Meet the truth

The problem with pot is that you spend so much time thinking about what you are going to do that you rarely do it.

Oprah's on/Oprah's wrong

For the past few days I have been sitting on my couch, watching Oprah's 20 year anniversary DVD box set thingy that I gave to Julie for Christmas years ago and borrowed back from Julie years ago and finally started to watch. I started to watch because I have been studying to be me and something that I read in Cesar Millan's dog book made me think, yes, I would like to observe this woman and how she connects with people because I want to connect with people. So this is pure study and not at all entertainment. ;-)

Okay, well, that's how it started and it is still that but it has been very entertaining and enlightening, too. The section about her weight struggles was on earlier and she said something that made me really stop and think. Oprah said that you won't lose weight until you learn to love yourself. And I don't agree. I love myself. I have taken strides to ensure that I love myself. I have worked hard to become myself, to become a person that I do love, to become who I want to be. And I truly believe that deep, deep, deep down, in my very soul, I love myself. Also, I would like to point out that these dvd's were recorded in 2005 and Oprah has since admitted to her continuing struggle with food. Does Oprah not love herself?

And, as I was standing in my kitchen, grating up the cheese to put on my nachos for my mid-afternoon snack - more for something to do than anything - it hit me. I love food. I hate food and the hatred that I feel for food has spurred me into stopping the love affair time and time again but I keep coming back. It's like an abusive relationship. It hurts me and it sickens me and it beats me down, food takes away my self esteem and food is my punishment and makes me feel like I am less than I should be. And I hate food so I leave. But, inevitably, I go back.

We have this honeymoon period. Food promises that it will never wrong me again, food loves me, food is wonderful. Food romances me and food gives me complete control over our relationship. Until the moment that I realize that I got sucked in again. Food has again taken away my self worth, food has made me into something that I don't want to be, food has stolen my dignity. And more I fight it, the more it wins. The more I struggle and make threats and run away, the more it controls me. The only way that I can beat food is to take away it's power. The only way that I can win is to be me. Fat or not fat, I need to live my life.

Because something else occurred to me right after - something that was by no means a secret but needed to be brought up again - I am not fulfilled. I am not happy because I am not living the life that I want to live. I sit here in my comfort zone and I let life happen all around me. That's not enough for me anymore. I want to be me. I want to be the person that I know I can be. I always comment on the struggle of being different and going my own way and taking the long way around but I am still only half doing it. Well, here's my opportunity. Here is my chance to make a change.

It's not about money - I do not care about money. I do not care about stuff. I do not care what kind of car I drive, where I live, how much I spent on my furniture. No matter where I am or what I do, I will always take pride in what I have, my home will always reflect my personality, I will be the person that I am inside. So, how to become fulfilled? That is the question.

I want to help people. I want to walk my talk. I want to do... something. I guess it's time to start figuring out what that is.

Wish me luck.

Still haven't found what I'm looking for

SOLD! Okay, Stacey, accepted offer. lol Subjects removed on the 11th and then SOLD!

Yet, oddly, not the best day ever. Not a totally bad day; not the best day that got better at around 5pm. When - I think - I decided on the next step. Beginning details:

1. go to school - Academy of Learning, Hospitality Management

2. new car - Jeep Cherokee Sport, Black (my dream car of yore!)

3. get a waitressing gig - pub is hiring, senior's place is, too

4. new pad - sell most of my furniture and go minimalist?

5. become a movie extra - just for something interesting to do... just so I can say I did!

The never ending battle

I guess I shouldn't scream about how sick of this I am anymore; it has become my life. Again. What has always been my life is still my life. (funny how wine makes me cry faster than pot does, huh?)

Nothing new. Just sitting here, hating my guts. Wondering what I do wrong. Wondering why men just don't want me. It's the fat, of course it's the fat. So why can't I just get off of my cellulite ass and do something about it? I don't even like eating anymore - it's just something to fucking do.

Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. I hate my life so much at this second. But two minutes ago it was awesome so I guess I will just sit here and wait for that to come back.

Will I never be satisfied?

Run, Forest... Run!

Oh fuck. You have no idea what it's like to be me. Of course, I also have no idea what it's like to be you but we are talking about me here? Hello? Me? Pay attention!

Ya. Stoned.

I hate it when I don't like being me. I like being me. I really like being me. About 95% of the time I like being me... but that fucking other 5% fucks it up for everyone else. God, I have to work on her, don't I? The jealous girl? That part of me that hates every good looking woman on the face of the planet. How odd... I never read it as jealously before but mother fucker, all I wanted to do was leave and cry and go to McDonald's. Oops... let's go back a minute or two.

