I am sitting here, struggling with being nice... I am struggling, fighting, pushing, pulling myself and I'm sitting here almost trying to remember which way is the right way.
So, I'll update you first... perhaps even a quick recap, just for fun!
The first time Rob emailed me was September 3rd-ish... that was a Wednesday. We chatted back and forth once or twice a day until Saturday morning and then I went to the beer festival on the island. I kept thinking about him and finally sent him a 'whut up' email on Wednesday-ish. So we chatted back and forth again until he said we should get together sometime. I replied like-when-ish and went on to comment that Stacey was here for the day. He totally backed off and did a I-didn't-mean-today-anyway stammer. (how did I not recognize those in guys before?) I said how about at practise, he said Monday or Wednesday, I said Wednesday and holy crap. So we met that Wednesday... I was there for about ninety minutes, we chatted, I freaked out but kept on smiling. Then I think I convinced myself that he wouldn't like me anyway because he's far too cute for a fat girl like me. ("no you can't join ballet... none of the boys would be able to lift you"... why did she say such terrible things?) And practise was over so we played around in the playground and I had so much fun. I'm even lol-ing as I remember... nice memory. I left the park, called Stacey on the way home - didn't even wait until I got home and could think about it for a while I was so certain - and told her unfortunately, no.
And then he emailed that night. What the heck? (my short recaps can go on for days, huh?) "Did I pass the chemistry test" he said. MELT! Too well... I asked him if he had cheat notes. So bold am I sometimes. He emailed the next day and we went back and forth a couple of times and I told him to just call me. He said he would call the next night. And he did. I felt comfortable at first and then I just... I think I was stoned so I probably just stopped paying attention. (shit, gonna have to edit that out when they turn this into a movie!) I didn't have a lot of positive feelings about that call, really... it felt strained but I don't really know why... insecurity or intuition? (only time will tell!) But then he called the next day or day after that and invited me to the aquarium the following day. I still wonder if this was too forward and overbearing... I took charge and made the plans and then I totally chickened out and said oh, shit, I think that was too forward and overbearing and the next day I was nice and present but I barely spoke to Rob. He was sweet when I broke his glove box. Um, embarrassed much? Then he paid me back for the parking but wanted me to pay my own way into the aquarium. I'm not saying anything about that because I do remember liking that at the time... I just want to record it, perhaps for future reference or whatever. He wasn't overly friendly that day... nice enough I guess... I don't know why I would say that he wasn't overly friendly, actually... he reacted when I put my hand out to help him with something a couple of times. I don't know if it was because he's just not used to the help or if he didn't like it. Hmm. Why wouldn't he like it? He jumped a little when I touched him the first time. Ugh, my heart beats a little faster when I think of being near him. How weird is that? I haven't even held his hand yet and he makes me giddy. I swear I felt, like, a current or something between us at the aquarium. Ha... that was when I backed off. He started to come closer to me and I backed off. Holy Cameron Abbot, dude. Weird. No, too hot for Cameron Abbot but same reaction. And then I stayed back. The rest of the day. Or did he pull back and start acting different? Perhaps I sensed a back peddle from him. I spent a lot of time in that car thinking that he was really quiet so that's probably why he wasn't saying much. Nathan fell asleep and we pretty much didn't speak the whole way home. I was enjoying the comfortable silence but when I looked at it from his perspective I realized that I... oops, getting a step ahead.
I don't like this part. I'm such a freak. So I send him this gushing email about how good of a father he is, no reply, no call, no nuthin'. Ugh, this is embarrassing. Then I sent him an email joke, he replied with one line, I replied with one line. And like two days later I sent a "well, your silence speaks volumes" email. That's not actually what I said to Rob but as I'm thinking about this, what I said to Fabian came into my head. Same shit, different day. But he didn't laugh at me or make me feel stupid like Fabian did... although I do remember really liking it when Fabian did it. More comfortable, perhaps? He emailed back and said your a nice person (but we'll forgive him this blunder... even my mother does it... even Sheena does it... Chelanna will never ever do it) and deserve to find a good guy, good with kids, nice stuff. Why does he keep doing that? Ian. Oh shit. You look better than your pics, I told Rob. Oh and he does but I didn't want him to know that and then put up better pics that would show how hot he is and then all the girls would want him!! Hahaha... how devious! But I had taken the romantic stuff off the table. My god, I want to rip this man's clothes off. I kid you not.
