped out in the end and let my insecurities mess with my performance. Am I going to do that again? What if I go there and audition and they say no. Can I take more fucking rejection right now? But what if they say yes? But what if they say no. Where did that fearless, challenge confronting, confident, happy version of me go? Squashed like a bug. But who did the squashing?
Tomorrow I can get a dog. That's what I've been wanting so badly forever, isn't it? But I look outside at the rain and... fuck. I look outside and inside and I make excuses. Always excuses. It just kills me to make a commitment, doesn't it? I hate the idea of not everything being peachy keen so I don't do it at all and sit here and be miserable. Of course, at this point, I have to say that a dog just isn't a good idea. I don't have any money and I don't know where I am going to find some. There is a distinct possibility that I will be challenged to find a way to feed myself soon... how can I feed a dog, too? Yes, I do have to wait on that. Not because I'm making excuses but because this isn't the right time. I don't know where my life is going. It wouldn't be fair, to me or to the dog. Okay, I am comfortable putting that aside for right now.
So I still need to find a way to get some company. And soon. The play? Oh. Could I really do it? I honestly don't know, right now I honestly don't know.
This is so hard. I know I will come out better on the other end. I know that I have to go through the bad stuff to get to the good stuff. I know that if I don't work for it I won't appreciate it as much. I sure could go for some easy right now, though.
And, you know, the hardest part is, again, being alone all the time. That's where I get all worked up, discouraged, down on myself. I know that being around other people will make a big difference. And I have tried, I've been in contact with a lot of people, I've put myself out there time and time again. My confidence is dwindling away these days and, if it's mainly because I am so lonely, what can I do about it? Right now. Today. Tomorrow. Next week.
Right now I can be active. I haven't exercised or really done anything that didn't involve having the couch strapped to my ass since Monday. I can hop on my stationary bike. I can practise playing the piano. I can pull out my DDR and jump up and down. Clean the kitchen. Clean the bathroom. Work on my resume. Apply for more jobs. Kiss ass on the ones that I really want.
Today I can go to that Langley Players audition, as scary as that idea is now that the time is here. I would love to do that again - be in a play like in high school. In high school I felt that I totally crapped out in the end and let my insecurities mess with my performance. Am I going to do that again? What if I go there and audition and they say no. Can I take more fucking rejection right now? But what if they say yes? But what if they say no. Where did that fearless, challenge confronting, confident, happy version of me go? Squashed like a bug. But who did the squashing?
Tomorrow I can get a dog. That's what I've been wanting so badly forever, isn't it? But I look outside at the rain and... fuck. I look outside and inside and I make excuses. Always excuses. It just kills me to make a commitment, doesn't it? I hate the idea of not everything being peachy keen so I don't do it at all and sit here and be miserable. Of course, at this point, I have to say that a dog just isn't a good idea. I don't have any money and I don't know where I am going to find some. There is a distinct possibility that I will be challenged to find a way to feed myself soon... how can I feed a dog, too? Yes, I do have to wait on that. Not because I'm making excuses but because this isn't the right time. I don't know where my life is going. It wouldn't be fair, to me or to the dog. Okay, I am comfortable putting that aside for right now.
So I still need to find a way to get some company. And soon. The play? Oh. Could I really do it? I honestly don't know, right now I honestly don't know.
Horoscope
Scorpio
October 23 - November 21
You may feel a bit of disappointment today, dear Scorpio. You might tend to view whatever snags you've hit on the path to accomplishing your goals as personal failures, and if you let it, this idea could persist with you throughout the day. Try to remain objective, and don't lose sight of the big picture. You haven't even lost a battle - at worst, it's a minor skirmish! Chances are that if you continue working hard you'll still win the war!
October 23 - November 21
You may feel a bit of disappointment today, dear Scorpio. You might tend to view whatever snags you've hit on the path to accomplishing your goals as personal failures, and if you let it, this idea could persist with you throughout the day. Try to remain objective, and don't lose sight of the big picture. You haven't even lost a battle - at worst, it's a minor skirmish! Chances are that if you continue working hard you'll still win the war!
Saturday, November 1, 2008
Bored and lonely... mainly just lonely
My god, I am so lonely. It doesn't seem to matter what I do... I can't find a way to stop it. I try and I try and I try and I fail and I fail and I fail. I thought I found all the answers. I thought I knew. I thought it was going to be different now. But it's not. It's the same. It's worse. Maybe I should go back on the pot... at least then I didn't care.
