Well, here's an interesting development. Actually, I don't know if I should call it a development - what's the opposite of that? Perhaps, here's an interesting realization. Hmmm, realization doesn't work, either. I know, I know... here's something that I have probably said a million times before. How frustrating.
I am always trying to figure out if I am too hard on myself or not hard enough. That sounds kind of weird but, as someone who has tried so hard to change the things that are wrong in my world, I seem to be missing something. Well, here's the answer: I'm not hard enough. Yes, it may be true that I used to be terribly hard on myself. I was constantly putting myself down and projecting those feelings on to everyone that I know and thinking that they were putting me down, too. I was so constantly kicking and berating and kicking and screaming. But when did I actually follow through with something? When did I really do my best? When did I put in the effort that was required to succeed in my work, in my weight loss attempts, in my relationships? Realistically? When???
Never.
But I finally realized and accepted that it's okay to not put in 100% all the time so I stopped hating myself for not doing so.
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I stopped writing at that point because I couldn't find a way to get my point across - because I really wasn't sure what I was trying to say. I believe that if you let it go, the answer will usually come to you... just not always the answer that you expect.
Firstly, I have pms so I am crying at the drop of a hat. But good crying, mostly. Not the old depressive episode crying but empathy crying. It's driving me crazy because everything moves me but, realistically, it is a good cry. Also, I want everything right now - I am craving, craving, craving. I want to eat, I want to smoke, I want to get drunk, I want to stop the craving. But, when I look at it logically, it's really just how I am reading the signals that I am getting... which doesn't mean that I am reading them correctly. (Believe it or not, I'm not even stoned right now but I still can't seem to make a point!)
Okay, the point is - tomorrow never comes. The point is - I don't hold myself accountable. The point is - I can always find an excuse.
Am I looking for a job? Seriously? Or am I sitting here waiting for someone to give me one? Yes, I've sent out some resumes. And I really don't think that it was in any a half assed attempt for the ones that I want. I put time into my cover letters. I worked to improve my resume. I made an effort. But did I make enough of an effort? Did I do the things that I meant to do? Did I do the things that I should have done? Did I put in 100%? Did I put in 75%? How about 50%? Tomorrow I will try harder I say. But tomorrow I don't really feel like it so I will wait until tomorrow. But tomorrow I am busy and I will be busy tomorrow, too, so how about the day after tomorrow? Yes, that will work much better. Well, the day after I don't really feel like it again - I've been so busy! - I'll just do it tomorrow.
WHEN IS TOMORROW?
When do I say no fucking way - do it now! When do I say I will do it today?
The putting off theory does work in many situations. Last night it stopped me from having a Big Mac at midnight. I couldn't stop thinking about it, I wanted it. I tried to substitute, I tried to take my mind off it, I tried to talk myself out of it by remembering what I look like, by looking up the nutritional content (1110 calories!!!!!!) but nothing worked until I said, shut up and if you still want it tomorrow then just have one. And the craving went away. That was the magic trick. So tomorrow does work sometimes.
But when am I going to start exercising? Not just a bit here and there, really doing something about how I look. I want it bad enough. I have a healthy vision of who I am now. I have no excuse so I will get to it tomorrow. Oh, that's today? Well, maybe tomorrow then.
There's always a reason, always an excuse. But I don't want to be consumed by it. My all or nothing way of life was what got me here and I know that I can do better. I just don't know when.