I love this program that I am doing. I love the people... I have not been in a setting like this in so long. Like, since Newfoundland, almost. Like, high school. All the cool kids go to lunch everyday... but I really make an effort to let everyone know that they're invited. My version of high school = no cliques. This is where I am me at my finest... almost. And every mistake is a step closer to getting it right. I'm struggling, I really am. This is hard. I am already past where I would normally be. Of course, I go every day so its hard to lose the edge. Like swimming lessons. And step class. And dancing lessons. And probably a billion other things that I have started and stopped. School. Guitar.

It's hard. I am learning a lot but that's not what's hard. It's dealing with all of these different people every day. I have no choice but to be me. There's no one to impress, there's no one to embarrass, no one to say "oh, aren't you smart with your big words?" There's no one to let down so I am free to be me. Sure the people in my course might think badly of me but no one that I care about. And, honestly, I don't think anyone does think badly of me. If they do and they are talking about me behind my back, I am absolutely okay with that. Go crazy! Say whatever you want. I have no idea, I am oblivious and I intend to keep it that way. No, my head isn't in the sand, I recognize the obvious signs that people aren't really interested in talking to me. That's okay. No one likes everyone and no everyone likes one. I can not help it if someone is being nice to my face while laughing behind my back or whatever and if they have enough of a problem, I will be able to tell. But if someone is writing shit about me on the blackboard during recess, isn't that more of a reflection on him? Really? That shit does not bother me. (Anymore, okay? I said it doesn't bother me anymore! lol)

It's when four of us go out for a beer. And it's me and Susan and Dave and Russell. And I am so jealous! So jealous! It's not that I want to be like her or look like her. Susan is beautiful and I really like her. Actually, if there was any woman that I would want to put the moves on, it's her. (That's so funny... I kill me, man! Who says shit like that? But it's how I feel.) So, Mom was wrong when she said that I always wanted to be little like my childhood/teenage best friend, Sue. That was her baggage.

What I wanted was for people to look at me and treat me like they did Sue. Like they look at and treat Susan. But, and here's the catch, for people to look and treat me that way, I would have to act that way. I would have to be soft and delicate and needing to be taken care of. I would have to gag and giggle and flip my hair and tell everyone about how my boyfriend fucked around on me. So, no.

Unfortunately, that doesn't help.

I'm just so different. I'm so different. Not like a girl at all. Stacey might have taught me to carry a purse but I'm not like the other girls.

And that does help! I'm not like the other girls and I don't want to be like the other girls. I can't be like the other girls. I am me and I have to be or I will never be happy. Oh, yeah, my days of faking it are over. Long over. And the moody shit is under control, too. All that's left is this spare tire. Seriously. I don't think that people dislike me because I'm fat, I don't think that no man will ever love me because I'm fat. I think - I know - that I will never get the man that I want while I am fat.

So I need to be less fat. (Have I heard this somewhere before??)

But, fat or not fat, I am not going to be jealous of the way men look at Susan. I don't want to act like Susan (sorry, Susan - if you ever read this - I love you like crazy... this is just old shit... it's nice to set it free but I didn't even know it was there!). And because I don't want to act like Susan, men will not look at me like they do Susan. We both have our strengths. Maybe she is a bit jealous of me. Maybe her need to command the room is because that's what I do. (my aren't we full of ourselves, hmmm?) My joking around and smartass remarking is not helping them, not pleasing them. And I say "them" now because I just realized that the smartassing is what I do to Winn (our facilitator) and I take a bit of her wind. It's not that I plan to be anyone that I'm not or that I will pull back and shrink so that I won't take their spotlight. OMG! MAYBE I TOOK MY MOTHER'S WIND! (fuck, it seriously kills me how much I sound like I'm fuckin' full of my self! I'm really not... I don't think!)

I'm not even consciously trying to get attention. I was thinking of that earlier. I am not looking for rewards. I'm not looking for hugs and looks of pity. Not for me. I think I just want to be awesome at everything and in every way. But guess what? No one is awesome in everything and no everything awesome is in one. I kind of hog the spotlight sometimes. And, like my mother said when trying to make me understand why she kinda forgot about me when I was a kid, you don't pay attention to the one who is doing good because you have to put so much effort into the one who is having problems. When it comes to attention, you almost get punished for behaving or doing well and rewarded for getting into trouble. Perhaps my commanding attention comes from my understanding that it's the only way I can get it and be true to myself.

Things To Tell My Brother

I love you. I have felt closer to you over this past couple of years than I have since we were teenagers - although I guess we had our ups and downs back then, too. And I'm risking another huge down by telling you the things that I want to tell you. I'm going to tell you anyway because I think you need to know all the angles before you make a mistake that you will regret for the rest of your life. Or maybe you won't.

