A couple of weird little observation here for a moment... I am downloading all of my music collection onto my NEW COMPUTER and iPod and thinking... as usual...
+ I love music. No, I LOVE music. Seriously, I honestly feel that music pulled me through some seriously rough times, both as a teenager and again in recent years (especially this past year!). I finally realized that it's the music that takes me away. I can let go with music and, until recently, music was the only way that I could let go. I have music for every mood, every situation. No wonder I hated Karl so much... I barely listened to music back then. Anyways, I put my music listening into three separate sections: 1. new stuff that I want to listen to as a secondary task, usually when working or doing puzzles. I don't know the words so I get sidetracked less... I love to sing. 2. stuff that I am learning and I want to listen to over and over and over until any normal person would be seriously sick of it but I can sing every word, for the rest of my life because it's in there so deeply. And 3. what I call chillin' music, when the listening is mostly the primary task but there sometimes is secondary stuff going on like cooking supper. This is where the stuff that I have graduated from goes. Ah, chillin' music.
Anyway, why did I just tell you all that? I'm not totally sure but I do think that it has something to do with the fact that I was thinking that my iPod has given me the soundtrack to my life. It's like I have my own radio station that is tuned into my world - and only songs that I like will play!!!
Thursday, July 31, 2008
Monday, July 28, 2008
Huh?
I keep thinking about Fabian. I know, I'm just horny. Just nesting; looking for a mate. Mostly horny at this point. lol But Fabe is not the one for me, I know that. I want children, I want a family life, I want to be with someone who is looking for the same thing. I need this. It is the rest of my life plan.
I was doing some puzzles yesterday and suddenly thought that it would be funny to do my backward countdown to see if I am on track... I don't want to rush into this because all me eggs is dried up! So, I would like to have a child at about 40. Two kids I think: one to mow the lawn and a spare. Hyuk! Hyuk! If I give birth at 40, I will need to be pregnant mid to late 39, want to know the guy for a year before so that brings me to 38. Got to meet the guy after probably meeting bunches of guys that don't work out. I'm months away from 37... I think I am right on track! And I have time to become sexy and start my financial empire. Perfect. >.<
I was doing some puzzles yesterday and suddenly thought that it would be funny to do my backward countdown to see if I am on track... I don't want to rush into this because all me eggs is dried up! So, I would like to have a child at about 40. Two kids I think: one to mow the lawn and a spare. Hyuk! Hyuk! If I give birth at 40, I will need to be pregnant mid to late 39, want to know the guy for a year before so that brings me to 38. Got to meet the guy after probably meeting bunches of guys that don't work out. I'm months away from 37... I think I am right on track! And I have time to become sexy and start my financial empire. Perfect. >.<
Evolution evolves! Part 2
*** Okay, this time I just have to tell you what the personality profile said because it's the one that I want it to be - FINALLY!! It's weird though, some of the scores that I smirked at the first time (and was thankful for a turn around during subsequent tests) are back close to the first test but they don't bother me anymore. Ah, part of the evolution. ***
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
You are a Benevolent Director.
about you
YOU ARE A DIRECTOR
* As a DIRECTOR, you combine an unusual openness and passion for beauty and style with confidence and a down-to-earth sensibility that allow you to realize your vision.
* You are practical and pay attention to the details that others tend to miss.
* By focusing on what is real and concrete, you achieve more than those who always have their heads in the clouds.
* When it comes to what really matters in your life, you are confident in your ability to succeed.
* Having beautiful things in your life gives you pleasure and satisfaction - you have a keen eye for style.
*Even when problems present themselves, deep down you know you will overcome these challenges.
* When routines get too familiar, you become bored and start looking for ways to spice things up.
*You are open to new types of experiences - you are not afraid to take a risk on something new.
* You have a highly developed sense of taste - you know what looks good on you, in your home and in the world at large.
* Your independent streak allows you to make decisions efficiently and to trust your instincts.
* You are balanced in your approach to problem-solving, not letting your emotions hold you up.
* You have a strong sense of style and value your personal presentation - friends may even seek your style advice from time to time.
* Generally, you believe that you control your life, and that external forces only play a limited role in determining what happens to you.
If you want to be different:
Occasionally let yourself dream a little more, even if it doesn't seem practical or efficient.
how you relate to others
YOU ARE BENEVOLENT
* You are a great person to interact with - understanding, giving and trusting - in a word, Benevolent.
* You don't mind being in social situations, as you feel comfortable enough with people to be yourself.
* Your caring nature goes beyond a basic concern: you take the time to understand the nuances of people's situations before passing any sort of judgment.
* You're a good listener, and even better at offering advice.
* You're concerned with others at both an individual and societal level you sympathize with the plights of troubled groups and you can care about people you've never met.
* Considering many different perspectives is something at which you excel, and you appreciate the quality in others.
* Other people's feelings are important to you and you're good at meditating disputes.
* Because of your understanding and patience you tend to bring out the best in people.
If you want to be different:
You spend a lot of time taking care of others, but don't forget to take care of yourself!
Sometimes you get over committed and when you sacrifice spending time with those close to you it can make them feel unimportant.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
You are a Benevolent Director.
about you
YOU ARE A DIRECTOR
* As a DIRECTOR, you combine an unusual openness and passion for beauty and style with confidence and a down-to-earth sensibility that allow you to realize your vision.
* You are practical and pay attention to the details that others tend to miss.
* By focusing on what is real and concrete, you achieve more than those who always have their heads in the clouds.
* When it comes to what really matters in your life, you are confident in your ability to succeed.
* Having beautiful things in your life gives you pleasure and satisfaction - you have a keen eye for style.
*Even when problems present themselves, deep down you know you will overcome these challenges.
* When routines get too familiar, you become bored and start looking for ways to spice things up.
*You are open to new types of experiences - you are not afraid to take a risk on something new.
* You have a highly developed sense of taste - you know what looks good on you, in your home and in the world at large.
* Your independent streak allows you to make decisions efficiently and to trust your instincts.
* You are balanced in your approach to problem-solving, not letting your emotions hold you up.
* You have a strong sense of style and value your personal presentation - friends may even seek your style advice from time to time.
* Generally, you believe that you control your life, and that external forces only play a limited role in determining what happens to you.
If you want to be different:
Occasionally let yourself dream a little more, even if it doesn't seem practical or efficient.
how you relate to others
YOU ARE BENEVOLENT
* You are a great person to interact with - understanding, giving and trusting - in a word, Benevolent.
* You don't mind being in social situations, as you feel comfortable enough with people to be yourself.
* Your caring nature goes beyond a basic concern: you take the time to understand the nuances of people's situations before passing any sort of judgment.
* You're a good listener, and even better at offering advice.
* You're concerned with others at both an individual and societal level you sympathize with the plights of troubled groups and you can care about people you've never met.
* Considering many different perspectives is something at which you excel, and you appreciate the quality in others.
* Other people's feelings are important to you and you're good at meditating disputes.
* Because of your understanding and patience you tend to bring out the best in people.
If you want to be different:
You spend a lot of time taking care of others, but don't forget to take care of yourself!
Sometimes you get over committed and when you sacrifice spending time with those close to you it can make them feel unimportant.
Evolution evolves!
I periodically do these personality tests online... I find the feedback very informative and it really showed me some areas of my personality that I was not aware of - and really worked to change. So, every now and then I do the test again to see how well all of my work is paying off. And today I am very proud of my progress! [FYI: My openness, empathy and trust in others scores knocked me on my ass the first time!!]
