I was just thinking... (ya, I know... that almost never happens!) maybe it's time to let myself off the hook. Maybe what I need to do to get past this is let it go. It's so frustrating. Am I not in control of myself? Does it have to be all or nothing? Can't I just be? Just be something in the middle? Maybe what I need to do to find myself is just stop looking?
Why do I make everything into such a big deal? Here's a theory under development... maybe I always thought a man would make it better because when I am in a relationship I don't have as much time to concentrate on my shit. Maybe I don't have to pressure myself to study every available minute of every day... because when I don't study constantly, I don't do it at all. Maybe I don't have to lose every single pound today... because if I am not dieting, I am pigging out. Maybe I don't have to find "the one" right now... because if I am not desperately in love, I am single. Maybe I don't have to get wasted every day... because if I am not sober, I am loaded. Maybe I do expect too much of myself... because if I don't have it all together, I am in a million little pieces. Maybe it's time to just let me be.
Monday, February 18, 2008
And another thing...
I guess another thing that makes me want to bury my head in the sand is not knowing what the future holds in my job. It's like the proverbial rock and hard place. I have been paid way too much over the past couple of years and that is going back to less - much less. I am stressed! I have no savings, I owe a million dollars in back taxes, my line of credit keeps getting bigger and bigger and I don't see the light yet. You know, end of the tunnel stuff. And the fact that I hate my job doesn't help much. But if I were to change to another job I wouldn't make any more than I am now. But maybe I would like it more. Or maybe I would eventually feel about it as I do this.
Learnin'
I'm stuck again. Or perhaps I am coming out of it because I am at the point that I am ready to do something about it. What do I call the past two weeks? I was sick in bed for the first week - was I? I didn't want to go to work, I didn't want to go out, I didn't want to talk to anyone. But, see... this is so confusing. I wasn't depressed about anything, I wasn't crying, I wasn't feeling sad... I just didn't want. Perhaps I was just lazy. Anyway, that week went by and I didn't study or go to work or exercise or do any of the things that I am supposed to do. Okay, so I took a week off... no biggie. But then, during the second week, while I did go to work and I did what I absolutely HAD to do, I still didn't want. I skimmed my duties, I shuffled papers and played games online all week. Am I supposed to look for excuses? Yeah, I had to pick up Mom at the airport and that was pretty late so I didn't get much sleep; yes, I brought her to the ferry the next day but I left work as early as I could get away with and canceled plans with Fabian because I didn't feel like dealing with anything else that day. I still didn't study, I didn't exercise, I didn't go out, I did what I absolutely HAD to do and not a tiny, single thing more. I didn't even pass in my accounting quiz or go to my midterm on Saturday morning. What I did do is go down to Ian's on Thursday to visit with Daisy and had a puff puff pass. I almost almost almost stayed the night. I was super proud of myself for leaving but would I have left if it wasn't for my time of the month???
I guess what those personality profiles say is true: I hold myself up to extremely high standards. I think what the problem is is that, if I don't live up to those standards, I don't do anything. Was I feeling stressed and hiding from it? I have lots of work to do, my desk is flooding over with paper and here I am... typing away. I did have a realization a couple of weeks ago when I was super-hating Joe and that was that the things that he most pissed me off about were things that I should have done but didn't have done. High standards and extremely easy-going. Is it time to start lowering the standards that I expect of myself and be a little more hard-going?
But how do I lower my standards? Getting pissed off with the fact that I don't do everything that I expect of myself... will I not also get pissed off when I find that I am unable to lower my standards? Is it not my easy-going nature that let me off the hook when I somehow decided that I was not going to acheive all of the things that I expected myself to acheive? Then again, is constantly berating myself and feeling guilty and feeling like I should do more letting myself off the hook? Maybe I should listen to myself more. I know I should be doing my work right now. I know I should be studying. I know that I will regret it if I blow another course. I know that it's time to sign off here again and try to get my shit back together.
I guess what those personality profiles say is true: I hold myself up to extremely high standards. I think what the problem is is that, if I don't live up to those standards, I don't do anything. Was I feeling stressed and hiding from it? I have lots of work to do, my desk is flooding over with paper and here I am... typing away. I did have a realization a couple of weeks ago when I was super-hating Joe and that was that the things that he most pissed me off about were things that I should have done but didn't have done. High standards and extremely easy-going. Is it time to start lowering the standards that I expect of myself and be a little more hard-going?
But how do I lower my standards? Getting pissed off with the fact that I don't do everything that I expect of myself... will I not also get pissed off when I find that I am unable to lower my standards? Is it not my easy-going nature that let me off the hook when I somehow decided that I was not going to acheive all of the things that I expected myself to acheive? Then again, is constantly berating myself and feeling guilty and feeling like I should do more letting myself off the hook? Maybe I should listen to myself more. I know I should be doing my work right now. I know I should be studying. I know that I will regret it if I blow another course. I know that it's time to sign off here again and try to get my shit back together.
Fish Chemistry
befralee Relationship Chemistry Test Results
Self-Confidence
As someone with high self-confidence, you feel quite comfortable interacting with other people. Indeed, you find the company of others very stimulating and enjoy meeting new people. Your relaxed demeanor in groups makes people around you comfortable too. Perhaps because you feel comfortable talking about yourself, others tend to enjoy being around you and perceive you as socially competent.
The confidence that helps you feel comfortable talking to people also spills into your own personal beliefs about yourself. Although you have several strengths, it’s likely that you also acknowledge and accept your weaknesses. But unlike some people, you take full responsibility for your actions—you rarely regret things you’ve done in the past and are not embarrassed easily.
Perhaps the defining feature that sets you apart from most people is the exceptionally high standards that you set for yourself. Your competence in social gatherings as well as at work should provide ample evidence for this. With these characteristics, it’s very likely that people come to you for advice and generally think of you as someone with leader-like qualities.
Family Orientation
As someone who respects family values, you tend to enjoy the company of family-members and are open to living a domestic life. If you have children already, you enjoy spending time with them very much and work hard to be a good parent, but may occasionally wish to “cut-loose” and let your true colors show. If you don’t have children, you probably desire having a family sometime in the distant future. Although you occasionally enjoy cooking at home, you also like going to restaurants. This has the potential to create added stress as you transition into parenthood.