Then I sent him this email in which I poured out my heart. That was real and true. That was when I realized what I do. However, as I said to Stacey, recognizing it does not make it go away. I asked him out, he said yes (and thanks for being so open with me... sigh) and I said when and nothing. I called I think three days later, no answer, left message, no call back. I will point out, however, that I wimped out again a bit and just said it's Bev calling to say hi. That's all. I cowered. And nothing. Then I updated my profile, he sent me a note and said he liked my new pics and what was the popcorn in the picture, I replied that it was my pic and that was my super comfy couch and how was the game today and he told me about the game and asked if I found a great new job yet and said to call him if I wanted. I think I already said this stuff but I said Stacey was coming over and I would call tomorrow which is tonight and I called tonight and there was no answer and I left a message so much better than the one last week and said it's Bev, time and day, call me back if you want, bye bye. He sent a note two hours later saying that he was at the movie and just got home and was very tired so he would call tomorrow. I wrote an email saying no worries, get some rest, him falling asleep would hurt my ego or some such drivel, talk to you tomorrow. And this is where I talked myself down out of the tree and hit send.
First of all, to even convince myself to call him I started telling myself that we are worrying about right now. One phone call. That's it. No decisions have been made any further than that. When I still stalled about calling, I reminded myself that I jumped off a fricken' bridge 250ft down with a little bit of rope wrapped around my feet... I think I can manage phone call. Yes, I want him soooooooo badly but that's just going to have to wait a minute. Oh, but it's going so well! Stacey is going crazy - ask him out, when is he going to ask you out, why didn't he ask you out, did he call, you call him. Sheesh! We are night and day with this stuff. I say slow, slow... the only way this is going to work for me is slow. I need to believe that he wants me before I fall for him or I will never believe it. Actually, I don't know if that's true anymore but I'm not taking a chance. And tomorrow I will talk to him, I will have a conversation with him, I will ask him questions and I will answer his confidently and with respect and consideration of the fact that we are getting to know each other and he deserves to know who I really am, too.
So this email was driving me insane - was it too nice, too much, too forward, too kiss ass, too wrong - was it okay? How could that be? Are people that nice to each other, really? And won't that make him head for the hills? Don't men run at the first sign of... oh, I see the difference... it's the difference between being needing and needy. Yes, mars and venus. So, to make a long story short (tee hee!), I decided to be nice and I hit send. I decided that the Bev that I want to be wants to be this nice and if Rob doesn't want someone who will be this nice then I will find someone who does. I pulled away from Lyle... I watched and listened and interpreted and I decided that he wasn't for me. Yes, on paper... just what I was looking for. In reality, ah-no. And when that jeepdave guy gave me just a little grief I stepped back to allow him to do better or to allow me to save a lot of time... and he saved me a lot of time. And now Rob is somewhat in the picture again. I really like Rob, I do. I don't care what my mother says, I like him and I am going to do it openly and fully. I can only control my own behaviour and no one else's. If I am me and he doesn't want me, I am totally okay with that. Yes, it will hurt, don't be silly but I hurt with Ian, too... I felt it and I went through it and look at me now, kid. But what if I am me and he does want me. Do you understand how big that is? Have I told you before about crying at these romance movies as I thought "I will never have that" and believe it with every fibre of my being. And I accepted it. I didn't scream, yes, I will have it... I said no, that's not who I am. I argued with Ian once "I'm not the kind of person that people want to be around" and I meant it. How silly.
