With all of this toe tapping and heart racing inablity to concentrate, I am looking for something to take my mind off the goings on in my life. I just want to have the answer absolute and never look back... no matter what the answer is. I spent hours with Stacey last night looking over condo listings... there's a lot of nice places out there. No word back from the mortgage people yet.
But more importantly... Ian was acting as if he was a normal person this morning and made me all confused again. Ma faka! Would things be better if he stayed sober? Would it make a difference? I don't think that he would irritate me as much. (I'm trying to remember what it was like back then... I can't believe it's only a year ago and I barely have a recollection of it now. Pot. Pot. Pot.) But is that enough?
Let's look at this logically and see if it helps at all! What do I not like? What do I like? But I don't really believe in making a list and seeing which side is bigger. The leave list might be way longer than the stay list but what if the stay list has the priorities and the other is superficial? Or the other way around, obviously. All I know at this moment is that when I was at home with him this morning I felt drawn to him and wondered if I was making a hasty decision. But as soon as I was away from him, I wondered if the hasty part was this morning and the other was better. I am always the one leaving... I wish someone would leave me for a change. That's a pretty sad statement, though.
Okay, what do I like about living alone? I like the freedom. I like being able to do whatever I want, whenever I want and not worry about anyone else's feelings. Was I lonely when I lived alone? Sure, sometimes but not for the most part, I don't think. What else? It's the control... it all comes back to being in control... doing what I want and not having to worry about someone else. That's so shallow! But I don't want guilt. I don't want to feel bad for doing the things that I want to do. I want it like that Patricia chick said... two people with their own separate lives coming together. Can I live with someone and have that? Can I ever get that from Ian? And I also have been thinking about Paul for a bit... he was a nice person, too. (why do nice guys like a bitch like me??) Nice guys are just irritating. Fuck. Fight for yourself already. Say what you want to say, be what you want to be... I don't want to wipe my feet on you... I just want to be.
It's the pressure, it's getting talked into something that I'm not comfortable with... like the way I left the shopping centre or the way that I... I don't know... it's the going along with something... okay... okay... then - NO. I don't want to share everything. I don't want to be everything to anyone and I don't anyone to be that for me, either. I just don't. I don't know why. Maybe it's fear of giving someone ammunition... no, back to that again... it's loss of control. I want that control. I need the control. Wow, my concept of what I want has changed a lot! I used to think that a man could change my world, make everything good and happy. I guess it was the realization that that could never happen.
So, why do I need the control? What will happen if I don't have control? Blah, blah, shrink bullshit! I just don't want to have anyone tell me what to do, I don't want anyone to say that I "should" do this or that. Yes, please, offer your advice. But let me decide if I want to take it or not. Why can't that be okay? Maybe it's just not okay with Ian and it would be with someone else. Maybe I can't find that with anyone... does that mean that I should stay? Because otherwise I will be alone? Not me, baby. Not me. But is that a big enough/valid enough reason to leave?