You are attracted to the idea of having a family and may be willing to work hard to achieve this, although not necessarily any time soon. This conflict is illustrated by the fact that you don’t mind doing things around the house—like cooking and entertaining guests—on the one hand. But, on the other hand, you also like going to restaurants and parties. It’s possible that in time you might prefer spending time at home more because you won’t feel like you’re missing anything when you don’t go out.
One aspect of yourself that makes you likely to become more family oriented is that you generally know how to manage your frustrations and work well on your own. This means that you have some of the basic ingredients to enjoy family life. Maintaining a tidy home, keeping a well-stocked kitchen, and making sure the kids are safe is a tough job. So attending to these things, while also taking care of yourself, may prove somewhat difficult for you.
Self-Control
The self-control personality dimension captures the way in which a person regulates and directs him or herself. Being low in self-control can be both good and bad. Occasionally people may be compelled to follow their intuitions and give in to their temptations, and your degree of self-control makes this likely to happen more often than not. This can be good in circumstances where being relaxed and open are important. However, in situations where it is necessary to be focused and careful, you might find that you do or say things that may be inappropriate.
As someone who exerts little control over your actions, you may find that you commit social blunders that might offend other people and get yourself in trouble. For example, if you’re given responsibility to work on a project that requires close attention to detail, you may be likely to overlook important details because you have difficulty staying focused. Consequently, you might feel more comfortable delegating such tasks to other people who are more detail oriented. Being able to recognize such characteristics in yourself and having more detail-oriented people do such tasks could be an effective way to manage your own stress level.
Low self-control may diminish your effectiveness at work. Acting too relaxed can make it difficult for you to focus on projects that require organized sequences of steps or stages. Thus, your ability to accomplish may be inconsistent. Indeed, it’s possible that you might be criticized periodically for being unreliable or unable to “stay within the lines.” Nonetheless, you may still experience many short-lived pleasures and never be thought of as boring.
Openness
As someone high in openness, you have a strong appreciation for beauty, both in art and nature. Indeed, it’s likely that you are easily absorbed in music and art, as well as natural phenomena. Another aspect of your openness is your emotional insight; that is, you probably have good access to and awareness of your own emotions.
Another aspect of the openness dimension is the tendency to think about abstract concepts and ideas. This thinking style may take the form of artistic and metaphorical use of language, and/or music composition or performance. Thus, it is likely that, either in your work or spare time, you enjoy activities that get your “creative juices” flowing.
Your tendency to be open-minded can have advantages and disadvantages. For instance, when there are no clear rules about how to approach a particular problem, your openness makes it easier for you to identify new ways to solve problems that might not be very obvious to people that are not as open as you are. In contrast, you may be bored easily in situations that lack high amounts of intellectual stimulation. In such cases, you might have difficulty excelling on projects that do not provide much stimulation or require much creative thinking.
Easygoingness
Easygoingness refers to one's ability to relax. Based on your score, you appear to “take things as they come” and enjoy having a good time. However, being high in easygoingness also has the potential to produce stress in a number of ways. For example, you may find it difficult to complete tasks thoroughly and efficiently. In this way, being high in easygoingness cannot only make your life difficult, but also the lives of the people around you. Another potential problem with being too high in easygoingness is that it can provide you with gratification in the short-term, but in the long-term provide undesirable consequences.
High easygoingness, even when not seriously destructive, may also diminish your effectiveness at work, for example. You may find it aversive and difficult to put in all the effort that may sometimes be needed to effectively accomplish certain tasks. For this reason, your colleagues might view you as forgetful and unfocused.
How does your personality affect your love life?
Given the strong degree of confidence that you have, it’s no surprise that you get along well with most people. Indeed, it’s self-confidence that allows people to feel comfortable interacting with others without feeling insecure and vulnerable. For this reason, you shouldn’t have much difficulty in romance, at least not initially. Your social skills will likely help relieve any anxiety your romantic partners might have on those first few dates. However, over time, the high standards that you have for yourself could potentially frustrate your partner.
Because you respect family values but appreciate a good night out on the town, you probably get along well with people that are different from you. For this reason, you would probably be quite content in a romantic relationship with someone who shares your same values on these issues. Being in a relationship with someone who enjoys going out to parties and staying-up late at night might be fun, at least initially; yet it’s likely that you will find this tiring over time. Thus, it might be easier and more satisfying for you to develop a long-lasting relationship with a person who enjoys both spending time at home and going out to eat.
As someone who is more relaxed than most people, you likely get along with most people quite well. Chances are that your friends and colleagues perceive you as lively, fun to be with, and good-humored. When it comes to romance, you’ll likely be attracted to most people. However, your free-spirited nature might make being in a relationship with a person that is more rigid than you difficult because you might perceive the person as being too uptight and controlling.
Your openness probably makes it easy for you to respect and appreciate people that are different from you. However, when it comes to romantic relationships, your openness might make it difficult for you to tolerate people that cannot appreciate diversity as much as you. Therefore, you may be happiest in serious relationships with people that share your open-mindedness. But, your openness might occasionally cause a certain degree of dependency on your end because you may be so open that you easily adopt the preferences and habits of your partners and gradually relinquish things that make you so unique.
Copyright 2001-2008 Plentyoffish Media INC
Self-Confidence
As someone with high self-confidence, you feel quite comfortable interacting with other people. Indeed, you find the company of others very stimulating and enjoy meeting new people. Your relaxed demeanor in groups makes people around you comfortable too. Perhaps because you feel comfortable talking about yourself, others tend to enjoy being around you and perceive you as socially competent.
The confidence that helps you feel comfortable talking to people also spills into your own personal beliefs about yourself. Although you have several strengths, it’s likely that you also acknowledge and accept your weaknesses. But unlike some people, you take full responsibility for your actions—you rarely regret things you’ve done in the past and are not embarrassed easily.
Perhaps the defining feature that sets you apart from most people is the exceptionally high standards that you set for yourself. Your competence in social gatherings as well as at work should provide ample evidence for this. With these characteristics, it’s very likely that people come to you for advice and generally think of you as someone with leader-like qualities.