*** I copied this directly from an entry in May and have added my new scores. [Holy moley! (I'm learning to not swear!! I think I'm better than that. I mean I started swearing because I thought it was funny - I would Mother Fucker at the simplest things and then laugh my ass off... problem is, eventually it became my language in everyday conversation so I decided it's time for an adjustment!) How exciting! What evolution! Progress. This report made me smile more than any other. This is me.] ***
Confidence
JUL07, 78 ~ JAN08, 86 ~ MAR08, 88 ~ MAY08, 92 ~ JUL08, 94 ~ FEB09, 94 ~ JAN10, 92
Openness (to new experiences)
JUL07, 6 ~ JAN08, 8 ~ MAR08, 4 ~ MAY08, 44 ~ JUL08, 42 ~ FEB09, 66 ~ JAN10, 56
Extroversion
JUL07, 94 ~ JAN08, 94 ~ MAR08, 88 ~ MAY08, 80 ~ JUL08, 78 ~ FEB09, 94 ~ JAN10, 80
Empathy
JUL07, 4 ~ JAN08, 32 ~ MAR08, 10 ~ MAY08, 36 ~ JUL08, 54 ~ FEB08, 34 ~ JAN10, 6
Trust in Others
JUL07, 56 ~ JAN08, 58 ~ MAR08, 48 ~ MAY08, 92 ~ JUL08, 60 ~ FEB09, 94 ~ JAN10, 92
Agency (belief that you determine outcomes, not god or fate)
JUL07, 88 ~ JAN08, 76 ~ MAR08, 76 ~ MAY08, 58 ~ JUL08, 82 ~ FEB09, 62 ~ JAN10, 80
Masculinity
JUL07, 66 ~ JAN08, 56 ~ MAR08, 52 ~ MAY08, 30 ~ JUL08, 72 ~ FEB09, 44 ~ JAN10, 62
Femininity
JUL07, 6 ~ JAN08, 14 ~ MAR08, 22 ~ MAY08, 48 ~ JUL08, 24 ~ FEB09, 54 ~ JAN10, 38
Spontaneity
JUL07, 48 ~ JAN08, 36 ~ MAR08, 64 ~ MAY08, 80 ~ JUL08, 76 ~ FEB09, 84 ~ JAN10, 90
Attention to Style
JUL07, 58 ~ JAN08, 82 ~ MAR08, 92 ~ MAY08, 82 ~ JUL08, 86 ~ FEB09, 80 ~ JAN10, 88
Authoritarianism (adherence to social order)
JUL07, 88 ~ JAN08, 64 ~ MAR08, 44 ~ MAY08, 40 ~ JUL08, 36 ~ FEB09, 16 ~ JAN10, 4
Earthy/Imaginative
JUL07, 100 ~ JAN08, 96 ~ MAR08, 98 ~ MAY08, 92 ~ JUL08, 88 ~ FEB09, 86 ~ JAN10, 70
Aesthetic/Functional
JUL07, 94 ~ JAN08, 22 ~ MAR08, 34 ~ MAY08, 46 ~ JUL08, 4 ~ FEB09, 54 ~ JAN10, 56
*** I copied this directly from an entry in May and have added my new scores. [Holy moley! (I'm learning to not swear!! I think I'm better than that. I mean I started swearing because I thought it was funny - I would Mother Fucker at the simplest things and then laugh my ass off... problem is, eventually it became my language in everyday conversation so I decided it's time for an adjustment!) How exciting! What evolution! Progress. This report made me smile more than any other. This is me.] ***
Confidence
JUL07, 78 ~ JAN08, 86 ~ MAR08, 88 ~ MAY08, 92 ~ JUL08, 94 ~ FEB09, 94 ~ JAN10, 92
Openness (to new experiences)
JUL07, 6 ~ JAN08, 8 ~ MAR08, 4 ~ MAY08, 44 ~ JUL08, 42 ~ FEB09, 66 ~ JAN10, 56
Extroversion
JUL07, 94 ~ JAN08, 94 ~ MAR08, 88 ~ MAY08, 80 ~ JUL08, 78 ~ FEB09, 94 ~ JAN10, 80
Empathy
JUL07, 4 ~ JAN08, 32 ~ MAR08, 10 ~ MAY08, 36 ~ JUL08, 54 ~ FEB08, 34 ~ JAN10, 6
Trust in Others
JUL07, 56 ~ JAN08, 58 ~ MAR08, 48 ~ MAY08, 92 ~ JUL08, 60 ~ FEB09, 94 ~ JAN10, 92
Agency (belief that you determine outcomes, not god or fate)
JUL07, 88 ~ JAN08, 76 ~ MAR08, 76 ~ MAY08, 58 ~ JUL08, 82 ~ FEB09, 62 ~ JAN10, 80
Masculinity
JUL07, 66 ~ JAN08, 56 ~ MAR08, 52 ~ MAY08, 30 ~ JUL08, 72 ~ FEB09, 44 ~ JAN10, 62
Femininity
JUL07, 6 ~ JAN08, 14 ~ MAR08, 22 ~ MAY08, 48 ~ JUL08, 24 ~ FEB09, 54 ~ JAN10, 38
Spontaneity
JUL07, 48 ~ JAN08, 36 ~ MAR08, 64 ~ MAY08, 80 ~ JUL08, 76 ~ FEB09, 84 ~ JAN10, 90
Attention to Style
JUL07, 58 ~ JAN08, 82 ~ MAR08, 92 ~ MAY08, 82 ~ JUL08, 86 ~ FEB09, 80 ~ JAN10, 88
Authoritarianism (adherence to social order)
JUL07, 88 ~ JAN08, 64 ~ MAR08, 44 ~ MAY08, 40 ~ JUL08, 36 ~ FEB09, 16 ~ JAN10, 4
Earthy/Imaginative
JUL07, 100 ~ JAN08, 96 ~ MAR08, 98 ~ MAY08, 92 ~ JUL08, 88 ~ FEB09, 86 ~ JAN10, 70
Aesthetic/Functional
JUL07, 94 ~ JAN08, 22 ~ MAR08, 34 ~ MAY08, 46 ~ JUL08, 4 ~ FEB09, 54 ~ JAN10, 56
Saturday, July 26, 2008
Email to my older sister
Hi sister!
I was just thinking about our conversation today and I wanted to comment a little deeper. I think I found a better way to explain what I was trying to say about figuring out why I had Dad's little habit of being short with people and whatnot...
Like I was saying, I really saw that behavior in myself when I was with Karl and Fabian... Karl irritated me and fought with me, Fabe would get flabbergasted and leave (which is why we stopped and started so many times, I guess). I would just be a bitch and I couldn't figure out why... the things that came out of my mouth weren't the things that I really felt, some days I was just impossible to be around and there was nothing anyone could do to appease me. It was one of the things that I thought was taken care of with the depression realization/medication.
But then I got together with Ian and it started again. And, again, I chalked it up to the messed up brain and pretty much accepted that some days I would just have to lose it... that's just who I was and I told Ian that he couldn't handle me because I could get so difficult and he was such a softy that he wouldn't fight back or leave... he would sit there and take it and try to make it all better and, in doing so, only made it worse. I decided that I would rather be alone and happy than be with someone and hate my own guts because I was such a bitch.
I honestly felt that most people agreed with me, too. Sure, the ones who loved me always loved me but the ones that didn't have to love me didn't love me. (haha! does that make sense at all??) Basically, I entered every relationship - romantic and other wise - with my back up, thinking that it was only a matter of time before they realized that I was impossible to be around and walked away. I was totally charming in the beginning and people really responded to it, and as soon as I reeled them in I started pushing them away. I looked for them to get pissed off or irritated with me and, as soon as I saw any sign of that, I walked.
Then I realized that I was going in the same direction as those in our bloodline that have gone before us and I had to put my foot down. That was not the life that I wanted so I started asking one question constantly - why. You have no idea how much time and thought I have put into this... it's been a long, difficult road but holy shit... my whole world has changed in ways that I didn't even imagine.
Firstly, I realized that I cared more about how strangers perceived me than my own family and friends. The absolute charm that oozed from me around people that I didn't know, always worrying about what strangers were thinking about me and assumed the worst. Then I turned that coin around and realized that I projecting the things that I felt about myself onto others. I remember saying to Ian at the end a couple of months ago that, if he thought that I was mean to him, he should hear the things that I said to myself.