Friday, October 31, 2008
Bored and lonely
I went to the casino with Rob tonight. I looked hot... or I guess about as good as I get. And that question was answered. And the answer was no thanks. I didn't have a terribly good time with him anyway. I so need to get laid. I'm so sick of being alone. I need something to happen. And soon.
Tuesday, October 28, 2008
Merry frickin' b-day
Am I going to cry all day? 37 today... it's been a long year... one that I would really, really like to classify as highly successful and I am confident that one day I will look back at this time and know it was a wonderful thing that I did for myself but today? Is hard.
Birthday calls... fond wishes from family and friends... no, I still don't have a job... nope, no man yet... no money, still fat, stressed to the max... but put on a happy face and say the same thing over and over and over... maybe I'll unplug the phone.
And, yet, I am so lucky. So many people care about me, support me... more than I ever realized. All I had to do was open myself up to it. I feel like a terrible disappointment. Fuck. Every time I start to build myself up and think of the good, the bad smacks me in the fucking face. But these days I say to myself: it's okay, let it out, no one expects you to be half as perfect as you do, small doses of emotion are so much healthier than the extreme outbursts of days gone by.
Sigh. Chin up, Bevie, chin up. Next year you will read this with a smile, knowing that everything worked out for the best. (I hope!!!!)
Birthday calls... fond wishes from family and friends... no, I still don't have a job... nope, no man yet... no money, still fat, stressed to the max... but put on a happy face and say the same thing over and over and over... maybe I'll unplug the phone.
And, yet, I am so lucky. So many people care about me, support me... more than I ever realized. All I had to do was open myself up to it. I feel like a terrible disappointment. Fuck. Every time I start to build myself up and think of the good, the bad smacks me in the fucking face. But these days I say to myself: it's okay, let it out, no one expects you to be half as perfect as you do, small doses of emotion are so much healthier than the extreme outbursts of days gone by.
Sigh. Chin up, Bevie, chin up. Next year you will read this with a smile, knowing that everything worked out for the best. (I hope!!!!)
Friday, October 24, 2008
You win some, you lose some (I'm going to put this down as a win)
hi bev,
thanks for your email..friends it is...now i know where your coming from..and i don't have any regrets meeting you..i really just keep to myself..friends bug me to come out and i just don't...i would rather just hang with my son.but tomorrow i guess i'm going to the foot ball game..they have a bunch of tickets..it should be fun..but you know i would rather stay home...are ya interested in watching nathan for two or three hours till his sister comes over to watch him?????if you do i'll buy ya a drink next weekend at the casino(he goes to his moms).or if ya don't i'll still buy you one...
thanks for your email..friends it is...now i know where your coming from..and i don't have any regrets meeting you..i really just keep to myself..friends bug me to come out and i just don't...i would rather just hang with my son.but tomorrow i guess i'm going to the foot ball game..they have a bunch of tickets..it should be fun..but you know i would rather stay home...are ya interested in watching nathan for two or three hours till his sister comes over to watch him?????if you do i'll buy ya a drink next weekend at the casino(he goes to his moms).or if ya don't i'll still buy you one...
Thursday, October 23, 2008
Rinse and repeat
I wrote this email to Rob after my last post. But before I copy it here, I want to comment on the old journal and old habits. I am on October 2005 in my transposition and every day I am boo hooing about the Fabe and I kept sending him emails!! I honestly don't feel that this is the same situation but I also want to make sure that it doesn't get too similar. I will see if Rob reacts to this email and, if he doesn't, I won't contact him again... poor fella!!!
"Hi Rob:
I expect that you are quite possibly in the early stages of regretting that you ever heard of me but, before that happens, I am going to push my luck just one more time! I will thank you in advance for reading this, thinking about it and coming to terms with what I am going to tell you... hopefully in a good way but... well, I guess we will have to just wait and see.