How could I possibly know what is happening with you right now? What if even you don't know? It's about perspective, remember? I know you believe that and I think you have never been more right about something. You are very good at seeing both sides of the situation; you seem to be able to read people's reasons for reacting certain ways. The part that I think you might be missing is when you are directly involved in the situation.

I am telling you this only because it is something that I did without having the slightest idea. And I think that it's something that you do, too... because it's something that Mom does, and Dad does, and Cathy does - but Debra doesn't. (Remember my old blood behaviours verses learned behaviours experiment?) And I am hearing both sides of the story and I think you all misunderstand each other so I feel that I really need to jump into the middle - where I am not invited and, quite possibly, where I am not welcome - and try to show the other side.

This might piss you off but I feel that the benefits outweigh the risks. If it does piss you off, I ask you to go ahead and get pissed off but then read it again in a day or so. You need to know this and I need to tell you so you can, at the very least, make an informed decision. I want you to know that I really love you and I am grateful for who you are and that you are my brother; I will always feel this way and I will always support you - even when I don't agree with you. I hope you would do the same for me.

Okay, I think I'm finally ready to make my point...

Do you remember that day that we talked for hours at Samz and out on my deck? I don't think that you recognize the effect that you have on people. I don't think that you understand how important you make people feel. I have seen the effect you have on others for many many years. It is why I love you. It is why I looked up to you when we were younger. It's why girls are attracted to you like magnets. It is why Mom and Dad are feeling especially upset and slighted.

Because they love you. Because after Tom sends a card or spends time with his father in the hospital, they don't stop talking about how wonderful Tom is. The saddest thing that I think Mom and Dad never learned is to tell us how wonderful we are to our faces. You and I tell each other all the time how much we care about each other and how much we bring to each other's lives but Mom and Dad have trouble doing it.

If there is one thing that our parents did well for all of us three original kids, it is to be independent. We can stand up for ourselves. We are strong and we are smart and we are resilient and we don't need anybody else.

If there is one thing that our parents did wrong with all of us three original kids - and this is learned behaviour - it is that they taught us that we don't need anybody else. And, because of that, we all seem to think that nobody needs us. That is wrong. Wrong. Wrong.

They do need you. They love you and they are so proud of you. And they are pushing you away right now because you hurt their feelings. They think that if you don't need them, well they won't need you, either. Because it hurts them that you didn't call Christmas time. And hurts them when you miss a birthday. And they get kind of snippy and snide and they push you away.

And Mom bitches and complains. She gets drunk and she calls to whine about this or get upset about that. It irritates you, it frustrates you. Does that mean that you don't love her and you don't care if she's hurting? Perhaps you do. Perhaps you are at the point that you have no interest in being a part of their lives. That is your choice, and your prerogative and, like I said, I will love you and support you in that. I love you for what you bring to my life and because I need your support.

What I need you to know right now is that they are hurting. Dad has been given two years to live. Two. How fast has time flown since 2007, two years ago? In a heartbeat, right? God - doesn't it feel like you're still 18 sometimes? Two years. And time speeds up. You have a deadline. Right now, you need to decide how you want your relationship with your father and mother to end.

Do you want Dad to die thinking that his only son doesn't love him? That is what he thinks right now. That is the message that he receives every time you don't call. Do you want him not taking your calls when you do bother to work up the energy to not call? Because that is what he is doing right now. He is hurt, they are hurt.

You didn't even call to find out if he is going to die, you didn't call to say Merry Christmas. Those things might not be important to you but they're sure important to them. Because they love you. Because they need you to love them and they don't think you do.

Dad told me once that the only thing he ever did that meant anything was to raise us kids. We are his value; and our love for him is how he is judging his life. He needs to know that his life was worth it, that he has worth. And you're giving him a bad score and he is losing his worth... and he doesn't have enough to lose. Please reach to them, Tom... even if you have to fake it.

Pity Party

So he says, "It's not good news..." and the American Idol episode I saw the other night flashes before my eyes and I realize that I'm waiting for the "It's fantastic news" that they were throwing out a second later. It's all about the build up for effect, right? Nope. "It's not good news. It's what they thought."

He said the exact same words to Debra and both of us were amazed, touched and scared that he was the one to tell us. It's not good news.

So I called Ian for a big fattie and I cried and I fell asleep for a while.

Fear and common sense

I'm so scared for tomorrow. I haven't talked about this at all yet, I don't think. It's called avoidance. My dad gets his test results and we will know if he has cancer. The jury is still out but they found spots on his lungs, liver, bowel and prostate so, if he has it, he's probably full of it. I don't want to go into it now. I don't want to think about it so I am going to put the tv on and probably eat something - don't worry, it will be (reasonably) healthy. I know it will be better to know than to not know but I only want to know if it's good news.