And I started listening to the things that I said to myself and I questioned them. I realized that I was practically constantly telling myself off. I didn't go to the gym and I was bad because of that. I planned to do all of my chores after work (for example) and then I didn't feel like doing them. If I called you and said that, what would you say to me? You would say 'whatever', right? 'It's no big deal, Bev, you'll do it tomorrow or the next day. Every thing is going to be just fine... chill out, you deserve it.'
Am I right? Now... what would you say to yourself in the same situation????? I would feel bad for not doing something that I should have done. How lazy am I? That stuff was supposed to be done a month ago... two months ago I told myself that it would be done in a month and I didn't do it, it's still not done. Because I'm lazy. Because I never get anything done. Because I can't do anything right. Because I suck. That's what I used to say to myself. Now I say 'it's not big deal, Bev, you'll do it tomorrow or the next day and everything is going to be just fine'. And it is! It's fine. Me not kicking myself in the ass didn't get stuff done, it just made me feel bad about stuff not being done. And now? The stuff still isn't done... and it's fine. If it needed to be done it would be done.
We are so supportive of each other. Always looking to say the right thing to make the other feel better. We need to say it to ourselves.
*** OMG! Need sleep! It's almost 4am and I told Brandon that I was going to bed early so I would get up early tomorrow... oops!
And then I started - intentionally, deliberately - talking to me the way I would talk to someone that I cared about. How funny is that? I taught myself to talk to myself as if I was talking to you or Stacey or someone that I loved... and I supported me and I said way to go and I said you can do it. Over and over - until I believed it.
The weirdest side effects have come out of this. I learned to love me and believed that I was good and worthy and I stopped caring what anyone else thought. And I am nice now - nice to others because I am nice to me. For example, if I don't do the dishes after supper, I don't beat myself up about it. If
I was just thinking about our conversation today and I wanted to comment a little deeper. I think I found a better way to explain what I was trying to say about figuring out why I had Dad's little habit of being short with people and whatnot...
Like I was saying, I really saw that behavior in myself when I was with Karl and Fabian... Karl irritated me and fought with me, Fabe would get flabbergasted and leave (which is why we stopped and started so many times, I guess). I would just be a bitch and I couldn't figure out why... the things that came out of my mouth weren't the things that I really felt, some days I was just impossible to be around and there was nothing anyone could do to appease me. It was one of the things that I thought was taken care of with the depression realization/medication.
But then I got together with Ian and it started again. And, again, I chalked it up to the messed up brain and pretty much accepted that some days I would just have to lose it... that's just who I was and I told Ian that he couldn't handle me because I could get so difficult and he was such a softy that he wouldn't fight back or leave... he would sit there and take it and try to make it all better and, in doing so, only made it worse. I decided that I would rather be alone and happy than be with someone and hate my own guts because I was such a bitch.
I honestly felt that most people agreed with me, too. Sure, the ones who loved me always loved me but the ones that didn't have to love me didn't love me. (haha! does that make sense at all??) Basically, I entered every relationship - romantic and other wise - with my back up, thinking that it was only a matter of time before they realized that I was impossible to be around and walked away. I was totally charming in the beginning and people really responded to it, and as soon as I reeled them in I started pushing them away. I looked for them to get pissed off or irritated with me and, as soon as I saw any sign of that, I walked.
Then I realized that I was going in the same direction as those in our bloodline that have gone before us and I had to put my foot down. That was not the life that I wanted so I started asking one question constantly - why. You have no idea how much time and thought I have put into this... it's been a long, difficult road but holy shit... my whole world has changed in ways that I didn't even imagine.
Firstly, I realized that I cared more about how strangers perceived me than my own family and friends. The absolute charm that oozed from me around people that I didn't know, always worrying about what strangers were thinking about me and assumed the worst. Then I turned that coin around and realized that I projecting the things that I felt about myself onto others. I remember saying to Ian at the end a couple of months ago that, if he thought that I was mean to him, he should hear the things that I said to myself.
And I started listening to the things that I said to myself and I questioned them. I realized that I was practically constantly telling myself off. I didn't go to the gym and I was bad because of that. I planned to do all of my chores after work (for example) and then I didn't feel like doing them. If I called you and said that, what would you say to me? You would say 'whatever', right? 'It's no big deal, Bev, you'll do it tomorrow or the next day. Every thing is going to be just fine... chill out, you deserve it.'
Am I right? Now... what would you say to yourself in the same situation????? I would feel bad for not doing something that I should have done. How lazy am I? That stuff was supposed to be done a month ago... two months ago I told myself that it would be done in a month and I didn't do it, it's still not done. Because I'm lazy. Because I never get anything done. Because I can't do anything right. Because I suck. That's what I used to say to myself. Now I say 'it's not big deal, Bev, you'll do it tomorrow or the next day and everything is going to be just fine'. And it is! It's fine. Me not kicking myself in the ass didn't get stuff done, it just made me feel bad about stuff not being done. And now? The stuff still isn't done... and it's fine. If it needed to be done it would be done.
We are so supportive of each other. Always looking to say the right thing to make the other feel better. We need to say it to ourselves.
*** OMG! Need sleep! It's almost 4am and I told Brandon that I was going to bed early so I would get up early tomorrow... oops!
And then I started - intentionally, deliberately - talking to me the way I would talk to someone that I cared about. How funny is that? I taught myself to talk to myself as if I was talking to you or Stacey or someone that I loved... and I supported me and I said way to go and I said you can do it. Over and over - until I believed it.
The weirdest side effects have come out of this. I learned to love me and believed that I was good and worthy and I stopped caring what anyone else thought. And I am nice now - nice to others because I am nice to me. For example, if I don't do the dishes after supper, I don't beat myself up about it. If
Wednesday, July 23, 2008
Horoscope
Scorpio
October 23 - November 21
There is change in the air today, dear Scorpio! For the last three weeks you have been driven by a desire to take a new direction in your career. Based on this desire, you made plans for the future. Now that you are actually carrying out those plans, you are becoming increasingly aware of the intrusions of reality. But there's no need to abandon your latest goals, simply readjust them.
*** Holy shit... how crazy is that????????
October 23 - November 21
There is change in the air today, dear Scorpio! For the last three weeks you have been driven by a desire to take a new direction in your career. Based on this desire, you made plans for the future. Now that you are actually carrying out those plans, you are becoming increasingly aware of the intrusions of reality. But there's no need to abandon your latest goals, simply readjust them.
*** Holy shit... how crazy is that????????
Monday, July 21, 2008
Right... um, of course!
I just read my last entry, post, whatever you want to call it. Not the horoscopes that seemed so accurate at the time but the last time I wrote. About believing. And waiting to see if I was right. I was right.
I haven't written in a while because my nephews have been visiting. Aaron is 17, just finished high school, and came out from Sunday the 6th until Sunday the 13th. What a strange experience. I hadn't seen Aaron since 2004 and that's a long time when you are growing up. And the last time I saw him, he was a 13 year old who knew everything, including that I had nothing to say that he wanted to hear. But I can dig that. Been there. Now he's 17 and interested again. I gave him a picture of something else. It was odd to watch him and see the five year old that he once was. So oddly similar. He was too smart. Always told you things that seemed to have the message that he was really smart and a deep thinker. From the moment he could talk.
I enjoyed seeing him again and was proud to have him in my family, proud to share my life with him. No matter what he thinks about me at this stage of his life, I think that he will think fondly of me in the future. And that's enough. Funny, oh me.
I am going to totally break my train of thought now to say a big sigh. Good sigh. I love me sigh. I'm doing something right sigh. Holy shit, I am freaking scared shitless... how cool is that sigh. Stop swearing sigh. lol
Anyway, Aaron got here on Sunday and that was Brandon's 16th birthday. We had two full and two half days alone together. Monday we went to Playland and I was amazed at Aaron's determination to conquer his fear of heights and go on every roller coaster there. He started slow but we gradually got to the Hellevator which goes up 200 feet at 75 miles/hour. Afraid of heights? Wow! He said he blacked out going up but I think he just blew his mind! We chilled out Tuesday... went to the gym together and walked around a bit, cooked supper, Aaron made strawberry tarts and then we had a few beers and got stoned! Don't tell my sister, for shit's sake! (Oops! Trying to stop swearing and get a little bit of feminine shit on the go here! lol) I mean, for heaven's sake! I had fun. We chatted. I feel that we bonded. I was impressed with his maturity and sense of future. I think he will do fine.