Family Orientation
As someone who respects family values, you tend to enjoy the company of family-members and are open to living a domestic life. If you have children already, you enjoy spending time with them very much and work hard to be a good parent, but may occasionally wish to “cut-loose” and let your true colors show. If you don’t have children, you probably desire having a family sometime in the distant future. Although you occasionally enjoy cooking at home, you also like going to restaurants. This has the potential to create added stress as you transition into parenthood.
You are attracted to the idea of having a family and may be willing to work hard to achieve this, although not necessarily any time soon. This conflict is illustrated by the fact that you don’t mind doing things around the house—like cooking and entertaining guests—on the one hand. But, on the other hand, you also like going to restaurants and parties. It’s possible that in time you might prefer spending time at home more because you won’t feel like you’re missing anything when you don’t go out.
One aspect of yourself that makes you likely to become more family oriented is that you generally know how to manage your frustrations and work well on your own. This means that you have some of the basic ingredients to enjoy family life. Maintaining a tidy home, keeping a well-stocked kitchen, and making sure the kids are safe is a tough job. So attending to these things, while also taking care of yourself, may prove somewhat difficult for you.
Self-Control
The self-control personality dimension captures the way in which a person regulates and directs him or herself. Being low in self-control can be both good and bad. Occasionally people may be compelled to follow their intuitions and give in to their temptations, and your degree of self-control makes this likely to happen more often than not. This can be good in circumstances where being relaxed and open are important. However, in situations where it is necessary to be focused and careful, you might find that you do or say things that may be inappropriate.
As someone who exerts little control over your actions, you may find that you commit social blunders that might offend other people and get yourself in trouble. For example, if you’re given responsibility to work on a project that requires close attention to detail, you may be likely to overlook important details because you have difficulty staying focused. Consequently, you might feel more comfortable delegating such tasks to other people who are more detail oriented. Being able to recognize such characteristics in yourself and having more detail-oriented people do such tasks could be an effective way to manage your own stress level.
Low self-control may diminish your effectiveness at work. Acting too relaxed can make it difficult for you to focus on projects that require organized sequences of steps or stages. Thus, your ability to accomplish may be inconsistent. Indeed, it’s possible that you might be criticized periodically for being unreliable or unable to “stay within the lines.” Nonetheless, you may still experience many short-lived pleasures and never be thought of as boring.
Openness
As someone high in openness, you have a strong appreciation for beauty, both in art and nature. Indeed, it’s likely that you are easily absorbed in music and art, as well as natural phenomena. Another aspect of your openness is your emotional insight; that is, you probably have good access to and awareness of your own emotions.
Another aspect of the openness dimension is the tendency to think about abstract concepts and ideas. This thinking style may take the form of artistic and metaphorical use of language, and/or music composition or performance. Thus, it is likely that, either in your work or spare time, you enjoy activities that get your “creative juices” flowing.
Your tendency to be open-minded can have advantages and disadvantages. For instance, when there are no clear rules about how to approach a particular problem, your openness makes it easier for you to identify new ways to solve problems that might not be very obvious to people that are not as open as you are. In contrast, you may be bored easily in situations that lack high amounts of intellectual stimulation. In such cases, you might have difficulty excelling on projects that do not provide much stimulation or require much creative thinking.
Easygoingness
Easygoingness refers to one's ability to relax. Based on your score, you appear to “take things as they come” and enjoy having a good time. However, being high in easygoingness also has the potential to produce stress in a number of ways. For example, you may find it difficult to complete tasks thoroughly and efficiently. In this way, being high in easygoingness cannot only make your life difficult, but also the lives of the people around you. Another potential problem with being too high in easygoingness is that it can provide you with gratification in the short-term, but in the long-term provide undesirable consequences.
High easygoingness, even when not seriously destructive, may also diminish your effectiveness at work, for example. You may find it aversive and difficult to put in all the effort that may sometimes be needed to effectively accomplish certain tasks. For this reason, your colleagues might view you as forgetful and unfocused.
How does your personality affect your love life?
Given the strong degree of confidence that you have, it’s no surprise that you get along well with most people. Indeed, it’s self-confidence that allows people to feel comfortable interacting with others without feeling insecure and vulnerable. For this reason, you shouldn’t have much difficulty in romance, at least not initially. Your social skills will likely help relieve any anxiety your romantic partners might have on those first few dates. However, over time, the high standards that you have for yourself could potentially frustrate your partner.
Because you respect family values but appreciate a good night out on the town, you probably get along well with people that are different from you. For this reason, you would probably be quite content in a romantic relationship with someone who shares your same values on these issues. Being in a relationship with someone who enjoys going out to parties and staying-up late at night might be fun, at least initially; yet it’s likely that you will find this tiring over time. Thus, it might be easier and more satisfying for you to develop a long-lasting relationship with a person who enjoys both spending time at home and going out to eat.
As someone who is more relaxed than most people, you likely get along with most people quite well. Chances are that your friends and colleagues perceive you as lively, fun to be with, and good-humored. When it comes to romance, you’ll likely be attracted to most people. However, your free-spirited nature might make being in a relationship with a person that is more rigid than you difficult because you might perceive the person as being too uptight and controlling.
Your openness probably makes it easy for you to respect and appreciate people that are different from you. However, when it comes to romantic relationships, your openness might make it difficult for you to tolerate people that cannot appreciate diversity as much as you. Therefore, you may be happiest in serious relationships with people that share your open-mindedness. But, your openness might occasionally cause a certain degree of dependency on your end because you may be so open that you easily adopt the preferences and habits of your partners and gradually relinquish things that make you so unique.
Copyright 2001-2008 Plentyoffish Media INC
Sunday, January 27, 2008
A Cowboy Walks into a Drug Store...
----- Original Message -----
From: Beverly McGrath
Sent: Thursday, January 24, 2008 11:56 AM
Subject: FW: A Cowboy Walks into a Drug Store...
A Texas cowboy walked into a drug store and asked to talk to a male pharmacist. The elderly woman he was talking to said that she was the pharmacist and as she and her also widowed elderly sister owned the store, there were no males employed there. She then asked if she could help the gentleman.
The cowpoke said that it was something that he would be much more comfortable discussing with a male pharmacist. The female pharmacist assured him that she was completely professional and whatever it was that he needed to discuss, he could be confident that she would treat him with the highest level of professionalism.