Change

You cannot possibly understand what it feels like to have changed "different" and "wrong" into "special" and "right". I have ventured out into the world full force for the first time as 'this person' (as I like to call me now) and I am shocked at the response I have received. And inspired. And grateful. And amazed. And relieved.

see ME

What do you see, nurses, what do you see?
Are you thinking, when you look at me --
A crabby old woman, not very wise,
Uncertain of habit, with far-away eyes,
Who dribbles her food and makes no reply,
When you say in a loud voice -- "I do wish you'd try."

Who seems not to notice the things that you do,
And forever is losing a stocking or shoe,
Who unresisting or not, lets you do as you will,
With bathing and feeding, the long day to fill.
Is that what you're thinking, is that what you see?
Then open your eyes, nurse, you're looking at ME...

I'll tell you who I am, as I sit here so still;
As I rise at your bidding, as I eat at your will.
I'm a small child of ten with a father and mother,
Brothers and sisters, who love one another.
A young girl of sixteen with wings on her feet,
Dreaming that soon now a lover she'll meet.

A bride soon at twenty -- my heart gives a leap,
Remembering the vows that I promised to keep.
At twenty-five now I have young of my own,
Who need me to build a secure, happy home.
A woman of thirty, my young now grow fast,
Bound to each other with ties that should last.

At forty, my young sons have grown and are gone,
But my man's beside me to see I don't mourn.
At fifty once more babies play 'round my knee,
Again we know children, my loved one and me.
Dark days are upon me, my husband is dead,
I look at the future, I shudder with dread.

My young are all rearing young of their own,
And I think of the years and the love that I've known.
I'm an old woman now and nature is cruel,
'Tis her jest to make old age look like a fool.
The body is crumbled, grace and vigor depart,
There is now a stone where once I had a heart.

But inside this old carcass a young girl still dwells,
And now and again my battered heart swells.
I remember the joys, I remember the pain,
And I'm loving and living life over again.
I think of the years, all too few -- gone too fast,
And accept the stark fact that nothing can last.

So I open your eyes, nurses, open and see,
Not a crabby old woman, look closer, nurses see ME!

Sofa King

I'm sorry... I must complain a little bit... just a bit and then I will move on. I promise.

Dude. I'm sofa king bored. I'm sofa king lonely. I'm sofa king done with this.

Okay, well, the good news is that I am starting a seminar thingy with a consulting agency on Monday. They are supposed to help you find a job and I am really looking for some insight and tips on how I can convince those Amica people to hire me. And it will be a reason to get up in the morning. And there will be other people there. Ya. I'm pretty excited! Going slow but still moving forward...

Failure & Success

I went to give blood today and I was turned away. My temperature was too high (max: 37.5/me:37.9) and my blood pressure was too high (118/42). The nurse had me sit to the side for 10 minutes because she said my gum chewing probably raised my temperature and I always feel my pulse quicken as soon as they strap that black blood pressure thing around my arm. 10 minutes later - I did even worse.

So, what does that say? Why am I still here? Why did I work for almost three weeks to lose four pounds only to gain two back yesterday because I ate too much. Spite. Fuckin' spite.

The story doesn't change. Change it already! God, I am so fucking sick of this. I need a job. I need to be around people. I need structure. I need a purpose.

And yet...

it's the same story.

Beverly, yesterday's tomorrow is TODAY!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

There is something else going on, too, and I have been back and forth about whether or not I want to comment on it. It's totally embarrassing but has been a part of my life forever. My shame. You don't even know me and I still can't say it. Because what if? What if someone that does know me finds this? I suck. Okay. Fuck. Just say it. Christ. I don't know if I...

Okay. I quit sucking my thumb the other day. Can you believe that? A grown woman who sucks her thumb. This is something that I have done for 38 years (and I'm only 37.5!)... since I had a thumb.

I was probably about five when I started hiding it - if not before. I remember thinking that I didn't have to quit until I was seven because that's when Cathy quit. But seven came and went. I tried to stop over the years but it was kind of like food, I guess... it was a crutch. It was a comfort. It was a habit. Eventually I just stopped trying to stop. I hid it, it was a secret (remember I told Stacey that I needed the right bed in Mexico? Because I didn't want her to wake before me and see it... I was turned the other way).

One thing that always made me laugh - but a sarcastic sad laugh instead of a laugh of pleasure - I lived with Karl for 5 YEARS and he didn't know. Fabian stayed over a million times and he didn't know. I lived with Ian for a year and he didn't know. How is that possible? No one knows except Debra and Julie; Mom and Cathy used to know but it hasn't been the subject of much conversation over the past 20 years or so.