I jokingly told Brandon that me scheduling Aaron to leave on his birthday so he could be alone with his mother on his birthday and get more attention. And Brandon thanked me for it. Brandon followed his brother on Wednesday. I scheduled their trips together like that intentionally. For one thing, although I really wanted to spend a couple of days alone with Aaron to get to know him, I was a little bit nervous of what to do with him otherwise. I figured he would probably be bored out of his mind with me so I brought Brandon out a few days in. I knew Brandon would be jealous of having to share me with Aaron at first but he was coming for a month so I would easily make it up to him.
How odd to watch the dynamic of my sister's two sons interacting. They spent plenty of time together but always with Aaron being totally supportive of his younger brother and Brandon speaking to Aaron with contention and irritation. And Brandon kept telling his mother things about Aaron's bad attitude that weren't apparent to anyone but Brandon. If I was talking to Aaron, Brandon was pushing him out of the way. Oh, I saw myself. How amazing. What an insight. To see someone so much like me, the way I used to be and still the way I am ins some ways. With a hefty dash of my sister in him that I really didn't recognize before.
Brandon's whole demeanor changed the moment Aaron walked out of sight into security at the airport. It was total a 180... perk. When he first arrived he was irritating. He pushed and spoke over everyone and was bitter and jealous; after Aaron left he was Brandon again. Brandon is my kind of people. Yes, I love Aaron and I enjoyed spending time with him but Brandon is so much like me and so in need of guidance. All of those times that I have said "why did no one tell me?" about the false crap - ahem, stuff - that I went through as a teenager/young adult will be my gift to Brandon. I know, you would think that he would be rolling his eyes and telling me where to go but he's not... he wants to know this stuff... he needs to know this stuff... and he seems to recognize that fact... even about the stuff that he really doesn't understand yet. God love him. He is one special fella.
I haven't written in a while because my nephews have been visiting. Aaron is 17, just finished high school, and came out from Sunday the 6th until Sunday the 13th. What a strange experience. I hadn't seen Aaron since 2004 and that's a long time when you are growing up. And the last time I saw him, he was a 13 year old who knew everything, including that I had nothing to say that he wanted to hear. But I can dig that. Been there. Now he's 17 and interested again. I gave him a picture of something else. It was odd to watch him and see the five year old that he once was. So oddly similar. He was too smart. Always told you things that seemed to have the message that he was really smart and a deep thinker. From the moment he could talk.
I enjoyed seeing him again and was proud to have him in my family, proud to share my life with him. No matter what he thinks about me at this stage of his life, I think that he will think fondly of me in the future. And that's enough. Funny, oh me.
I am going to totally break my train of thought now to say a big sigh. Good sigh. I love me sigh. I'm doing something right sigh. Holy shit, I am freaking scared shitless... how cool is that sigh. Stop swearing sigh. lol
Anyway, Aaron got here on Sunday and that was Brandon's 16th birthday. We had two full and two half days alone together. Monday we went to Playland and I was amazed at Aaron's determination to conquer his fear of heights and go on every roller coaster there. He started slow but we gradually got to the Hellevator which goes up 200 feet at 75 miles/hour. Afraid of heights? Wow! He said he blacked out going up but I think he just blew his mind! We chilled out Tuesday... went to the gym together and walked around a bit, cooked supper, Aaron made strawberry tarts and then we had a few beers and got stoned! Don't tell my sister, for shit's sake! (Oops! Trying to stop swearing and get a little bit of feminine shit on the go here! lol) I mean, for heaven's sake! I had fun. We chatted. I feel that we bonded. I was impressed with his maturity and sense of future. I think he will do fine.
I jokingly told Brandon that me scheduling Aaron to leave on his birthday so he could be alone with his mother on his birthday and get more attention. And Brandon thanked me for it. Brandon followed his brother on Wednesday. I scheduled their trips together like that intentionally. For one thing, although I really wanted to spend a couple of days alone with Aaron to get to know him, I was a little bit nervous of what to do with him otherwise. I figured he would probably be bored out of his mind with me so I brought Brandon out a few days in. I knew Brandon would be jealous of having to share me with Aaron at first but he was coming for a month so I would easily make it up to him.
How odd to watch the dynamic of my sister's two sons interacting. They spent plenty of time together but always with Aaron being totally supportive of his younger brother and Brandon speaking to Aaron with contention and irritation. And Brandon kept telling his mother things about Aaron's bad attitude that weren't apparent to anyone but Brandon. If I was talking to Aaron, Brandon was pushing him out of the way. Oh, I saw myself. How amazing. What an insight. To see someone so much like me, the way I used to be and still the way I am ins some ways. With a hefty dash of my sister in him that I really didn't recognize before.
Brandon's whole demeanor changed the moment Aaron walked out of sight into security at the airport. It was total a 180... perk. When he first arrived he was irritating. He pushed and spoke over everyone and was bitter and jealous; after Aaron left he was Brandon again. Brandon is my kind of people. Yes, I love Aaron and I enjoyed spending time with him but Brandon is so much like me and so in need of guidance. All of those times that I have said "why did no one tell me?" about the false crap - ahem, stuff - that I went through as a teenager/young adult will be my gift to Brandon. I know, you would think that he would be rolling his eyes and telling me where to go but he's not... he wants to know this stuff... he needs to know this stuff... and he seems to recognize that fact... even about the stuff that he really doesn't understand yet. God love him. He is one special fella.
Tuesday, July 8, 2008
Horoscope
Scorpio
October 23 - November 21
The current astral configuration will make you feel happier and more energetic than you may have been feeling lately, dear Scorpio. The reasons for some of the changes that have been happening in your life seem so much clearer to you now. Once you have gotten all your strength back, you will be able to set new goals and ambitions for yourself based on these changes in motivation.
October 23 - November 21
The current astral configuration will make you feel happier and more energetic than you may have been feeling lately, dear Scorpio. The reasons for some of the changes that have been happening in your life seem so much clearer to you now. Once you have gotten all your strength back, you will be able to set new goals and ambitions for yourself based on these changes in motivation.
Saturday, July 5, 2008
Horoscope
Scorpio
October 23 - November 21
Love is not something that is going to happen spontaneously at this time, dear Scorpio. Don't sit around waiting for someone to come down with a magic wand and instantly make everything better. Love and relationships with close friends and family are things that you are going to need to work for. Keep in mind that this work doesn't necessarily need to be tiring or gruesome, but it is a form of effort on your part.
October 23 - November 21
Love is not something that is going to happen spontaneously at this time, dear Scorpio. Don't sit around waiting for someone to come down with a magic wand and instantly make everything better. Love and relationships with close friends and family are things that you are going to need to work for. Keep in mind that this work doesn't necessarily need to be tiring or gruesome, but it is a form of effort on your part.
What is it, boy? Did Pa fall into the well?
It's been kind of a weird week. The other day, for the very first time, I thought 'this is what they are talking about, this is depression'. So, from that, several other thoughts surfaced... although I am stoned right now and I don't really know what they are.
Arg! I have a severe case of the 'don't wanna's' and it's really... really not bothering me as much as it usually would. Hmm. It's bothering me but more in a factual kind of way more so than emotional. I am supposed to go out with Lisa tonight but I don't wanna. Stacey stayed over last night and she was gone when I got up this morning; I keep thinking that I should call her but I don't wanna. Fabe called about an hour ago; I saw his number on the call display but just thought, no, I don't wanna. I'm having diet Coke and fudge for breakfast, I'm watching tv shows that I have absolutely no interest in; I keep thinking that I should get off the couch but I don't wanna.
It's kind of strange to have these I don't wanna's with no other emotion. Usually I would be in bed crying or leaving work because I can't stop crying or shutting all of the phones off because I can't handle it anymore; I would be hating myself because I keep letting everyone down and I am fat and ugly and I need to push everyone away. Today, though? I'm just sitting here. I'm just waiting for it to go away. I'm just sitting here until I feel like not sitting here anymore.