The old bronco-buster agreed and began by saying, "This is tough for me to discuss, but I have a permanent erection. It causes me a lot of problems and severe embarrassment, and I was wondering what you could give me for it."
The pharmacist said, "Just a minute, I'll go talk to my sister. When she returned, she said, "We discussed it at length and the absolute best we can do is, 1/3 ownership in the store, a company car, and $3,000 a month plus living expenses.
Date: Sun, 24 Feb 2008 14:00:11 -0800
From: fabe_p@shaw.ca
Subject: Re: A Cowboy Walks into a Drug Store...
To: newfiebev@hotmail.com
How did you know that was my problem as well?
----- Original Message -----
From: Beverly McGrath
To: fabe
Sent: Thursday, January 24, 2008 2:29 PM
Subject: RE: A Cowboy Walks into a Drug Store...
Haha... well, I don't have a store but how about $5000 a month and living expenses????
Date: Sun, 24 Feb 2008 14:33:02 -0800
From: fabe_p@shaw.ca
Subject: Re: A Cowboy Walks into a Drug Store...
To: newfiebev@hotmail.com
Am I worth that much?
----- Original Message -----
From: Beverly McGrath
To: fabe
Sent: Thursday, January 24, 2008 2:37 PM
Subject: RE: A Cowboy Walks into a Drug Store...
Or am I just that desperate?? Okay, okay... I'll buy you a store, too!
Date: Sun, 24 Feb 2008 14:44:07 -0800
From: fabe_p@shaw.ca
Subject: Re: A Cowboy Walks into a Drug Store...
To: newfiebev@hotmail.com
Would you be into a 2 for one deal....or should we stop now.....lol
From: newfiebev@hotmail.com
To: fabe_p@shaw.ca
Subject: RE: A Cowboy Walks into a Drug Store...
Date: Thu, 24 Jan 2008 15:02:22 -0800
Ya, time to stop... you just lost me anyway!
TEXT MSG
From: Fabe
To: Bev
Just 2 let u know that last email was not a tease. Would b fun!
TEXT MSG
From: Bev
To: Fabe
Haha-the funny thing is that my last email wasn't a joke, either! One on one I would consider but the group thing is a huge turn on as a fantasy but not my scene as a reality. And, besides, you are practically a married man!
TEXT MSG
From: Fabe
To: Bev
I sug it bcause she wants 2 try it. A safe way 4 us all 2 try it.
TEXT MSG
From: Bev
To: Fabe
You, me and your girlfriend?? Not on your life, buster! Not in a million years! Not if it was the only time I could have sex for the rest of my life! Not for money, fame or eternal youth! So, I guess what I'm trying to say is... thanks, but no thanks!
TEXT MSG
From: Fabe
To: Bev
So what ur telling me is maybe! Kidding! The subtle no confused me. We can still do coffee right?
TEXT MSG
From: Bev
To: Fabe
Of course we can... anytime!
***Way to make me lose all hope of us ever being together, dude. Is he that fucked up??***
From: Beverly McGrath
Sent: Thursday, January 24, 2008 11:56 AM
Subject: FW: A Cowboy Walks into a Drug Store...
A Texas cowboy walked into a drug store and asked to talk to a male pharmacist. The elderly woman he was talking to said that she was the pharmacist and as she and her also widowed elderly sister owned the store, there were no males employed there. She then asked if she could help the gentleman.
The cowpoke said that it was something that he would be much more comfortable discussing with a male pharmacist. The female pharmacist assured him that she was completely professional and whatever it was that he needed to discuss, he could be confident that she would treat him with the highest level of professionalism.
The old bronco-buster agreed and began by saying, "This is tough for me to discuss, but I have a permanent erection. It causes me a lot of problems and severe embarrassment, and I was wondering what you could give me for it."
The pharmacist said, "Just a minute, I'll go talk to my sister. When she returned, she said, "We discussed it at length and the absolute best we can do is, 1/3 ownership in the store, a company car, and $3,000 a month plus living expenses.
Date: Sun, 24 Feb 2008 14:00:11 -0800
From: fabe_p@shaw.ca
Subject: Re: A Cowboy Walks into a Drug Store...
To: newfiebev@hotmail.com
How did you know that was my problem as well?
----- Original Message -----
From: Beverly McGrath
To: fabe
Sent: Thursday, January 24, 2008 2:29 PM
Subject: RE: A Cowboy Walks into a Drug Store...
Haha... well, I don't have a store but how about $5000 a month and living expenses????
Date: Sun, 24 Feb 2008 14:33:02 -0800
From: fabe_p@shaw.ca
Subject: Re: A Cowboy Walks into a Drug Store...
To: newfiebev@hotmail.com
Am I worth that much?
----- Original Message -----
From: Beverly McGrath
To: fabe
Sent: Thursday, January 24, 2008 2:37 PM
Subject: RE: A Cowboy Walks into a Drug Store...
Or am I just that desperate?? Okay, okay... I'll buy you a store, too!
Date: Sun, 24 Feb 2008 14:44:07 -0800
From: fabe_p@shaw.ca
Subject: Re: A Cowboy Walks into a Drug Store...
To: newfiebev@hotmail.com
Would you be into a 2 for one deal....or should we stop now.....lol
From: newfiebev@hotmail.com
To: fabe_p@shaw.ca
Subject: RE: A Cowboy Walks into a Drug Store...
Date: Thu, 24 Jan 2008 15:02:22 -0800
Ya, time to stop... you just lost me anyway!
TEXT MSG
From: Fabe
To: Bev
Just 2 let u know that last email was not a tease. Would b fun!
TEXT MSG
From: Bev
To: Fabe
Haha-the funny thing is that my last email wasn't a joke, either! One on one I would consider but the group thing is a huge turn on as a fantasy but not my scene as a reality. And, besides, you are practically a married man!
TEXT MSG
From: Fabe
To: Bev
I sug it bcause she wants 2 try it. A safe way 4 us all 2 try it.
TEXT MSG
From: Bev
To: Fabe
You, me and your girlfriend?? Not on your life, buster! Not in a million years! Not if it was the only time I could have sex for the rest of my life! Not for money, fame or eternal youth! So, I guess what I'm trying to say is... thanks, but no thanks!
