THINKING DAY!
Ian & Daisy just left. (pssst... we smoked a dooby! tee hee!) (oh, and, I LOVE THAT DOG!) Debra called while he was here and left a message that she wants to talk about Dad's big trip to Ireland next year. I didn't call her back. I was supposed to call Mom back last night but got so caught up in the cover letter I was writing that it was too late by the time I thought about it. I intended to call her tonight instead but I won't. I have also decided that I won't answer the phone if it rings tonight... I'm going incognito! But it's DEBRA! was my first thought. Good god, have I ever willingly in my whole life not taken a call from Debra? I highly doubt it. And, instead of feeling guilty, I decided that there is nothing wrong with a day off every now and then. It sounds pretty shittin' funny that I want a day off from doing nothing when I have spent so much time bawling my ass off because I was so lonely!! But this is how I feel and there is absolutely nothing wrong with that. I know if there was some problem or emergency I would be there for whomever needed me but... I guess I need me tonight. Ian brought the party favours and graciously left two hours later.
Okay, if I'm totally honest, I don't want anyone to know that I smoked pot today. I don't know why - I just don't. For the same reason I never admit to that very last cigarette that I had in October, after I quit smoking in August. August 7th is still my quit date... the fact that I had one months later was not smoking as much as it was the final step in quiting. Perhaps that's what this is. Then again, that 'one last piece of chocolate' and the fact that Mondays apparently have never existed in my world until now tells me to tread cautiously. I'm not playing with this. I don't think it was some big addiction scenario but I promised myself that if something was interfering with my life and the things that I feel I need to be happy, it has to go. End of story. I'm not saying I will never forgive myself for a relapse. Quite the opposite, actually... I will not only forgive a rare relapse, I will accept it for what it is and not let the guilt at letting myself down YET AGAIN!
I make my choices and I live with them. That's the way I need to live. Everyone else has been telling me my whole life that what I do is wrong. I don't care anymore. I have to do what is right for me. Poor Ian. The reason he was here for so long was because he was so devastated when I told him that I am considering selling my condo. It was killing him. He went over it and over it and I could tell that he couldn't let it go but I was patient and I said that I realize it is not what you would do but I have to do what's right for me. This is what I need and it will make me happy. Just like quiting my job. I understand that it was killing people but I will make my decisions and I will make my mistakes and I will learn from them and I will continue on my path because I am happy. I am different now. This is who I always was but I can handle it now. I accept that I am different and, although it sometimes causes me great IMMENSE pain, it is who I am and it is how I need to live my life. And I am proud of it! This is a part of what people like about me... I was just never able to let them see it. I had to have a nervous breakdown before I would allow myself the time that I need to just be. I still need this time... but I also need to let myself need this time. Without guilt, without resentment, without pain. Just be.
The escalation of this is no different than any other time. The gazzillions of times that I have encountered the roller coaster way of life that I have going for me. This way I have of understanding that something just isn't wrong and, perhaps for the very first time, allowing it to happen naturally. I didn't need to eat, I didn't smoke drugs, I didn't get drunk, I didn't have sex with a stranger... I just accepted it and let it happen. Holy shit, dude... holy fucking shit.
I am living this, mutherfucker! Go me! Muthafeking high five bitch! I'm taking the day off of frekin celebrate!