But am I? I have put on at least 5 pounds. I was laughing to myself the other day - how many times have I talked about the fact that I have lost 30 lbs several times in my adult life but I could never get past it. But then I thought - well, I didn't get anywhere near 30 lbs so this has nothing to do with that... then started laughing because I think 24 lbs is pretty close to 30 lbs and I am seeing the same behaviors, the same issues, the same problems. There is no man in my life, I am not desperately in love with anyone, I have no job to complain about, I decided to not even think about work until September so I have no stress, I am not mad at anyone, I don't feel that I have let anyone down, I just got back from two weeks away so it's not that I am sick of being stuck at home, I have had people around me when I want, no one around me when I don't want, I exercise when I want, I sleep when I want, I have no problems, no worries, nothing is wrong... and yet, still, nothing is right.
Am I hard to please or what?
Another change is that I am not stressing about it. I feel that it will go away. I feel that, no matter what I do or say right now, this will go away and I will get up and do all of the things that I have to do.
Now let's wait and see if I'm right. The scary part is - how long do I wait? I guess I will know when I know.
Arg! I have a severe case of the 'don't wanna's' and it's really... really not bothering me as much as it usually would. Hmm. It's bothering me but more in a factual kind of way more so than emotional. I am supposed to go out with Lisa tonight but I don't wanna. Stacey stayed over last night and she was gone when I got up this morning; I keep thinking that I should call her but I don't wanna. Fabe called about an hour ago; I saw his number on the call display but just thought, no, I don't wanna. I'm having diet Coke and fudge for breakfast, I'm watching tv shows that I have absolutely no interest in; I keep thinking that I should get off the couch but I don't wanna.
It's kind of strange to have these I don't wanna's with no other emotion. Usually I would be in bed crying or leaving work because I can't stop crying or shutting all of the phones off because I can't handle it anymore; I would be hating myself because I keep letting everyone down and I am fat and ugly and I need to push everyone away. Today, though? I'm just sitting here. I'm just waiting for it to go away. I'm just sitting here until I feel like not sitting here anymore.
But am I? I have put on at least 5 pounds. I was laughing to myself the other day - how many times have I talked about the fact that I have lost 30 lbs several times in my adult life but I could never get past it. But then I thought - well, I didn't get anywhere near 30 lbs so this has nothing to do with that... then started laughing because I think 24 lbs is pretty close to 30 lbs and I am seeing the same behaviors, the same issues, the same problems. There is no man in my life, I am not desperately in love with anyone, I have no job to complain about, I decided to not even think about work until September so I have no stress, I am not mad at anyone, I don't feel that I have let anyone down, I just got back from two weeks away so it's not that I am sick of being stuck at home, I have had people around me when I want, no one around me when I don't want, I exercise when I want, I sleep when I want, I have no problems, no worries, nothing is wrong... and yet, still, nothing is right.
Am I hard to please or what?
Another change is that I am not stressing about it. I feel that it will go away. I feel that, no matter what I do or say right now, this will go away and I will get up and do all of the things that I have to do.
Now let's wait and see if I'm right. The scary part is - how long do I wait? I guess I will know when I know.
Sunday, June 29, 2008
Letter to my seester
"Sister -
I am writing this the night before you leave BC & start out on your big adventure and I want to tell you something... DON'T GO!!! Just kidding! (sort of!)
I cannot tell you how much the past two years of having you so close has meant to me. Not only was it helpful to have your ear and shoulder during a trying time in my life, it was also nice to share a bit of your life again. You have become an amazing, beautiful, kind and generous woman. I am so proud of you and love you more than ever - although I never would have thought that could be possible. You are, without a doubt, my favourite person in the whole world and I am going to miss you tremendously.
It is true that the selfish part of my wants to make you stay but the rest of me is very excited for you as you enter the next stage of your life. You are just getting started, there is so much to see and learn. I know that your life will be fantastic (I will be your biggest fan!)
No matter where our lives take us, no matter how far apart we may be, we will always be together... inside, where it counts. Be safe, my sister, my friend.
Love,
Beverly"
I am writing this the night before you leave BC & start out on your big adventure and I want to tell you something... DON'T GO!!! Just kidding! (sort of!)
I cannot tell you how much the past two years of having you so close has meant to me. Not only was it helpful to have your ear and shoulder during a trying time in my life, it was also nice to share a bit of your life again. You have become an amazing, beautiful, kind and generous woman. I am so proud of you and love you more than ever - although I never would have thought that could be possible. You are, without a doubt, my favourite person in the whole world and I am going to miss you tremendously.
It is true that the selfish part of my wants to make you stay but the rest of me is very excited for you as you enter the next stage of your life. You are just getting started, there is so much to see and learn. I know that your life will be fantastic (I will be your biggest fan!)
No matter where our lives take us, no matter how far apart we may be, we will always be together... inside, where it counts. Be safe, my sister, my friend.
Love,
Beverly"
The end
One more day. That's all I have left with my little sister. Of course, she's moving - not dying or something - I will see her again but it won't be the same. I know it's time for her to go but it's not time for me. I am very excited and happy for her but I am sad for me. Is that okay? Is that selfish? I want to tell her. I want to tell her all of the things that I have tried to tell her so many, many times but could never express out loud or on paper.
I would get so emotional, so upset, so unable to deal with that and I would stop. She said today that she didn't want to think about leaving, didn't want to deal with it but I said do; cry and laugh and experience it. These people were important in her life, this time was a very important stage of growth - mourn it, recognize it, acknowledge it and move on. Repressing this shit has no positive side effect! Obviously.
One of Debra's friends posted a bunch of pics online today of the going away party. Criminy, I am fat! (206 last recorded weight, probably put on a few since then - also, I want to note that in my '87 journal I said that I was 170 when I was 15.) Anyway, my first reaction to the pictures was how fat I looked; the second thing I noticed was I am smiling and obviously having a good time in every single one of them. So one really has little to do with the other when no boys are involved. Perhaps I will take a moritorium from relationships (thanks, Alanis!) and just get this shit done. I know I can maintain, I need to fat camp myself and just get it done... well under way, if nothing else.
I have to go to sleep now... I am hurting... too much booze, not enough food... also not helpful! Kisses!
I would get so emotional, so upset, so unable to deal with that and I would stop. She said today that she didn't want to think about leaving, didn't want to deal with it but I said do; cry and laugh and experience it. These people were important in her life, this time was a very important stage of growth - mourn it, recognize it, acknowledge it and move on. Repressing this shit has no positive side effect! Obviously.
One of Debra's friends posted a bunch of pics online today of the going away party. Criminy, I am fat! (206 last recorded weight, probably put on a few since then - also, I want to note that in my '87 journal I said that I was 170 when I was 15.) Anyway, my first reaction to the pictures was how fat I looked; the second thing I noticed was I am smiling and obviously having a good time in every single one of them. So one really has little to do with the other when no boys are involved. Perhaps I will take a moritorium from relationships (thanks, Alanis!) and just get this shit done. I know I can maintain, I need to fat camp myself and just get it done... well under way, if nothing else.
I have to go to sleep now... I am hurting... too much booze, not enough food... also not helpful! Kisses!
Thursday, June 26, 2008
Victoria, Victoria
Well, it's almost over... my little girl is leaving me soon. I am on the island until Debra and Andrew leave on Monday. I am 75% devastated - I don't know what that is supposed to mean but I sure am going to miss them.
This post, though, is not about them... it's about me!! I decided that I don't like being fat anymore. Yep. Just decided. Cuz I was totally fine with it before!! No, I'm just sick of it - I'm sick of this big gut in front of me all the time, I'm sick of the lack of clothing choices, I'm sick of being out of breath, I'm sick of the way people look at me (or, I guess, don't look at me would be more appropriate). No more living in extremes, though. It's not all or nothing, it's not be fat or be thin, it's something in the middle. Once again, as with so many of the changes in my life, I have to try the exact opposite of what I've been doing... have the treats when I am out with friends but make good decisions when I am on my own. Make healthy choices. I am back at the point where I have no interest in the crap but I am almost fighting it, almost making myself clear my plate again. It's okay, me... two steps forward, one step back.