To put it bluntly, I like you... but I feel that you may be misreading my intentions so I want to clarify a few things. I think we have already established that there are no romantic feelings between us and, in case you haven't already deduced this on your own, I want you to know that I am totally cool with that. There are plenty of fish in the sea and on the web so that is really not a factor in my communications with you anymore and, honestly, hasn't been an issue for quite some time. However, I have always had male friends (and I really like having male friends... because girls can be so irritating sometimes!! tee hee!) and one common factor in all of these relationships has been a long, drawn out period of overcoming the hurdle of the boy/girl stuff. So, I guess I am trying to jump that hurdle at warp speed by telling you that when I comment on things that we could do together, like playing Rock Band or watching a hockey game, I am not inferring or hinting that these are date things. You are a man and I am a woman but we are also just people and, as people, I simply like knowing you and hanging out with you - and Nathan, too. (you're funny and you're fun and you PLAY... do you realize how rare that is??). I am not trying to win you over with cookies or video games, I am just being myself in the only way I can.
So there. That's all. I just hate awkwardness. I hate thinking that I shouldn't say certain things because you think that I am hitting on you. It's totally cool if you didn't reply to my last emails because you are busy or indifferent or even because you just plain didn't want to. Totally cool. Trust me. I like you but (no offence!!) I can live without you. (shit, that's terrible but I didn't know how else to put it!!!). Just... if you don't want to hang out with me, that's totally your decision and totally, totally okay... but if you do want to be my friend but have hesitated because you think that I am looking for more, I simply want to assure you that I'm not. You are fun, I am fun, we have fun together... it's that simple.
Okay, that's all I wanted to say. I'm glad I got that off my chest. I never claimed to be shy but I am not always this abrupt either... I just don't know how else I am going to touch a frog again!!!!!! And I want to go zip-lining soon and, if you play your cards right, I just might invite you to come, too!
Cheers, friend"
"Hi Rob:
I expect that you are quite possibly in the early stages of regretting that you ever heard of me but, before that happens, I am going to push my luck just one more time! I will thank you in advance for reading this, thinking about it and coming to terms with what I am going to tell you... hopefully in a good way but... well, I guess we will have to just wait and see.
To put it bluntly, I like you... but I feel that you may be misreading my intentions so I want to clarify a few things. I think we have already established that there are no romantic feelings between us and, in case you haven't already deduced this on your own, I want you to know that I am totally cool with that. There are plenty of fish in the sea and on the web so that is really not a factor in my communications with you anymore and, honestly, hasn't been an issue for quite some time. However, I have always had male friends (and I really like having male friends... because girls can be so irritating sometimes!! tee hee!) and one common factor in all of these relationships has been a long, drawn out period of overcoming the hurdle of the boy/girl stuff. So, I guess I am trying to jump that hurdle at warp speed by telling you that when I comment on things that we could do together, like playing Rock Band or watching a hockey game, I am not inferring or hinting that these are date things. You are a man and I am a woman but we are also just people and, as people, I simply like knowing you and hanging out with you - and Nathan, too. (you're funny and you're fun and you PLAY... do you realize how rare that is??). I am not trying to win you over with cookies or video games, I am just being myself in the only way I can.
So there. That's all. I just hate awkwardness. I hate thinking that I shouldn't say certain things because you think that I am hitting on you. It's totally cool if you didn't reply to my last emails because you are busy or indifferent or even because you just plain didn't want to. Totally cool. Trust me. I like you but (no offence!!) I can live without you. (shit, that's terrible but I didn't know how else to put it!!!). Just... if you don't want to hang out with me, that's totally your decision and totally, totally okay... but if you do want to be my friend but have hesitated because you think that I am looking for more, I simply want to assure you that I'm not. You are fun, I am fun, we have fun together... it's that simple.
Okay, that's all I wanted to say. I'm glad I got that off my chest. I never claimed to be shy but I am not always this abrupt either... I just don't know how else I am going to touch a frog again!!!!!! And I want to go zip-lining soon and, if you play your cards right, I just might invite you to come, too!
Cheers, friend"
Here's what's going on today
I love you. Did I mention that before? Man, the freedom that this blog has given me is like nothing I have ever experienced. Of course, I am different now... able to be more open and express myself but a lot of that is because I can pull out my keyboard at any given moment and work out whatever happens to be boggling my mind. So thank you. How silly, thanking an inanimate object but that's okay... I'm silly. *grin*
Okay, so there are three things that I want to talk about. Firstly, as this is of immediate importance, I hate food. I know I have always had a love/hate relationship with food but today it's mostly just hate. And not because I want what I can't have but because I don't want. I don't want to eat. I have no appetite. I had a bowl of cereal this morning because I had to stop the growling and that is the only morsel of food that has entered my body today. And I know that this is a big stumbling block in my weight-loss efforts. When this happened in the olden days, I would eat junk. I only ate junk because I had no interest in good food - if I could order it or run out and get it in five minutes or make it in ten, I would eat it. Otherwise, no thank you very much. But now these pictures are ingrained into my brain and I don't want the junk either so now I have nothing. I'm munching on an apple to try and use Ian's trick of making me eat something small so that I could get an appetite for something big... it usually works so we'll see. I need food for fuel because when I don't eat, I don't exercise and I my body will start freaking out and holding on to the fat tighter as it foresees starvation mode. Picking here and there isn't enough... and right now I would normally pick up the phone and call the local pizza joint but now that is no longer an option either. Fatty.