Anyway, I stopped because I just felt it was time. And I really don't want to do it anymore - although I wonder if I am still doing it in my sleep. I will test it eventually. But I miss it. It's unbelievable how much. I crave it. I physically feel the loss.

And I'm a big fucking baby who always has an excuse. And nothing ever changes. Except now I'm a big fucking baby who has one less big fucking baby habit.

This just in...

Well, here's an interesting development. Actually, I don't know if I should call it a development - what's the opposite of that? Perhaps, here's an interesting realization. Hmmm, realization doesn't work, either. I know, I know... here's something that I have probably said a million times before. How frustrating.

I am always trying to figure out if I am too hard on myself or not hard enough. That sounds kind of weird but, as someone who has tried so hard to change the things that are wrong in my world, I seem to be missing something. Well, here's the answer: I'm not hard enough. Yes, it may be true that I used to be terribly hard on myself. I was constantly putting myself down and projecting those feelings on to everyone that I know and thinking that they were putting me down, too. I was so constantly kicking and berating and kicking and screaming. But when did I actually follow through with something? When did I really do my best? When did I put in the effort that was required to succeed in my work, in my weight loss attempts, in my relationships? Realistically? When???

Never.

But I finally realized and accepted that it's okay to not put in 100% all the time so I stopped hating myself for not doing so.


************

I stopped writing at that point because I couldn't find a way to get my point across - because I really wasn't sure what I was trying to say. I believe that if you let it go, the answer will usually come to you... just not always the answer that you expect.

Firstly, I have pms so I am crying at the drop of a hat. But good crying, mostly. Not the old depressive episode crying but empathy crying. It's driving me crazy because everything moves me but, realistically, it is a good cry. Also, I want everything right now - I am craving, craving, craving. I want to eat, I want to smoke, I want to get drunk, I want to stop the craving. But, when I look at it logically, it's really just how I am reading the signals that I am getting... which doesn't mean that I am reading them correctly. (Believe it or not, I'm not even stoned right now but I still can't seem to make a point!)

Okay, the point is - tomorrow never comes. The point is - I don't hold myself accountable. The point is - I can always find an excuse.

Am I looking for a job? Seriously? Or am I sitting here waiting for someone to give me one? Yes, I've sent out some resumes. And I really don't think that it was in any a half assed attempt for the ones that I want. I put time into my cover letters. I worked to improve my resume. I made an effort. But did I make enough of an effort? Did I do the things that I meant to do? Did I do the things that I should have done? Did I put in 100%? Did I put in 75%? How about 50%? Tomorrow I will try harder I say. But tomorrow I don't really feel like it so I will wait until tomorrow. But tomorrow I am busy and I will be busy tomorrow, too, so how about the day after tomorrow? Yes, that will work much better. Well, the day after I don't really feel like it again - I've been so busy! - I'll just do it tomorrow.

WHEN IS TOMORROW?

When do I say no fucking way - do it now! When do I say I will do it today?

The putting off theory does work in many situations. Last night it stopped me from having a Big Mac at midnight. I couldn't stop thinking about it, I wanted it. I tried to substitute, I tried to take my mind off it, I tried to talk myself out of it by remembering what I look like, by looking up the nutritional content (1110 calories!!!!!!) but nothing worked until I said, shut up and if you still want it tomorrow then just have one. And the craving went away. That was the magic trick. So tomorrow does work sometimes.

But when am I going to start exercising? Not just a bit here and there, really doing something about how I look. I want it bad enough. I have a healthy vision of who I am now. I have no excuse so I will get to it tomorrow. Oh, that's today? Well, maybe tomorrow then.

There's always a reason, always an excuse. But I don't want to be consumed by it. My all or nothing way of life was what got me here and I know that I can do better. I just don't know when.

Lost and found

What's new? Are you sitting down? Not that there's anything exceptionally exciting or tragic but... well, I tend to go on and on. And on. And... okay, I've made my point.

So, what is new? I went to Mexico! My first 'vacation' since I went to Florida when I was eight. Stacey and I had been talking about going away for years - we even opened a bank account to save some money one year... and closed it a few months later. Anyway, we did it, it was wonderful. It was pretty cool! There were four pools and we were right on the ocean. The sand is more fine than table salt! (Do you understand that I come from a place called "the rock"?? There's no sand. There is rock.) We lazed around by the water all day - Stacey chasing the sun, me hiding from it. Stacey never burns and she got a burn on her back while wearing SPF 30 sun block in Mexico! I burn in frickin' Alaska.