I was so saddened by that old journal that I read, though. Way back, years ago, Mom sent a project that I did in grade 5... a kind of 'all about me' thing and all I talked about was losing weight. I don't want to think about it anymore, I don't want to be a slave to my size, I don't want to think that everything in the world will be better if only I could lose some weight. I really, really did think that when I was younger. When I was a dreamer. I hate being fat but I don't think that it makes me less than a person anymore. I am perfectly at peace with being fat if that is really what I want. If I want to eat that much that I will remain large for my whole life then I will live with that. What I have to realize, though, is the consequences.
There are consequences in everything: good and bad. The consequence of being fat is that I cannot lead the lifestyle that I want to lead. I want to climb things, I want to run, I want to hike, I want to swim, I want to exercise. The consequence of eating crap is that I cannot wear the clothes that I want to wear, I cannot look the way I want to look. The consequence of obesity is that I cannot attract the man that I want. And I will not settle. Cellulite and jiggling belly fat is not what I am looking for. And the only way that I can get what I am looking for is to work at it - hard. How much do I want it?
This post, though, is not about them... it's about me!! I decided that I don't like being fat anymore. Yep. Just decided. Cuz I was totally fine with it before!! No, I'm just sick of it - I'm sick of this big gut in front of me all the time, I'm sick of the lack of clothing choices, I'm sick of being out of breath, I'm sick of the way people look at me (or, I guess, don't look at me would be more appropriate). No more living in extremes, though. It's not all or nothing, it's not be fat or be thin, it's something in the middle. Once again, as with so many of the changes in my life, I have to try the exact opposite of what I've been doing... have the treats when I am out with friends but make good decisions when I am on my own. Make healthy choices. I am back at the point where I have no interest in the crap but I am almost fighting it, almost making myself clear my plate again. It's okay, me... two steps forward, one step back.
I was so saddened by that old journal that I read, though. Way back, years ago, Mom sent a project that I did in grade 5... a kind of 'all about me' thing and all I talked about was losing weight. I don't want to think about it anymore, I don't want to be a slave to my size, I don't want to think that everything in the world will be better if only I could lose some weight. I really, really did think that when I was younger. When I was a dreamer. I hate being fat but I don't think that it makes me less than a person anymore. I am perfectly at peace with being fat if that is really what I want. If I want to eat that much that I will remain large for my whole life then I will live with that. What I have to realize, though, is the consequences.
There are consequences in everything: good and bad. The consequence of being fat is that I cannot lead the lifestyle that I want to lead. I want to climb things, I want to run, I want to hike, I want to swim, I want to exercise. The consequence of eating crap is that I cannot wear the clothes that I want to wear, I cannot look the way I want to look. The consequence of obesity is that I cannot attract the man that I want. And I will not settle. Cellulite and jiggling belly fat is not what I am looking for. And the only way that I can get what I am looking for is to work at it - hard. How much do I want it?
Wednesday, June 25, 2008
Horoscope
Scorpio
October 23 - November 21
Certain matters may seem a little cloudy from your vantage point today, dear Scorpio, but this is no reason to be blue. It could be that adjustments must be made before you are able to relate to others on a smooth basis. Take this opportunity to tune out for a while and to get a change of perspective. It could be a lot of fun to just stay close to home and fall asleep on the couch while watching a good movie.
*** I think I figured something out a bit... but I don't feel like writing now so it will have to keep for another time.
October 23 - November 21
Certain matters may seem a little cloudy from your vantage point today, dear Scorpio, but this is no reason to be blue. It could be that adjustments must be made before you are able to relate to others on a smooth basis. Take this opportunity to tune out for a while and to get a change of perspective. It could be a lot of fun to just stay close to home and fall asleep on the couch while watching a good movie.
*** I think I figured something out a bit... but I don't feel like writing now so it will have to keep for another time.
Thursday, June 19, 2008
In their defense
After I wrote the last post, I started reading the letters that were in the box where I found my diary. Here are two letters that were written to me from my parents as a part of a COR retreat that I did in high school (grade 12, I think... so, 1989ish).
From Mom:
Dear Beverly,
I hope you are enjoying your weekend. Imagine a whole weekend away from Cinderella duties.
First of all Bev I want to tell you that I am sorry if I seemed harsh in discussing Safe Grad the other night. I guess I get overly irritated when things don't go exactly the way I would like it.
Since this letter is not meant to deal with my personality, but to tell you how how much I love you and how proud I am of you and everything you do. you are a beautiful young woman and it may seem that sometimes you get lost in the crowd. you also feel taken for granted most of the time. Believe me, I appreciate going home and not having to face an untidy house.
You know it's too bad that life moves by all of us so fast. There never seems to be enough time for parents to sit back and enjoy their families the way they should. It seems we only make the time when we feel there is a problem to deal with. We never take the time to just sit back and enjoy each other. Maybe that's not totally right. I do like to feel that you and I have had some good chats together. I hope when you leave us next year and if you decide to live on your own, you will spend as much time with us as you can. Once you go to university and are so far away, we won't see you very often.
You know Bev you find it hard to believe that I consider you my baby. I have kind of put Debra aside in my mind. She is so young and we will have a long time to enjoy time with her, please God. But you never did get to have our undivided attention, did you? That does not mean that we are not aware of you.
Your father is also writing you a letter. We have not shared what is written and we won't but I do have to tell you that after the drama festival the other night he said how proud he was and how beautiful you are.
You have an inner beauty that also shines through in your expression. You have an easygoing way about you but I know there is a lot of depth to you also. You are a deep thinker and sometimes have been terribly depressed. At times I feared for you, but thank God, your strength overcame whatever was getting you down.
I hate the thought of you growing up. It seems I hardly realized you were 17 years and there you are finishing school. It always seems that you shouldn't be that old already. You went from 14 to 17 so fast, going out on dates with older guys. It's hard to let you grow up, to let go.
I don't know if this weekend will make a lot of difference to you. I guess I always like to think that we are a close family, that family life is important to you and to the rest of us. You are everything we want you to be at this stage of your life.
You are a caring, loving person. You are not always out on the go. You spend time at home with us. You are willing and as we discussed once before, you could have grown up with a chip on your shoulder because of Debra but you haven't. She thinks you are wonderful.
Bev I could probably keep going on here forever, but you have other things to get on to. I hope when this weekend is over you will remember some of what I have said, especially when you want to do something and I'm against it. You will have to remind me you are growing up and of course I'll probably still give you a hard time.
Remember always that I love you and am proud of you. You are a special person. We love you for the wonderful person you are.
Enjoy the rest of your weekend. We will see you on Sunday. Remember although I don't say it often in our daily encounters, I love you very much and will always be here for you.
Love Mom
From Dad:
Hi Bev,
I am writing this letter to tell you something that I don't say very often to you. I love you.
Loving you is so easy, because you are just like me. Ha! A few things that are different between us is that you show your feelings better than me.
The time you had your fall from the bike and you wrote the story about it, I was so hurt. Hurt because it was true what you said. If you had to look close at me you would have seen that I was fighting back tears that I didn't want you to see. I know it is stupid to you but that's the way I am.
Telling you now that I'm sorry don't replace the hurt you had then. That kind of hurt don't heal with time. Oh! If I had my time back, I would show you the love I have for you. I'd show you feelings that you can't put on paper.
Dad
From Mom:
Dear Beverly,
I hope you are enjoying your weekend. Imagine a whole weekend away from Cinderella duties.
First of all Bev I want to tell you that I am sorry if I seemed harsh in discussing Safe Grad the other night. I guess I get overly irritated when things don't go exactly the way I would like it.
Since this letter is not meant to deal with my personality, but to tell you how how much I love you and how proud I am of you and everything you do. you are a beautiful young woman and it may seem that sometimes you get lost in the crowd. you also feel taken for granted most of the time. Believe me, I appreciate going home and not having to face an untidy house.
