You know, something just occurred to me. Maybe he just wants to be friends. Perhaps he really likes me but doesn't feel that there is chemistry. I think I can live with that for a while. I think I would like that for a while. I'm so damn good at being friends with my boyfriends after we break up... why not try being friends and let's just see? Sounds like an option.
Obviously I am not happy with how I look. I have said a million times that I'm only fat on the outside. I truly don't think that this is what I look like. This is a cloak, a suit, protective armour. I think that I would like to shed this armour and all the while become friends with this man that I hope so much is a part of my future. I will always leave the door open and when (okay, if) he makes a move on me it will be because he is physically attracted to me... because he feels chemistry. I feel chemistry. There is chemistry. I just need to get out of this fat suit so he can see it. It's like that movie where the girl dresses up as her brother to play soccer but falls in love with his friend. It's like Rodney finally becoming Robyn. It is letting your inside come out. It is being comfortable enough with who I am on the inside that I can let it show on the outside. My reasons for wearing this cloak are no longer valid... it's time to let go.
And reach out for a family of my own. (HOLY FUCK!!!)