Judy from Big Sisters just left... we had our second meeting here - the "home visit". We had a good talk and the last hour or so was mostly her talking about her frustrations with recent problems in the organization and her impending retirement. (Basically her replacement isn't working out and she has not been able to effectively communicate the issues with the board of directors that make all of those decisions) I lost count of how many times she said that she had told me more than she should have, that it was inappropriate to discuss these things. And, yes, it is in general I guess but I have always drawn people out in this way and I assured her that the things I told her would go no further than my ears - perhaps I should have mentioned my blog! Anyway, I guess my point is that I like the fact that I draw people out in this way. I am glad that there is something about my personality that makes people trust and confide in me. It renews my faith in the path that I have been travelling.
And my third topic - surprise, surprise - is Rob. Somewhere during my conversation with Judy, I decided to email Rob and put it all out on the line. Not the crush, although I am sure that's what you are expecting. No, I want to tell him that I'm totally cool with things not going in that direction and I would still like to be friends and not feel like I am making him uncomfortable when I ask him to do things. A little, teeny thought that goes something like "should I??" pops up but the answer is yes! I won't be any further behind than I am right now and I like him... I like him as a person and that shouldn't be pushed aside just because I'm a girl and he's a boy! So, I'm gonna. I think. I will. Maybe...
Okay, so there are three things that I want to talk about. Firstly, as this is of immediate importance, I hate food. I know I have always had a love/hate relationship with food but today it's mostly just hate. And not because I want what I can't have but because I don't want. I don't want to eat. I have no appetite. I had a bowl of cereal this morning because I had to stop the growling and that is the only morsel of food that has entered my body today. And I know that this is a big stumbling block in my weight-loss efforts. When this happened in the olden days, I would eat junk. I only ate junk because I had no interest in good food - if I could order it or run out and get it in five minutes or make it in ten, I would eat it. Otherwise, no thank you very much. But now these pictures are ingrained into my brain and I don't want the junk either so now I have nothing. I'm munching on an apple to try and use Ian's trick of making me eat something small so that I could get an appetite for something big... it usually works so we'll see. I need food for fuel because when I don't eat, I don't exercise and I my body will start freaking out and holding on to the fat tighter as it foresees starvation mode. Picking here and there isn't enough... and right now I would normally pick up the phone and call the local pizza joint but now that is no longer an option either. Fatty.
Judy from Big Sisters just left... we had our second meeting here - the "home visit". We had a good talk and the last hour or so was mostly her talking about her frustrations with recent problems in the organization and her impending retirement. (Basically her replacement isn't working out and she has not been able to effectively communicate the issues with the board of directors that make all of those decisions) I lost count of how many times she said that she had told me more than she should have, that it was inappropriate to discuss these things. And, yes, it is in general I guess but I have always drawn people out in this way and I assured her that the things I told her would go no further than my ears - perhaps I should have mentioned my blog! Anyway, I guess my point is that I like the fact that I draw people out in this way. I am glad that there is something about my personality that makes people trust and confide in me. It renews my faith in the path that I have been travelling.
And my third topic - surprise, surprise - is Rob. Somewhere during my conversation with Judy, I decided to email Rob and put it all out on the line. Not the crush, although I am sure that's what you are expecting. No, I want to tell him that I'm totally cool with things not going in that direction and I would still like to be friends and not feel like I am making him uncomfortable when I ask him to do things. A little, teeny thought that goes something like "should I??" pops up but the answer is yes! I won't be any further behind than I am right now and I like him... I like him as a person and that shouldn't be pushed aside just because I'm a girl and he's a boy! So, I'm gonna. I think. I will. Maybe...