You know it's too bad that life moves by all of us so fast. There never seems to be enough time for parents to sit back and enjoy their families the way they should. It seems we only make the time when we feel there is a problem to deal with. We never take the time to just sit back and enjoy each other. Maybe that's not totally right. I do like to feel that you and I have had some good chats together. I hope when you leave us next year and if you decide to live on your own, you will spend as much time with us as you can. Once you go to university and are so far away, we won't see you very often.
You know Bev you find it hard to believe that I consider you my baby. I have kind of put Debra aside in my mind. She is so young and we will have a long time to enjoy time with her, please God. But you never did get to have our undivided attention, did you? That does not mean that we are not aware of you.
Your father is also writing you a letter. We have not shared what is written and we won't but I do have to tell you that after the drama festival the other night he said how proud he was and how beautiful you are.
You have an inner beauty that also shines through in your expression. You have an easygoing way about you but I know there is a lot of depth to you also. You are a deep thinker and sometimes have been terribly depressed. At times I feared for you, but thank God, your strength overcame whatever was getting you down.
I hate the thought of you growing up. It seems I hardly realized you were 17 years and there you are finishing school. It always seems that you shouldn't be that old already. You went from 14 to 17 so fast, going out on dates with older guys. It's hard to let you grow up, to let go.
I don't know if this weekend will make a lot of difference to you. I guess I always like to think that we are a close family, that family life is important to you and to the rest of us. You are everything we want you to be at this stage of your life.
You are a caring, loving person. You are not always out on the go. You spend time at home with us. You are willing and as we discussed once before, you could have grown up with a chip on your shoulder because of Debra but you haven't. She thinks you are wonderful.
Bev I could probably keep going on here forever, but you have other things to get on to. I hope when this weekend is over you will remember some of what I have said, especially when you want to do something and I'm against it. You will have to remind me you are growing up and of course I'll probably still give you a hard time.
Remember always that I love you and am proud of you. You are a special person. We love you for the wonderful person you are.
Enjoy the rest of your weekend. We will see you on Sunday. Remember although I don't say it often in our daily encounters, I love you very much and will always be here for you.
Love Mom
From Dad:
Hi Bev,
I am writing this letter to tell you something that I don't say very often to you. I love you.
Loving you is so easy, because you are just like me. Ha! A few things that are different between us is that you show your feelings better than me.
The time you had your fall from the bike and you wrote the story about it, I was so hurt. Hurt because it was true what you said. If you had to look close at me you would have seen that I was fighting back tears that I didn't want you to see. I know it is stupid to you but that's the way I am.
Telling you now that I'm sorry don't replace the hurt you had then. That kind of hurt don't heal with time. Oh! If I had my time back, I would show you the love I have for you. I'd show you feelings that you can't put on paper.
Dad
It's all me
I was feeling much better after that last post. I got up yesterday and went for a walk. I even ran into Ian, Lynda and Daisy (ha, that's the first time I spelled her name correctly... I must be over it!) and chatted and scratched butt for a couple of minutes. I tried to bring Lynda into the conversation as well - she should know that I'm over it, no hard feelings, I won't be eating her children anytime soon. And, you know what? Little side bar here but I really never noticed... she's a bit chubby herself.
So, I'm kinda back on my ass again. Not... well... I... hmmm. I pulled out my first journal, from 1987/88 when I was 15/16. Sad. Muther. Sad stuff. And, for probably the first time, I was pissed off. I remember that girl. I remember those feelings of never being able to do anything right. I would try and I would try and nothing was good enough. Nothing has been good enough since because nothing was ever good enough. Although, perhaps that was by my standards, not everyone else's. God, I cry for that girl... for the pain that she was in.
And I got pissed off because why did no one see that pain? Why did they not reach out to me when I so obviously needed them? Mom was too busy keeping up with work and volunteering and she had clubs and committees; Dad was busy making sure no one saw a sensitive feeling slip out when he wasn't paying attention. All of this pain for all of these years could have been eased so much if someone just came into my room and put their arms around me.
No wonder I could never let anyone hold me. That was really apparent in the early days with Ian; it drove me crazy when he would stand there and hug me but I loved it so much after I learned to accept it. I always knew that was a side effect from Mom and the countless times that I came to her and she pushed me away... I would never even approach my dad in that way... there's no way he would accept such a open show of affection. They fucked me up: chemically, emotionally, physically. I know I was there and I know that I had a choice in everything that I said and did in my whole life... I was also a child who was lost and alone and thought that I was garbage. They saw it, they watched it, they both admit that... Mom used to read my diary for fucks sake. Dad told her that I was suicidal. Mom told me in recent years that she didn't like me back then... she didn't like me. She didn't like me. Fuch.
We all know that I don't blame them. I mean, yeah, they made mistakes but, for one thing, they had no control over the messed up combination of them that they created. And they just didn't see me - but I do blame them for not taking the time to look for me. They also had no control over their upbringing and body chemistry. But they were adults, I was a child... they were supposed to be there, they were supposed to love me, they were supposed to teach me to love myself, they were supposed to intervene when I so obviously did not love myself. So, yeah, maybe I do blame them. They were old enough to know better and they did a shit job in raising me emotionally. "What did I do wrong" she used to say a couple of years ago... until I started answering her. Yes, I do blame them, I blame her. She should have paid more attention to her child that was falling apart and less attention to all those fucking strangers that she felt it was so important that she sit on their committees and be such a big fucking hero in the community.
My Julian Gray shrink guy used to say that it was unnatural to blame myself for everything. Oh, the guilt, the self loathing, the constant berating. I didn't really get what he was saying because I knew that I was the problem so who else was I to blame? He said it wasn't natural to take so much on my shoulders but, at the time, I thought he meant work stuff and family stuff... I didn't realize that he meant that I couldn't be in absolute control of everything in my whole life. Maybe taking a bit of the blame off my shoulders will help me put some of this stuff to rest.
And I made a decision today. I am going to be to others who my mother should have been to me. I will have children (!!!!!!!!!) and I will teach them how to love, themselves and others. And I am going to treat my mother with massive amounts of love and respect, I will be everything that she wasn't to me. I will teach her, too.
Another thing just hit me - I finally figured out why, when I was 18, I decided I would never have children - because I learned that having children was such a terrible, thankless burden. Mom told me practically every day.
I know I will feel differently in about 5 minutes but I will say this right now for the first time in my recollection - I hate them. I hate them for what they did. I hate them for not seeing me. I hate them for fucking me up so fucking goddamn much. They fucked up my whole fucking life and I'm so far behind I don't know if I can ever catch up. FUCK. fuck.
Last comment - I had no idea how fucked up I was. I truly honestly had no idea.
So, I'm kinda back on my ass again. Not... well... I... hmmm. I pulled out my first journal, from 1987/88 when I was 15/16. Sad. Muther. Sad stuff. And, for probably the first time, I was pissed off. I remember that girl. I remember those feelings of never being able to do anything right. I would try and I would try and nothing was good enough. Nothing has been good enough since because nothing was ever good enough. Although, perhaps that was by my standards, not everyone else's. God, I cry for that girl... for the pain that she was in.
And I got pissed off because why did no one see that pain? Why did they not reach out to me when I so obviously needed them? Mom was too busy keeping up with work and volunteering and she had clubs and committees; Dad was busy making sure no one saw a sensitive feeling slip out when he wasn't paying attention. All of this pain for all of these years could have been eased so much if someone just came into my room and put their arms around me.
No wonder I could never let anyone hold me. That was really apparent in the early days with Ian; it drove me crazy when he would stand there and hug me but I loved it so much after I learned to accept it. I always knew that was a side effect from Mom and the countless times that I came to her and she pushed me away... I would never even approach my dad in that way... there's no way he would accept such a open show of affection. They fucked me up: chemically, emotionally, physically. I know I was there and I know that I had a choice in everything that I said and did in my whole life... I was also a child who was lost and alone and thought that I was garbage. They saw it, they watched it, they both admit that... Mom used to read my diary for fucks sake. Dad told her that I was suicidal. Mom told me in recent years that she didn't like me back then... she didn't like me. She didn't like me. Fuch.