TEXT MSG
From: Fabe
To: Bev
So what ur telling me is maybe! Kidding! The subtle no confused me. We can still do coffee right?
TEXT MSG
From: Bev
To: Fabe
Of course we can... anytime!
***Way to make me lose all hope of us ever being together, dude. Is he that fucked up??***
Wednesday, January 23, 2008
Nope, I hate him
I guess I always have to have someone to bitch about, don't I? Well, right now it's Joe... in record quantities! I think half the problem is that I've already decided to leave and I don't care anymore. I don't care what he says, I don't care what he does, I don't care if I come in late (not that I ever did!), I don't care if I fake sick, I don't care, I don't care, I want out! I remember going through this with Diane at the mall, too, though and I don't want it to end like that. I want to do a good job, I want to get caught up on all of this stuff that is piling up on my desk... how do I get him to stop fucking driving me nuts? Should I be like Jacquie and act like his adoring wife? Should I just go along with everything that he says and smile and be happy because it doesn't matter to me anymore? I just... whatever... I'm leaving, I should be kissing ass to get as much cash out of the guy that I can before I go. Kiss ass. Hmmm. Yeah. Don't know if I can do that. Even if it's to get what I want. Okay, I'll try. X3
Monday, January 21, 2008
Is Hate Too Strong A Word?
Omigod... Joe is driving up the fucking wall and back down again. He is now pretty much the only man in my life and I could break his fucking neck if I were that type of person. I'm not. Last week I was going to write this nice post about realizing that the reason he pisses me off so much is because he is usually asking about things that I don't have done. To a degree, that is true. I confess, I have not been the best employee for the last year or so (I'm bored out of my mind here!). But, mutherfuker, he is just irritating - about the work that I have done and the work that I don't. I told him this morning, too. I said "you are extremely difficult to work for". He changes the rules based on his moods. "Well, I was under the impression that it was already done this way." We put the salesmen's policies in writing and had each of them sign a copy and I am sofa king glad that I had that to back me up... you don't just change policy because you feel that you should be getting more money out of the company. Yes, so you put money in - that was your choice. You also get every damn personal expense that one could have paid by the company. You have no phone bill, no electricty, you receive rent for an office that we don't even use, you have your weekly house cleaning paid by the company, come the fuck on! Arrrrrggggggggggggggggggggggghh!
Thursday, January 17, 2008
Just go...
You know, I'm just going to start writing here without reading previous posts first. If I repeat something, well so be it! And that's the thing... so what? I think that's the biggest thing that I have learned through all of this. When I was a kid all I heard (with my kid ears, obviously... I get it now but I didn't then), all I heard from Mom was that I was too fat and all I heard from Dad was that I was too slow, too clutzy, too in the way... basically, what I heard was that I was not good enough. And I believed it. It didn't make much of a difference first. I mean, I remember believing it but I think I questioned it back then. At some point, though, I stopped questioning it. It just was. I believed it and I found confirmation everywhere (because I constantly looked for confirmation). *the funny thing is that I just realized that I only believed the confirmation of the bad stuff, not the good stuff*
What I wish I knew back then was that I could say "so??". So what if I'm too fat? Does that make me less of a person? NO! I thought that it did. NO! So what if I'm slow, if I'm a clutz, if I do everything wrong? So what? They made me so paranoid about everything that I did so I never did anything right. How could I? When I wanted to quit piano and skating and swimming and skiing and everything else, why did no one tell me that it was okay to not be the best? It is okay to just do things because you love doing them. How many things did I cheat myself of? So many, so many. And, if I could have said "so?", then maybe I wouldn't have been fat, maybe I wouldn't have quit all of those things, maybe it was okay to try and fail. Because then you just try again. And again. And again if you need to. You get better. Maybe sometimes you don't get better and you suck and you end up playing Jingle Bells for the rest of your life. And you enjoy it because you loved playing it.
Omigod, I'm getting better. I can't believe that I figured it out! I can't tell you how hard I am crying right now. I FIGURED IT OUT!!!! Don't you understand what that means? I remember being about 9 and not playing Red Rover with my friends because I didn't think I was good enough. It started back then, before that. Everything that I did I had to do right or I did not do them. And I didn't do SO MANY THINGS! Oh, so many.
But I'm doing them now. I'm doing them and I am falling down all over the place and I am having so much fun! God, I cannot believe how happy I am to have figured all of this out. It will take time, a life-time, but I will do better. Or maybe I will just fall down... because that's okay.
What I wish I knew back then was that I could say "so??". So what if I'm too fat? Does that make me less of a person? NO! I thought that it did. NO! So what if I'm slow, if I'm a clutz, if I do everything wrong? So what? They made me so paranoid about everything that I did so I never did anything right. How could I? When I wanted to quit piano and skating and swimming and skiing and everything else, why did no one tell me that it was okay to not be the best? It is okay to just do things because you love doing them. How many things did I cheat myself of? So many, so many. And, if I could have said "so?", then maybe I wouldn't have been fat, maybe I wouldn't have quit all of those things, maybe it was okay to try and fail. Because then you just try again. And again. And again if you need to. You get better. Maybe sometimes you don't get better and you suck and you end up playing Jingle Bells for the rest of your life. And you enjoy it because you loved playing it.
Omigod, I'm getting better. I can't believe that I figured it out! I can't tell you how hard I am crying right now. I FIGURED IT OUT!!!! Don't you understand what that means? I remember being about 9 and not playing Red Rover with my friends because I didn't think I was good enough. It started back then, before that. Everything that I did I had to do right or I did not do them. And I didn't do SO MANY THINGS! Oh, so many.
But I'm doing them now. I'm doing them and I am falling down all over the place and I am having so much fun! God, I cannot believe how happy I am to have figured all of this out. It will take time, a life-time, but I will do better. Or maybe I will just fall down... because that's okay.
Wednesday, January 9, 2008
Guess I got my answer...
Fucker is already on the dating site again. I just sent him this email:
3rd life... I love it... way to break up with a girl... you are quite a stand-up kinda guy... and I let this happen twice... sweet! When can I come get my stuff?