The hotel was pretty cool. We were on the 10th floor so there was a lot of elevators going on. I actually walked up the stairs 4.5 times - the first time I only made it to the fourth floor! (the first time I was wheezing for my inhaler, the second time I took my inhaler too soon (you are supposed to huff at least 15 minutes before exercising and I took a huff about one minute before I started so it didn't really help), the third time I took my inhaler wrong and sucked it into my stomach again (it raises your blood pressure because it is stimulating your whatever or some such shit - ask my sister, she's the pharmacist!) and the last time I walked up those stairs I barely even breathed heavy (for someone who's body reacts so quickly and dramatically to exercise and good diet, I really do lead a life style on the shit end of the stick sometimes!!). Anyway. Does any of that make sense? I'm stoned again. (don't get me started!)

So, Mexico. We had an amazing view of the Caribbean ocean from our veranda. Two queen sized beds pushed together. I asked Stacey for the bed on the right side because I sleep facing that way and it's the only way I can disguise my little problem (I don't know you well enough to tell you about that one! If I'm hiding it from Stacey, I'm certainly not telling the world!). I was also closest to the bathroom (which was really good since I spent the first night there barfing my guts out!). The mini bar was refilled daily with pop and water and beer, and everything was free (well, perhaps I should say 'included'!).

It was kind of funny, living with Stacey like that. Man, I love her but we are d-i-f-f-e-r-e-n-t! Holy shit. Now I see why she thinks I'm anal and a clean freak. She's a slob. I was even tiding her stuff every day. But, perhaps I shouldn't say a slob because she is actually just like about 85% of most people that I know - I am the odd man out in this equation. But she just leaves a mess in her wake. We got along pretty good. I had some time by myself (which you will hear about next) but I enjoyed being with her. Like she was almost my practise for a man - starting small, without the added pressure of it being a guy and romantic feelings (in my world they are called insecurities... romance = insecure).

As far as I can see, I have two areas of problems with men - getting them and keeping them. A few have fallen through the cracks in the getting them department but they all fell through in the keeping them part. I have learned that I project a different image of who I am than who I actually am. Hmmm, confused? People see me differently than I see myself. The person that people see isn't actually me. I'm getting closer but I still don't think I look like the person that I am; although I do still feel that it will happen in time. So the 'getting' them part is a work in progress. I also think that the revelations and changes of last year are still settling in (actually, sometimes I lose them, veer off track and I would like to get into that if my fingers can handle it!) so I am wondering how I will do next time in the keeping them department. I used my Stacey as kind of a test in dealing with someone else in that scenario (trust me, it hasn't been pretty in the past) but it was also different. I know she loves me, I don't doubt that she is there for me, she is interested in me, she doesn't have the power to go screw someone else and fuck up my life, she doesn't have a penis and therefore I am myself when she is around. (I'm learning, I'm learning! I will learn to be me around the penises soon, I hope! Like. Real. Soon. I. HOPE.)

I wasn't bitchy. I wasn't rude. Or inconsiderate (well, when I was at least I realized it and acknowledged it). And when she was inconsiderate I took it in stride. We didn't squabble or drive each other up the wall at all. I am looking for Stacey with male parts as my life partner. I love that woman. She is irritating sometimes and I think that even makes her better! Because I am irritating sometimes, too! And that's okay. We had a lot of fun! We learned to barter and we went on a club-crawl. Stacey went on a day long outing to see the Mayan Ruins but I stayed in bed that day. I would tell you why but I am fading fast. Maybe more later.

Update

Well, I haven't been writing much in here lately. I admit - I have moved on, I am with another. I started a career blog to - hopefully - give people a chance to see a bit of my personality. Trying to get someone to look at my stupid resume. I have barely had a call! But, as is my way, I just try something different with the confidence that I will hit the nail on the head eventually. In the mean time, I'm soaking up all of the information that I can get. I'm in training to find a job.

I have been trying and trying to get a job at one of these seniors places. It sounds like so, so, so, so much what I want to do. And, since I haven't been getting any interest, I bought a book about resumes, totally changed what I had from the reverse chronological format to the functional format. And let me tell you - I put the fun in functional! (Not really, I just thought that would be funny to say!!)

Anyway, fingers crossed and all that. If that doesn't work out, I am going to take some courses and a local business school and get some kind of certificate. Just something to have on paper. I wonder if... I used to think that it was the lack of schooling that has been holding me back but now I wonder if it was my resume. Before, the first thing they would see is that I used to manage a ladder business. Not very similar to working with seniors, huh? [Ha! I guess Tom was WRONG! A shorter resume didn't do the trick. But at least I tried it - I'm a little bitter toward Tom right now, but that's another story.]

