I love you. I have felt closer to you over this past couple of years than I have since we were teenagers - although I guess we had our ups and downs back then, too. And I'm risking another huge down by telling you the things that I want to tell you. I'm going to tell you anyway because I think you need to know all the angles before you make a mistake that you will regret for the rest of your life. Or maybe you won't.
How could I possibly know what is happening with you right now? What if even you don't know? It's about perspective, remember? I know you believe that and I think you have never been more right about something. You are very good at seeing both sides of the situation; you seem to be able to read people's reasons for reacting certain ways. The part that I think you might be missing is when you are directly involved in the situation.
I am telling you this only because it is something that I did without having the slightest idea. And I think that it's something that you do, too... because it's something that Mom does, and Dad does, and Cathy does - but Debra doesn't. (Remember my old blood behaviours verses learned behaviours experiment?) And I am hearing both sides of the story and I think you all misunderstand each other so I feel that I really need to jump into the middle - where I am not invited and, quite possibly, where I am not welcome - and try to show the other side.
This might piss you off but I feel that the benefits outweigh the risks. If it does piss you off, I ask you to go ahead and get pissed off but then read it again in a day or so. You need to know this and I need to tell you so you can, at the very least, make an informed decision. I want you to know that I really love you and I am grateful for who you are and that you are my brother; I will always feel this way and I will always support you - even when I don't agree with you. I hope you would do the same for me.
Okay, I think I'm finally ready to make my point...
Do you remember that day that we talked for hours at Samz and out on my deck? I don't think that you recognize the effect that you have on people. I don't think that you understand how important you make people feel. I have seen the effect you have on others for many many years. It is why I love you. It is why I looked up to you when we were younger. It's why girls are attracted to you like magnets. It is why Mom and Dad are feeling especially upset and slighted.
Because they love you. Because after Tom sends a card or spends time with his father in the hospital, they don't stop talking about how wonderful Tom is. The saddest thing that I think Mom and Dad never learned is to tell us how wonderful we are to our faces. You and I tell each other all the time how much we care about each other and how much we bring to each other's lives but Mom and Dad have trouble doing it.
If there is one thing that our parents did well for all of us three original kids, it is to be independent. We can stand up for ourselves. We are strong and we are smart and we are resilient and we don't need anybody else.
If there is one thing that our parents did wrong with all of us three original kids - and this is learned behaviour - it is that they taught us that we don't need anybody else. And, because of that, we all seem to think that nobody needs us. That is wrong. Wrong. Wrong.
They do need you. They love you and they are so proud of you. And they are pushing you away right now because you hurt their feelings. They think that if you don't need them, well they won't need you, either. Because it hurts them that you didn't call Christmas time. And hurts them when you miss a birthday. And they get kind of snippy and snide and they push you away.
And Mom bitches and complains. She gets drunk and she calls to whine about this or get upset about that. It irritates you, it frustrates you. Does that mean that you don't love her and you don't care if she's hurting? Perhaps you do. Perhaps you are at the point that you have no interest in being a part of their lives. That is your choice, and your prerogative and, like I said, I will love you and support you in that. I love you for what you bring to my life and because I need your support.
What I need you to know right now is that they are hurting. Dad has been given two years to live. Two. How fast has time flown since 2007, two years ago? In a heartbeat, right? God - doesn't it feel like you're still 18 sometimes? Two years. And time speeds up. You have a deadline. Right now, you need to decide how you want your relationship with your father and mother to end.
Do you want Dad to die thinking that his only son doesn't love him? That is what he thinks right now. That is the message that he receives every time you don't call. Do you want him not taking your calls when you do bother to work up the energy to not call? Because that is what he is doing right now. He is hurt, they are hurt.
You didn't even call to find out if he is going to die, you didn't call to say Merry Christmas. Those things might not be important to you but they're sure important to them. Because they love you. Because they need you to love them and they don't think you do.
Dad told me once that the only thing he ever did that meant anything was to raise us kids. We are his value; and our love for him is how he is judging his life. He needs to know that his life was worth it, that he has worth. And you're giving him a bad score and he is losing his worth... and he doesn't have enough to lose. Please reach to them, Tom... even if you have to fake it.