We all know that I don't blame them. I mean, yeah, they made mistakes but, for one thing, they had no control over the messed up combination of them that they created. And they just didn't see me - but I do blame them for not taking the time to look for me. They also had no control over their upbringing and body chemistry. But they were adults, I was a child... they were supposed to be there, they were supposed to love me, they were supposed to teach me to love myself, they were supposed to intervene when I so obviously did not love myself. So, yeah, maybe I do blame them. They were old enough to know better and they did a shit job in raising me emotionally. "What did I do wrong" she used to say a couple of years ago... until I started answering her. Yes, I do blame them, I blame her. She should have paid more attention to her child that was falling apart and less attention to all those fucking strangers that she felt it was so important that she sit on their committees and be such a big fucking hero in the community.
My Julian Gray shrink guy used to say that it was unnatural to blame myself for everything. Oh, the guilt, the self loathing, the constant berating. I didn't really get what he was saying because I knew that I was the problem so who else was I to blame? He said it wasn't natural to take so much on my shoulders but, at the time, I thought he meant work stuff and family stuff... I didn't realize that he meant that I couldn't be in absolute control of everything in my whole life. Maybe taking a bit of the blame off my shoulders will help me put some of this stuff to rest.
And I made a decision today. I am going to be to others who my mother should have been to me. I will have children (!!!!!!!!!) and I will teach them how to love, themselves and others. And I am going to treat my mother with massive amounts of love and respect, I will be everything that she wasn't to me. I will teach her, too.
Another thing just hit me - I finally figured out why, when I was 18, I decided I would never have children - because I learned that having children was such a terrible, thankless burden. Mom told me practically every day.
I know I will feel differently in about 5 minutes but I will say this right now for the first time in my recollection - I hate them. I hate them for what they did. I hate them for not seeing me. I hate them for fucking me up so fucking goddamn much. They fucked up my whole fucking life and I'm so far behind I don't know if I can ever catch up. FUCK. fuck.
Last comment - I had no idea how fucked up I was. I truly honestly had no idea.
Tuesday, June 17, 2008
Almost
It's as if I am stuck. Stuck in the steps back. I have gained 4 pounds. I eat and I cry. I watch movies and I check my email to see if someone has approved of me yet. I could walk to the store. I could clean my pad. I could scrub my ceramic tiles. I could go walk some dogs. I could make some money. I could figure out my life. I could fix myself some lunch. But I will sit here and eat fudge.
It's familiar. Yes, I have hated being here my whole life but you must also realize that this is where I have been my whole life. This is what I know. This is where I am comfortable... all cozy in my own little private torture chamber. But I think it's almost time...
It's time to just be. Stop looking for answers, stop looking for more questions and just be. I can be this. If I want to. I can be here eating and smoking pot and crying to my laptop. If I want to. I can be anything that I want. Anyone. Anyhow. I choose. Anything. I am the one making these decisions; the big and the small.
Who I want to be doesn't have to be perfect. Who I want to be has strengths and weaknesses. Who I want to be knows that it's okay to be alone sometimes but it doesn't have to be all the time. Who I want to be is active. Who I want to be is fun. Who I want to be has a life. Who I want to be goes out and does things. Who I want to be doesn't just sit here and cry about it.
Who I want to be is beautiful. Who I want to be messes up sometimes but it's no big deal. Who I want to be realizes that it's okay if it is a big deal sometimes. Who I want to be is healthy and loves herself and her family. Who I want to be I will be some day. I just have to be.
It's familiar. Yes, I have hated being here my whole life but you must also realize that this is where I have been my whole life. This is what I know. This is where I am comfortable... all cozy in my own little private torture chamber. But I think it's almost time...
It's time to just be. Stop looking for answers, stop looking for more questions and just be. I can be this. If I want to. I can be here eating and smoking pot and crying to my laptop. If I want to. I can be anything that I want. Anyone. Anyhow. I choose. Anything. I am the one making these decisions; the big and the small.
Who I want to be doesn't have to be perfect. Who I want to be has strengths and weaknesses. Who I want to be knows that it's okay to be alone sometimes but it doesn't have to be all the time. Who I want to be is active. Who I want to be is fun. Who I want to be has a life. Who I want to be goes out and does things. Who I want to be doesn't just sit here and cry about it.
Who I want to be is beautiful. Who I want to be messes up sometimes but it's no big deal. Who I want to be realizes that it's okay if it is a big deal sometimes. Who I want to be is healthy and loves herself and her family. Who I want to be I will be some day. I just have to be.
Food
Perhaps it's because I am alone 97.5% of the time, I have nothing to occupy myself and all I want to do is eat crappy food or get stoned.
The world
Why is it that some days I feel like I am on top of the world and some days I feel like I can't get out from under it?
Tuesday, June 10, 2008
Flash
I was just reading some old posts and it was as if I was reading someone else's words. It was like reading the boring melodramatic story of a highly confident, albeit slightly messed up, woman in her mid 30s. And, I have to tell you, through a lot of it I was rolling my eyes and wondering how this woman got to be so goddamned sure about herself. I mean listen to her go on and on, pat, pat, pat on the back. Was that me?
But why the fuck not be her? So goddamned sure about herself. I reminded myself today that I now kind of get a kick out of reading about the life changing struggles that I poured my heart out about just a few years ago... I was tormented and uncomfortable and anguished... they were so frustrating and ... and now they are a distant memory (and oddly seem so much simpler in hindsight) and I am so much better off for going through all of that. So I guess tormented and uncomfortable and anguished are just part of my personality. And people put up with it, for the most part. There's obviously some good going on here, girlfriend. Let's have a little looksy at that for a change.
Of course, I'll get through this, too - I'm just soaking up the drama! Okay, well, along with pouring my heart out about the life changing struggles that are in progress. This is where I think and sort and discover and question and I don't have to feel like I am ruining someone's night and they are probably pissed that they picked up the phone but enough about me how about you mutherfuker (bitter much?). This is why we are here, these are the lessons we are seeking and there will be plenty more, I'm sure.
First comes the thought
and from the thought comes the word;
from the word springs the deed
and the deed slowly becomes habit;
until habit hardens into character
and you become your thoughts.
- Georgia Nicols (Horoscope chick)
We are working on the habit part right now, Beverly. We will get to the character part eventually and when we do it's gonna be fine! Right now we are learning and we are testing and we are struggling but we are doing this for a reason and we will be better for it in the long run. Now, go light up another doobie, strap on the ole iPod and shake your booty!!!
But why the fuck not be her? So goddamned sure about herself. I reminded myself today that I now kind of get a kick out of reading about the life changing struggles that I poured my heart out about just a few years ago... I was tormented and uncomfortable and anguished... they were so frustrating and ... and now they are a distant memory (and oddly seem so much simpler in hindsight) and I am so much better off for going through all of that. So I guess tormented and uncomfortable and anguished are just part of my personality. And people put up with it, for the most part. There's obviously some good going on here, girlfriend. Let's have a little looksy at that for a change.
Of course, I'll get through this, too - I'm just soaking up the drama! Okay, well, along with pouring my heart out about the life changing struggles that are in progress. This is where I think and sort and discover and question and I don't have to feel like I am ruining someone's night and they are probably pissed that they picked up the phone but enough about me how about you mutherfuker (bitter much?). This is why we are here, these are the lessons we are seeking and there will be plenty more, I'm sure.
First comes the thought
and from the thought comes the word;
from the word springs the deed
and the deed slowly becomes habit;
until habit hardens into character
and you become your thoughts.
- Georgia Nicols (Horoscope chick)
We are working on the habit part right now, Beverly. We will get to the character part eventually and when we do it's gonna be fine! Right now we are learning and we are testing and we are struggling but we are doing this for a reason and we will be better for it in the long run. Now, go light up another doobie, strap on the ole iPod and shake your booty!!!
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