Wednesday, October 22, 2008
S-e-x
I need to get laid, I need to be touched. It hurts... I need it so bad it actually hurts. Just now I was fantasizing about asking Fabian if he would be up for a one-nighter. Not a fuck and leave but good sex... romantic sex... foreplay... kissing... touching... his penis in my mouth. Fuck. Writing this is not helping AT ALL!!!!
Tuesday, October 21, 2008
Monday, October 20, 2008
Big Sister
I had my interview with the Big Brothers/Big Sisters people today... Judy. It was supposed to last for 2 hours... after three and a half we still weren't finished! Next she comes here on Wednesday and then I get matched. They are trying to start a new program with foster children that I am really interested in but she isn't sure if it's going to fly yet. Either way, I'm glad that I am finally doing this after all this time. I have been wanting to volunteer since I moved out here.
The meeting made me wonder... why is it that every time I go to this type of thing, people are in awe or so amazed at how wonderful I am and yet I can't find a man or a fucking job? I thought that maybe it would be better if employers and men can meet me face to face because that usually seems to make a difference. I guess that's why I think that my weight is such a big issue for the dating sites but it wasn't sitting right with me. Yes, yes, I'm fat, whatever... that doesn't mean that no one will contact me. They have contacted me before but not lately so what's different?
Well, the theory that I came up with - and am currently testing - is this: perhaps I was trying too hard. All that mumbo-jumbo on my profile isn't helping... men are visual and don't really care about all that deep down stuff until later... all it was doing was turning them off or scaring them away. I started thinking that perhaps I got it backward again... I was putting too much effort into my profile but not enough effort into my job applications.
The first part of the theory is already in progress: I simply changed my profile to "This easy-going Newfie gal is looking for a funny and adventurous guy who loves kids and dogs. Sound like you? Drop me a note and say hi..." and I have already received two emails and one favourite in the half hour since I changed it! Sonofabitch, dude! Now I think I will start scouring through the boy profiles and sending notes to the ones that I like. Rejection is my middle name - I can take it like nobody's business so why not, right?
As for the jobs, tomorrow I am going to start applying for a couple of jobs that pay well but that I am not overly enthusiastic about... and I am going to ooze charm and see if I get an interview at the very least.
I'm sofaking backward all the time it blows me away!!!!!!!!!
The meeting made me wonder... why is it that every time I go to this type of thing, people are in awe or so amazed at how wonderful I am and yet I can't find a man or a fucking job? I thought that maybe it would be better if employers and men can meet me face to face because that usually seems to make a difference. I guess that's why I think that my weight is such a big issue for the dating sites but it wasn't sitting right with me. Yes, yes, I'm fat, whatever... that doesn't mean that no one will contact me. They have contacted me before but not lately so what's different?
Well, the theory that I came up with - and am currently testing - is this: perhaps I was trying too hard. All that mumbo-jumbo on my profile isn't helping... men are visual and don't really care about all that deep down stuff until later... all it was doing was turning them off or scaring them away. I started thinking that perhaps I got it backward again... I was putting too much effort into my profile but not enough effort into my job applications.
The first part of the theory is already in progress: I simply changed my profile to "This easy-going Newfie gal is looking for a funny and adventurous guy who loves kids and dogs. Sound like you? Drop me a note and say hi..." and I have already received two emails and one favourite in the half hour since I changed it! Sonofabitch, dude! Now I think I will start scouring through the boy profiles and sending notes to the ones that I like. Rejection is my middle name - I can take it like nobody's business so why not, right?
As for the jobs, tomorrow I am going to start applying for a couple of jobs that pay well but that I am not overly enthusiastic about... and I am going to ooze charm and see if I get an interview at the very least.
I'm sofaking backward all the time it blows me away!!!!!!!!!
Saturday, October 18, 2008
Buns of flab
Well, those pictures are doing the job... I don't want to eat. At all. And I hate myself. That's the only way that I know to describe what I have been going through this past few days... pure hatred. Mixed with shame. And a couple of dashes of regret. What the fuck was I thinking? I fucking want some fucking chocolate. And lots of it. Mother fucker. What is going to become of me? It's not looking good at this point.
Thursday, October 16, 2008
Fed up
OMG! I am so sick of this, I can't even tell you. I'm fucking bored and lonely and nobody wants to love me and nobody wants to give me a job and I'm an outsider everywhere just like I have always been for my whole fucking life. Why can't I just be like every body else? Why do I torture myself like I do? I want food. I want out. I don't know how much longer I can take this. I'm so full of shit. I'm nothing special. All of this blahg crap is a load of bullshit and I WANT OUT!
