Could that horoscope be true? I feel like I'm getting myself all worked up but, in doing so, am I just doing the old self-fulfilling prophecy crap again? Half of me is temped to start up the pot again because at least then I wouldn't be sitting around crying my ass off constantly but that was a convenient excuse, wasn't it? I was stoned so I wasn't doing the things that I should have been doing. But now I'm not stoned and I'm still not doing those things. Even worse, I'm not doing those things and I'm freaking out about it. I know I'm not giving this my all. Especially the eating/exercising lately. I certainly am beating myself up about it, though.
This is so hard. I know I will come out better on the other end. I know that I have to go through the bad stuff to get to the good stuff. I know that if I don't work for it I won't appreciate it as much. I sure could go for some easy right now, though.
And, you know, the hardest part is, again, being alone all the time. That's where I get all worked up, discouraged, down on myself. I know that being around other people will make a big difference. And I have tried, I've been in contact with a lot of people, I've put myself out there time and time again. My confidence is dwindling away these days and, if it's mainly because I am so lonely, what can I do about it? Right now. Today. Tomorrow. Next week.
Right now I can be active. I haven't exercised or really done anything that didn't involve having the couch strapped to my ass since Monday. I can hop on my stationary bike. I can practise playing the piano. I can pull out my DDR and jump up and down. Clean the kitchen. Clean the bathroom. Work on my resume. Apply for more jobs. Kiss ass on the ones that I really want.
Today I can go to that Langley Players audition, as scary as that idea is now that the time is here. I would love to do that again - be in a play like in high school. In high school I felt that I totally crapped out in the end and let my insecurities mess with my performance. Am I going to do that again? What if I go there and audition and they say no. Can I take more fucking rejection right now? But what if they say yes? But what if they say no. Where did that fearless, challenge confronting, confident, happy version of me go? Squashed like a bug. But who did the squashing?
Tomorrow I can get a dog. That's what I've been wanting so badly forever, isn't it? But I look outside at the rain and... fuck. I look outside and inside and I make excuses. Always excuses. It just kills me to make a commitment, doesn't it? I hate the idea of not everything being peachy keen so I don't do it at all and sit here and be miserable. Of course, at this point, I have to say that a dog just isn't a good idea. I don't have any money and I don't know where I am going to find some. There is a distinct possibility that I will be challenged to find a way to feed myself soon... how can I feed a dog, too? Yes, I do have to wait on that. Not because I'm making excuses but because this isn't the right time. I don't know where my life is going. It wouldn't be fair, to me or to the dog. Okay, I am comfortable putting that aside for right now.
So I still need to find a way to get some company. And soon. The play? Oh. Could I really do it? I honestly don't know, right now I honestly don't know.