3rd life... I love it... way to break up with a girl... you are quite a stand-up kinda guy... and I let this happen twice... sweet! When can I come get my stuff?
Nothin'
Still no word from Mr. McCulloch. I honestly don't know how I feel about it... I guess I am sitting on the fence. One good thing is that I am not obsessing or going crazy about it, forcing an end like I usually do... I'm just waiting to see how it plays out. I don't know what I want... how could I have been so totally in love with him a month ago and now feel nothing? Am I just forcing my feelings down or is this how I really feel (sober)? I have been somewhat weepy the past day or two - is that p.m.s. or am I not reading my feelings right? I don't know... it's all new... how am I supposed to tell if I like the stinkin' guy or not? I always keep these things so buried... how do you let them out enough to understand them but not so much that you become a basket case? Am I 12?
There are good things about being alone... I have a lot of studying to do - just signed up for two courses at Kwantlen, just got my new piano so I need to learn to play that, got tons of work to do (that I have absolutely no interest in!), I should be exercising, I should be spending more time with my friends to keep the lonliness at bay. Bad things about being alone... I miss Daisy (maybe I should get a dog??), do I miss Ian? I don't know. I really don't. Do I? To a degree I guess. I keep focusing on things that I don't like about him so I haven't spent much time considering the things that I do like. If I'm questioning it this much, doesn't that mean that I don't like him enough? Ah, if only it were that easy.
There are good things about being alone... I have a lot of studying to do - just signed up for two courses at Kwantlen, just got my new piano so I need to learn to play that, got tons of work to do (that I have absolutely no interest in!), I should be exercising, I should be spending more time with my friends to keep the lonliness at bay. Bad things about being alone... I miss Daisy (maybe I should get a dog??), do I miss Ian? I don't know. I really don't. Do I? To a degree I guess. I keep focusing on things that I don't like about him so I haven't spent much time considering the things that I do like. If I'm questioning it this much, doesn't that mean that I don't like him enough? Ah, if only it were that easy.
Monday, January 7, 2008
Oh, it smarts!
We went cross-country skiing on Saturday... soooo much fun. I think it probably ended my relationship with Ian but it will be sadly worth it! He's been getting on my nerves again, anyway. Last time I blamed all of our problems on me and my behavior and it think it was very beneficial to revisit the whole situation to see it from a different angle but, I was right... he is a child. Of course, there is a part of me questioning everything still... it's an ongoing battle, this getting my shit figured out stuff... am I looking for things wrong so that I can ease the hurt if he doesn't want to see me anymore? That's a very good question and I'm sure that it could be viewed that way, however, things have not exactly been amazing between us for a bit. Old habits creap back in, I guess. He changed. I might have changed but he changed, too. And I'm okay with that. If it's over, I will live with it; if it's not over, it probably will be soon and I will live with it.
I have changed soo much inside my head over the past couple of months it's amazing. The ever-lasting internal struggle is gone, I am finally free.
I have changed soo much inside my head over the past couple of months it's amazing. The ever-lasting internal struggle is gone, I am finally free.
Monday, December 3, 2007
I QUIT!
I quit junk food today! Just like smoking, I quit. Yesterday it dawned on me that there is absolutely no logical reason/benefit at any time to me eating chips and chocolate and junky fast food... other than the fact that I like it. But I liked smoking, too, and I quit because it was only causing harm instead of good - same with the junk food that I eat! So I just decided that it was time (way past time) to quit.
Now there are small stipulations, of course... I can have a small piece of cake/desert when celebrating birthdays and other occasions... but only one and only when there is people around (otherwise I might bake a cake to celebrate every pound that I lose!). And I can have fast food but only if I make a healthy choice... everyone has salads and sandwiches on their menu now so there is no excuse for having the crap. But there is NEVER a valid reason to have a single chip or a chocolate bar or a Big Mac.
And I feel awesome about this! There will be a withdrawal period, just like there was with smoking, but I will fight the cravings and they will eventually go away, just like they did with smoking, and I will be healthier... and hotter!!
Go me!! Oh, Stacey quit, too. Go Stacey!!
Now there are small stipulations, of course... I can have a small piece of cake/desert when celebrating birthdays and other occasions... but only one and only when there is people around (otherwise I might bake a cake to celebrate every pound that I lose!). And I can have fast food but only if I make a healthy choice... everyone has salads and sandwiches on their menu now so there is no excuse for having the crap. But there is NEVER a valid reason to have a single chip or a chocolate bar or a Big Mac.
And I feel awesome about this! There will be a withdrawal period, just like there was with smoking, but I will fight the cravings and they will eventually go away, just like they did with smoking, and I will be healthier... and hotter!!
Go me!! Oh, Stacey quit, too. Go Stacey!!
Thursday, November 29, 2007
About Last Night...
Hey - maybe all of my headings should be movie titles! Wouldn't that be awesome?? I wonder if anyone in the world actually reads this drivel! Muther fucker... I might just beat the shit out of Joe some day... but that's another story (good thing the sunofabitch pays me so much!)
Anywho... last night was rough. Not only did I have a mini break-down on the way home from work - yep, just started cryin'... no reason... just cryin' - but I also had a mini paranoia nobody loves me boofuckinhoo kind of night. I need to talk to Ian. I know logically when he doesn't cuddle or whatever that it doesn't mean that he doesn't love me but, now more than ever, I am struggling with the emotional side, too. It was always there but I buried it deep. I need that confirmation, a squeeze, a tap. I am trying to not only think of myself but this is where that tendancy to run comes from.
What did my mother do to me??????
Anywho... last night was rough. Not only did I have a mini break-down on the way home from work - yep, just started cryin'... no reason... just cryin' - but I also had a mini paranoia nobody loves me boofuckinhoo kind of night. I need to talk to Ian. I know logically when he doesn't cuddle or whatever that it doesn't mean that he doesn't love me but, now more than ever, I am struggling with the emotional side, too. It was always there but I buried it deep. I need that confirmation, a squeeze, a tap. I am trying to not only think of myself but this is where that tendancy to run comes from.
What did my mother do to me??????
Monday, November 26, 2007
Just not that interested...