With the functional format, I put all of my experience first and my work history after that. I am pretty impressed with how it turned out. I said on my cover letter that I wanted to working in business management, property management, public relations and marketing - "but how do you choose one when you want to do it all?" You don't. You get a job with them because it has aspects of all of those jobs and you get to work with people. Then my experience was divided into each of those jobs/roles and I explained what I had accomplished in each field. Then I put a "Going the Extra Mile" section and put a few things that I had done above and beyond.

I'm really excited about it. There is a wee voice in the back of my head that says they might still not call you but you know what I say to that voice? I say, but they might call. And, if they don't, I will do what I have to do until they call or I will move on to something else. Hmmmm. When was I talking just like this before? I almost do it naturally now. People keep saying how positive I am but I somehow feel that, in the long run, most people get irritated by it a bit. I don't know, it just seems like they get sick of the positive talk quick. But that's okay. These days I seem to pick up on the signal and change the subject. I like new me! I think I'm swell!

I put my condo up for sale today. It's not the best time because the market is tanking but it is the best time for me. I feel good about it; it's the right thing for me to do right now. I can't afford it and, even if I could, I know now that it's silly to shell out this much money every month when I can get by on so much less. I think this has been a good financial lesson for me. Now hopefully I can sell this place or find a job so I can put that good financial lesson to the test.

Omigod! How exciting would it be if I got this job???? I am seriously loving the idea of it. I think I would be good at it. I really do. If I don't get it, I plan to find some job in hotel admin to get some experience and something to do while I am working on my degree. And then I will go back and try again. Or I will move on. I think I already said this but that's okay. Stacey brought over a little treat.

So, summary: want the job, condo up for sale, can't wait to move, excited to get going, leaving for Mexico in a couple of days! Whoot! I'm very excited to be finally taking this trip. It's gonna be wicket! And then I will come back and I will start school or I will find a job and a new home and a new car and then I will start school. Muther father I hope I get a shot at that AGM position!! Just let me get my foot in the door - then I'll rule the place!

Horoscope

Scorpio
October 23 - November 21
Whatever you want, dear Scorpio, you need only ask for it and there is a good chance you will get it. And it's about time, too. It seems you have been working exceptionally hard lately. You are certainly due for a raise, if not a promotion. Gather your thoughts, collect your supporting evidence and ask for what you deserve. If your yen for more public recognition is nagging at you, then take steps today to ensure that you get more time in the spotlight.


*** I'd like a new job, please. ***

I hereby declare today...

THINKING DAY!

Ian & Daisy just left. (pssst... we smoked a dooby! tee hee!) (oh, and, I LOVE THAT DOG!) Debra called while he was here and left a message that she wants to talk about Dad's big trip to Ireland next year. I didn't call her back. I was supposed to call Mom back last night but got so caught up in the cover letter I was writing that it was too late by the time I thought about it. I intended to call her tonight instead but I won't. I have also decided that I won't answer the phone if it rings tonight... I'm going incognito! But it's DEBRA! was my first thought. Good god, have I ever willingly in my whole life not taken a call from Debra? I highly doubt it. And, instead of feeling guilty, I decided that there is nothing wrong with a day off every now and then. It sounds pretty shittin' funny that I want a day off from doing nothing when I have spent so much time bawling my ass off because I was so lonely!! But this is how I feel and there is absolutely nothing wrong with that. I know if there was some problem or emergency I would be there for whomever needed me but... I guess I need me tonight. Ian brought the party favours and graciously left two hours later.

Okay, if I'm totally honest, I don't want anyone to know that I smoked pot today. I don't know why - I just don't. For the same reason I never admit to that very last cigarette that I had in October, after I quit smoking in August. August 7th is still my quit date... the fact that I had one months later was not smoking as much as it was the final step in quiting. Perhaps that's what this is. Then again, that 'one last piece of chocolate' and the fact that Mondays apparently have never existed in my world until now tells me to tread cautiously. I'm not playing with this. I don't think it was some big addiction scenario but I promised myself that if something was interfering with my life and the things that I feel I need to be happy, it has to go. End of story. I'm not saying I will never forgive myself for a relapse. Quite the opposite, actually... I will not only forgive a rare relapse, I will accept it for what it is and not let the guilt at letting myself down YET AGAIN!