Monday, October 13, 2008
Pics with punch
Well, last night I took a couple of pictures of me in my pj's, sitting on the couch, watching tv, gut hanging out from under my shirt for all the world to see. I printed those pictures and put them on my fridge so I would see them a million times a day. I want the image of what I really look like burned into my brain so I will stop making these stupid decisions... just one more won't hurt, right?
Ugh. I have to say, I would have less respect for Rob if he liked me as I look right now. Okay, well, it's really easy to say that because it seems like he indeed does not like me in that way and I am just coming to terms with it so please excuse me.
I don't get any hits on the POF site these days, either. I wonder if I should hide my profile for a while. Just a really little while... until I get into the next pant size maybe. I just don't like anyone - except Rob - anyway. Part of me says that I should leave it up because you never know but... oh, I don't know.
I'm so sick of becoming me. I want to just be me already. I need to stop asking why. I need to stop thinking CONSTANTLY and start being or something, I don't know... just move on already. Enough, enough... I need a life again now, please.
Ugh. I have to say, I would have less respect for Rob if he liked me as I look right now. Okay, well, it's really easy to say that because it seems like he indeed does not like me in that way and I am just coming to terms with it so please excuse me.
I don't get any hits on the POF site these days, either. I wonder if I should hide my profile for a while. Just a really little while... until I get into the next pant size maybe. I just don't like anyone - except Rob - anyway. Part of me says that I should leave it up because you never know but... oh, I don't know.
I'm so sick of becoming me. I want to just be me already. I need to stop asking why. I need to stop thinking CONSTANTLY and start being or something, I don't know... just move on already. Enough, enough... I need a life again now, please.
Sunday, October 12, 2008
Friends
You know, something just occurred to me. Maybe he just wants to be friends. Perhaps he really likes me but doesn't feel that there is chemistry. I think I can live with that for a while. I think I would like that for a while. I'm so damn good at being friends with my boyfriends after we break up... why not try being friends and let's just see? Sounds like an option.
Obviously I am not happy with how I look. I have said a million times that I'm only fat on the outside. I truly don't think that this is what I look like. This is a cloak, a suit, protective armour. I think that I would like to shed this armour and all the while become friends with this man that I hope so much is a part of my future. I will always leave the door open and when (okay, if) he makes a move on me it will be because he is physically attracted to me... because he feels chemistry. I feel chemistry. There is chemistry. I just need to get out of this fat suit so he can see it. It's like that movie where the girl dresses up as her brother to play soccer but falls in love with his friend. It's like Rodney finally becoming Robyn. It is letting your inside come out. It is being comfortable enough with who I am on the inside that I can let it show on the outside. My reasons for wearing this cloak are no longer valid... it's time to let go.
And reach out for a family of my own. (HOLY FUCK!!!)
Obviously I am not happy with how I look. I have said a million times that I'm only fat on the outside. I truly don't think that this is what I look like. This is a cloak, a suit, protective armour. I think that I would like to shed this armour and all the while become friends with this man that I hope so much is a part of my future. I will always leave the door open and when (okay, if) he makes a move on me it will be because he is physically attracted to me... because he feels chemistry. I feel chemistry. There is chemistry. I just need to get out of this fat suit so he can see it. It's like that movie where the girl dresses up as her brother to play soccer but falls in love with his friend. It's like Rodney finally becoming Robyn. It is letting your inside come out. It is being comfortable enough with who I am on the inside that I can let it show on the outside. My reasons for wearing this cloak are no longer valid... it's time to let go.
And reach out for a family of my own. (HOLY FUCK!!!)
Yesterday
Oh, yesterday was a good day. I went hunting for frogs! And then we went for a walk around the park and kicked a soccer ball around! And then Rob and Nathan came here for a while for some cookies!!! Oh yeah... good day.
Today? I want to see them. I want to touch Rob. I ache to touch him. I didn't say sex... I said touch, lean against, breath, kiss, touch. Oh yeah... oh yeah.
Today? I want to see them. I want to touch Rob. I ache to touch him. I didn't say sex... I said touch, lean against, breath, kiss, touch. Oh yeah... oh yeah.
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