Hi me. It's Monday. Blech. I am so not interested in doing any work today. I'm here, my eyes are open, I'm answering questions, I'm looking like I am being somewhat useful but it's all a big ploy. I had a nap on my new RED couch at lunchtime. Came back to work after more than an hour. Did I mention that I came to work almost 2 hours late? I got into my bed after I struggled with the alarm at Ian's for about 45 minutes... just lie in bed for a minute... just a zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz. Then I had a little pressure wash, which is always welcome and didn't take too long but definately not the day for it. It's dark, it's dreary, I'm bored and not in the least big ambitious. Blech.
Friday, November 23, 2007
I'm a loser!
After all of that wonderful stuff about my strength and being okay that Ian didn't want to see me the other night, I got myself so worked up yesterday afternoon it's not funny. Through the jigs and the reels, I made my way over to his house. Eventually, when I got up the nerve, I asked him if anything had changed for him. He, of course, had no idea what I was talking about because I had worked the whole thing up in my mind but I told him that I had been getting a weird vibe and this is the point that I usually lose it and run but I want to learn how to handle it differently so I asked him about it instead. What a concept! So much better. Seriously, normally that would be enough for me to want to call it quits.
Oh, and everything has been so wonderful since. So cuddly and warm and sweet and fun. Here's where I run the risk of expecting too much.
Eventually I will get a handle on this... I'm trying and I think that says a lot. Hell, I even told him that I was on the fence about kids. Me's growin up!
Oh, and everything has been so wonderful since. So cuddly and warm and sweet and fun. Here's where I run the risk of expecting too much.
Eventually I will get a handle on this... I'm trying and I think that says a lot. Hell, I even told him that I was on the fence about kids. Me's growin up!
Thursday, November 22, 2007
Something is working...
Here's a new development... he didn't want to see me yesterday. He didn't email all day and I was going into avoidance mode (because I didn't really feel like going over there, either... but that's not important right now... lol) but then I remembered that I had made a comment the day before about him cooking me supper so I called... at the very least to tell him that I didn't want to come over (but that's not important right now!). He was very quiet and withdrawn on the phone... he said that he wasn't feeling well. I said no worries, go chill out... then he told me a bit about his day and we hung up.
Okay, so my instant reaction was that he doesn't want to be with me... he was at the concert the night before and something happened and he is moving on... blah, blah, blah. And, while that might be so because I really have no idea what is happening with him, the difference was that when I started my "that's okay, who needs him, I don't care, better off on my own" speil I stopped myself.
Here is how it usually works... and I learned this oddly due to my birthday cake. Stacey was coming over on Thursday to leave for Seattle the next day, my birthday was Sunday. My favorite cake is bon bon cake and I really wanted it but earlier in the day I was thinking that it wasn't going to happen this year... so I sat there and thought of all of the reasons why we shouldn't have bon bon cake... three days to go until my b-day, won't be able to eat it all, it will go to waste, etc. And what happened was, when Stacey showed up with the cake, instead of saying wow, thank you, that's awesome, I rhymed off all of the reasons why we shouldn't have the cake. I stopped as I was doing it and recognized what was going on... I used to that all the time with guys. Don't hear from them, think up all of the things that they might be doing or feeling and, by the time I see them again, I am already soured from all of the things that I have been convincing myself of all night... and, of course my I don't need anyone anyway attitude would just be a sparkeling when they finally did call.
As I was saying, last night I stopped myself... I challenged myself. I do care what he is feeling, I do want to be in a relationship with him, I need to give him the benefit of the doubt and believe what he says until he is ready to do otherwise. Yes, I can survive without him but, at this very moment, I don't want to. And I think the thing that really got through to me was - he gets to have doubt, too... he gets to have days that he doesn't want to see me, he gets to have time on his own; after all that we have been through, who can blame him for going slow. And I want slow. This is slow. Let's just wait and see what happens.
And I took out a puzzle that I wanted to start and I put on some music and I had a lovely evening with just me.
Okay, so my instant reaction was that he doesn't want to be with me... he was at the concert the night before and something happened and he is moving on... blah, blah, blah. And, while that might be so because I really have no idea what is happening with him, the difference was that when I started my "that's okay, who needs him, I don't care, better off on my own" speil I stopped myself.
Here is how it usually works... and I learned this oddly due to my birthday cake. Stacey was coming over on Thursday to leave for Seattle the next day, my birthday was Sunday. My favorite cake is bon bon cake and I really wanted it but earlier in the day I was thinking that it wasn't going to happen this year... so I sat there and thought of all of the reasons why we shouldn't have bon bon cake... three days to go until my b-day, won't be able to eat it all, it will go to waste, etc. And what happened was, when Stacey showed up with the cake, instead of saying wow, thank you, that's awesome, I rhymed off all of the reasons why we shouldn't have the cake. I stopped as I was doing it and recognized what was going on... I used to that all the time with guys. Don't hear from them, think up all of the things that they might be doing or feeling and, by the time I see them again, I am already soured from all of the things that I have been convincing myself of all night... and, of course my I don't need anyone anyway attitude would just be a sparkeling when they finally did call.
As I was saying, last night I stopped myself... I challenged myself. I do care what he is feeling, I do want to be in a relationship with him, I need to give him the benefit of the doubt and believe what he says until he is ready to do otherwise. Yes, I can survive without him but, at this very moment, I don't want to. And I think the thing that really got through to me was - he gets to have doubt, too... he gets to have days that he doesn't want to see me, he gets to have time on his own; after all that we have been through, who can blame him for going slow. And I want slow. This is slow. Let's just wait and see what happens.
And I took out a puzzle that I wanted to start and I put on some music and I had a lovely evening with just me.
Wednesday, November 21, 2007
Men are from Mars...
Women are from Venus. Holy fuck, this book just called me and said "Bev, this is why."
"Setting limits and receiving are very scary for a woman. She is commonly afraid of needing too much and then being rejected, judged or abandoned. Rejection, judgment and abandonment are most painful because deep inside her unconscious she holds the incorrect belief that she is unworthy of receiving more. This belief was formed and reinforced in childhood every time she had to suppress her feelings, needs or wishes.