I make my choices and I live with them. That's the way I need to live. Everyone else has been telling me my whole life that what I do is wrong. I don't care anymore. I have to do what is right for me. Poor Ian. The reason he was here for so long was because he was so devastated when I told him that I am considering selling my condo. It was killing him. He went over it and over it and I could tell that he couldn't let it go but I was patient and I said that I realize it is not what you would do but I have to do what's right for me. This is what I need and it will make me happy. Just like quiting my job. I understand that it was killing people but I will make my decisions and I will make my mistakes and I will learn from them and I will continue on my path because I am happy. I am different now. This is who I always was but I can handle it now. I accept that I am different and, although it sometimes causes me great IMMENSE pain, it is who I am and it is how I need to live my life. And I am proud of it! This is a part of what people like about me... I was just never able to let them see it. I had to have a nervous breakdown before I would allow myself the time that I need to just be. I still need this time... but I also need to let myself need this time. Without guilt, without resentment, without pain. Just be.

The escalation of this is no different than any other time. The gazzillions of times that I have encountered the roller coaster way of life that I have going for me. This way I have of understanding that something just isn't wrong and, perhaps for the very first time, allowing it to happen naturally. I didn't need to eat, I didn't smoke drugs, I didn't get drunk, I didn't have sex with a stranger... I just accepted it and let it happen. Holy shit, dude... holy fucking shit.

I am living this, mutherfucker! Go me! Muthafeking high five bitch! I'm taking the day off of frekin celebrate!

Say it ain't so

Could that horoscope be true? I feel like I'm getting myself all worked up but, in doing so, am I just doing the old self-fulfilling prophecy crap again? Half of me is temped to start up the pot again because at least then I wouldn't be sitting around crying my ass off constantly but that was a convenient excuse, wasn't it? I was stoned so I wasn't doing the things that I should have been doing. But now I'm not stoned and I'm still not doing those things. Even worse, I'm not doing those things and I'm freaking out about it. I know I'm not giving this my all. Especially the eating/exercising lately. I certainly am beating myself up about it, though.

This is so hard. I know I will come out better on the other end. I know that I have to go through the bad stuff to get to the good stuff. I know that if I don't work for it I won't appreciate it as much. I sure could go for some easy right now, though.

And, you know, the hardest part is, again, being alone all the time. That's where I get all worked up, discouraged, down on myself. I know that being around other people will make a big difference. And I have tried, I've been in contact with a lot of people, I've put myself out there time and time again. My confidence is dwindling away these days and, if it's mainly because I am so lonely, what can I do about it? Right now. Today. Tomorrow. Next week.

Right now I can be active. I haven't exercised or really done anything that didn't involve having the couch strapped to my ass since Monday. I can hop on my stationary bike. I can practise playing the piano. I can pull out my DDR and jump up and down. Clean the kitchen. Clean the bathroom. Work on my resume. Apply for more jobs. Kiss ass on the ones that I really want.

Today I can go to that Langley Players audition, as scary as that idea is now that the time is here. I would love to do that again - be in a play like in high school. In high school I felt that I totally crapped out in the end and let my insecurities mess with my performance. Am I going to do that again? What if I go there and audition and they say no. Can I take more fucking rejection right now? But what if they say yes? But what if they say no. Where did that fearless, challenge confronting, confident, happy version of me go? Squashed like a bug. But who did the squashing?

Tomorrow I can get a dog. That's what I've been wanting so badly forever, isn't it? But I look outside at the rain and... fuck. I look outside and inside and I make excuses. Always excuses. It just kills me to make a commitment, doesn't it? I hate the idea of not everything being peachy keen so I don't do it at all and sit here and be miserable. Of course, at this point, I have to say that a dog just isn't a good idea. I don't have any money and I don't know where I am going to find some. There is a distinct possibility that I will be challenged to find a way to feed myself soon... how can I feed a dog, too? Yes, I do have to wait on that. Not because I'm making excuses but because this isn't the right time. I don't know where my life is going. It wouldn't be fair, to me or to the dog. Okay, I am comfortable putting that aside for right now.

So I still need to find a way to get some company. And soon. The play? Oh. Could I really do it? I honestly don't know, right now I honestly don't know.

Horoscope

Scorpio
October 23 - November 21
You may feel a bit of disappointment today, dear Scorpio. You might tend to view whatever snags you've hit on the path to accomplishing your goals as personal failures, and if you let it, this idea could persist with you throughout the day. Try to remain objective, and don't lose sight of the big picture. You haven't even lost a battle - at worst, it's a minor skirmish! Chances are that if you continue working hard you'll still win the war!

Bored and lonely... mainly just lonely

My god, I am so lonely. It doesn't seem to matter what I do... I can't find a way to stop it. I try and I try and I try and I fail and I fail and I fail. I thought I found all the answers. I thought I knew. I thought it was going to be different now. But it's not. It's the same. It's worse. Maybe I should go back on the pot... at least then I didn't care.