A woman is particularly vulnerable to the negative and incorrect belief that she doesn't deserve to be loved. If as a child she witnessed abuse or was directly abused, then she is even more vulnerable to feeling unworthy of love; it is harder for her to determine her worth. Hidden in the unconscious, this feeling of unworthiness generates a fear of needing others. A part of her imagines that she will not be supported.
Because she is afraid of not being supported, she unknowingly pushes away the support she needs. When a man receives the message that she doesn't trust him to fulfill her needs, then he feels immediately rejected and is turned off. Her hopelessness and mistrust transform her valid needs into desperate expressions of neediness and communicate to him the message that she doesn't trust him to support her. Ironically, men are primarily motivated by being needed, but are turned off by neediness.
At such times, a woman mistakenly assumes that having needs has turned him off when in truth it is her hopelessness, desperation and mistrust that has done so. Without recognizing that men need to be trusted, it is difficult and confusing for women to understand the difference between needing and neediness.
"Needing" is openly reaching out and asking for support from a man in a trusting manner, one that assumes that he will do his best. This empowers him. "Neediness," however, is desperately needing support because you don't trust you will get it. It pushes men away and makes them feel rejected and unappreciated.
For women, not only is needing others confusing but being disappointed or abandoned is especially painful, even in the smallest ways. It is not easy for her to depend on others and then be ignored, forgotten or dismissed. Needing others puts her in a vulnerable position. Being ignored or disappointed hurts more because it affirms the incorrect belief that she is unworthy.
For centuries the Venusians compensated for this fundamental fear of unworthiness by being attentive and responsive to the needs of others. They would give and give, but deep inside they did not feel worthy of receiving. They hoped that by giving they would become more worthy. After centuries of giving they finally realized that they were worthy of receiving love and support. Then they looked back and realized that they had always been worthy of support."
"Setting limits and receiving are very scary for a woman. She is commonly afraid of needing too much and then being rejected, judged or abandoned. Rejection, judgment and abandonment are most painful because deep inside her unconscious she holds the incorrect belief that she is unworthy of receiving more. This belief was formed and reinforced in childhood every time she had to suppress her feelings, needs or wishes.
A woman is particularly vulnerable to the negative and incorrect belief that she doesn't deserve to be loved. If as a child she witnessed abuse or was directly abused, then she is even more vulnerable to feeling unworthy of love; it is harder for her to determine her worth. Hidden in the unconscious, this feeling of unworthiness generates a fear of needing others. A part of her imagines that she will not be supported.
Because she is afraid of not being supported, she unknowingly pushes away the support she needs. When a man receives the message that she doesn't trust him to fulfill her needs, then he feels immediately rejected and is turned off. Her hopelessness and mistrust transform her valid needs into desperate expressions of neediness and communicate to him the message that she doesn't trust him to support her. Ironically, men are primarily motivated by being needed, but are turned off by neediness.
At such times, a woman mistakenly assumes that having needs has turned him off when in truth it is her hopelessness, desperation and mistrust that has done so. Without recognizing that men need to be trusted, it is difficult and confusing for women to understand the difference between needing and neediness.
"Needing" is openly reaching out and asking for support from a man in a trusting manner, one that assumes that he will do his best. This empowers him. "Neediness," however, is desperately needing support because you don't trust you will get it. It pushes men away and makes them feel rejected and unappreciated.
For women, not only is needing others confusing but being disappointed or abandoned is especially painful, even in the smallest ways. It is not easy for her to depend on others and then be ignored, forgotten or dismissed. Needing others puts her in a vulnerable position. Being ignored or disappointed hurts more because it affirms the incorrect belief that she is unworthy.
For centuries the Venusians compensated for this fundamental fear of unworthiness by being attentive and responsive to the needs of others. They would give and give, but deep inside they did not feel worthy of receiving. They hoped that by giving they would become more worthy. After centuries of giving they finally realized that they were worthy of receiving love and support. Then they looked back and realized that they had always been worthy of support."
Morning Sickness
This is getting to be a daily situation... every morning I am freaking out about Ian and the whole relationship thing - trying to stop myself from running away screaming, making a serious attempt to convince myself that it's not going to work out and why should I bother and why am I here even going through this, he doesn't want me, I am just someone. By the evening everything is usually okay, I am smiling and confident that this is right... oh, but in the morning...
Monday, November 19, 2007
Freaking Out... but what else is new?
Okay... we had a good weekend. I went home last night to do some laundry. Before I was leaving I said I love you. Later he sent an email to say goodnight. I replied with "Do you know how much I love you? It's crazy... but I like it" or something like that. Fuck. Too much, too much! Why why why? Why do I do these things? This morning I'm trying to figure out how to take it back. Not take it back because I don't mean it but take it back because he hasn't responded. I know it's too much, too soon. I'm ready to bawl my face off right now. This is me. Please let me control myself... this is where I start freaking out and causing problems. And it's period week and that just makes it all so much fucking better!!!
I know, I should act cool... no big deal... let it slide. But this is the crisis point. Although, I guess this whole learning thing is to figure out how to deal with it differently. What I really want to do is be an asshole, cold and distant... run, run, run! Maybe instead I will try to just be normal. Hahahaha! Normal. Ya, that's gonna happen.
I know, I should act cool... no big deal... let it slide. But this is the crisis point. Although, I guess this whole learning thing is to figure out how to deal with it differently. What I really want to do is be an asshole, cold and distant... run, run, run! Maybe instead I will try to just be normal. Hahahaha! Normal. Ya, that's gonna happen.
Friday, November 16, 2007
Last Night We Spoke
And then he undressed me and made me go out to the shed in the rain! Scum bag! So funny... so weird and crazy. We talked a bit... I rambled a bit. He said he's not seeing anyone else, that he doesn't like anyone else, that he likes me, that he wants to be with me. We are still in the "we'll see stage"... I told him that I don't know anything for sure yet but I would like to try, I think that we need to try. And without all of those jealousy's it should be a little easier for me to let go a bit more. He said he still talks to some of them... he started telling the whos and whats but I promptly told him that I didn't want to know... as long as he is not actively looking to date someone else I think I will be okay. I have to trust at some point and, if I'm going to trust anyone, it's him. And then I woke up with him this morning and thought... maybe this is not what I want. Hahaha... never ending saga...
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)