"I got my new eyes today!"

That's what I just put on my twitter. Then I LOL'ed a bit... ha... lol. Something inside me switched. I think it's time. I think I'm okay now. I think I'm even ready to change the password on this blahg. That life (this life today and for the last time) is not for me anymore. Any. More.

I wrote a story last night. Started. Can you believe that? And the days that I wasn't high were so much more fun than the days when I was. It's almost like... almost like the end of my fucking around days. And the end of my smoking days. The end of my Newfoundland days. The end of my Wabush days. Mother fucker. It's the same thing, new generation. I'M PEPSI!

Now I'm going to go read my old blahg one more time and burn it. Metaphorically speaking, of course. (Because, as much as everyone was right when they said I would regret it if I burned my old books, as much as they were right, it was a ceremonial thing almost, graduating to the next stage of life, as I am doing right now with you, including too many commas.)

I think I know now. Everything has fallen together on a larger scale, now it's time for the details... as much as I hate the details. Time for a commitment, as much as I've always hated commitment. It's time to settle down. To be part of a family. Someday! Slow the fuck down, woman! (haha... ya... only I, at the tender age of 38, would take that as fast. haha... let the games begin.) *insert smiley face here.

I think I found a new wall... sort of...

Or maybe I just figured out my brother's wall. I'm always trying to figure out my brother's wall. Everyone thinks that I am fed up with him but I'm kind of testing him.

* Fucking healthy food is even starting to ruin my mediocre stuff. I've already started getting disgusted at the thought of take out... McDonald's is over. But my crackers taste like shit, probably stale... the old me would notice and wouldn't care. *

** See the way my mind works? This is the thought process. I had to go all the way through that to realize that my crackers are stale. Sigh. More on that later, perhaps. **

Brother's wall, testing, right. Of course I'm testing him but perhaps in different ways than I am conscious of. I say that I'm trying to see how long it will be before he actually visits. I can't believe it's been almost a whole year since I saw him. Since that night of the xtreme fighting... and it came home from the bar with us... the shouting part anyway.

Let me put it this way. My brother? Is an ass. Dick to the largest degree. It's sad really because he is such a cool guy. Such a cool guy. You would not believe the following he had in high school. The following. People just sparkled when he would talk to them. He just had this way of drawing people in. Oh, he was good looking. Lots of people are good looking. The stupid girls would try to be friends with me so they could come to my house to be near my brother. Drove me crazy! But it was more than looks. It was charisma. It was confidence. It was strength of character. At least that's who I saw when I looked at him.

I feel that I really need to add a little background information. It bothers me to even bring this up because he is my brother as much as anyone ever could be. He was adopted. Our father was adopted, too, so we knew that a child could be brought in to a family and become a legitimate part of them. (the fact that our father wasn't fully aware of that was really sad, though)

As children the fact that Tom was adopted had no bearing on our lives, other than the way he convinced me - and I'm certain he believed this to a large degree - that he was better because Mom and Dad picked him but with the rest of us they had to just take what they got. He told me that Mom and Dad walked down this long hall full of cribs with the cutest babies in it and they picked him because he was the cutest of the cutest. It sounded plausible to me. And the girls at school all thought he was the cutest of the cutest. Even the women kind of flustered when he looked into their eyes. He owned the world. And he was my brother.

But there was always this asshole underneath the surface. He'd come out every now and then. I thought it was just irritating brother stuff. We had a few fights. He had fights with our older sister when she lived at home, too... it seemed only natural. I'd be going about my day and suddenly I would say something that set him off and he would go ape shit on my ass. Absolutely. Ape. Shit. (When reminiscing, we often talk about that time. The fights "we" had. Honestly? I was fucking shit baked of the guy... I was just trying to protect myself. No, that's bullshit for the most part, I absolutely did my share of the screaming and hitting. But I was afraid of him, don't doubt it for a minute.)

Like I said, I thought it was just brother stuff until I started hanging around with his girlfriend. Perhaps that was a large problem in their relationship? I was a witness from the olden days. He still lost it with me, reasonably often. But he lost it with her, too. There was no hitting - sorry if I misled you. It wasn't like that, he would just lose his temper about something as stupid as the weather and start banging cupboard doors and stuff. (I think that's what was scary. He just lost control. That's very unnerving to be around.)

So, back to the wall.

Did someone say complicated?

Okay, I guess that was a load of crap then. The no more highs. I think they still lurk.

So, I quit my job. Yes, I did. It was actually kind of interesting to read my last post because I totally forgot about what it said. I was right to a degree about the no more absolute yeses or nos - but I still have to feel right with it to make a firm decision. This one was hard because there are no absolutes, because I both love and hate my job (it felt like breaking up with Ian again!) but, when I stopped to think about it, I understood that I at least have to know what it's like somewhere else. And when I asked myself if I had done everything in my power to fix what was wrong and to find a way to stay and answered no, I had not... and I felt perfectly okay with that.

It's time to jump again. Obviously my instincts are telling me something - the anarchy... can't take the absolute constant anarchy of the place! - and I follow those instincts now, right? Actually, the thing that made up my mind for me was when I realized that I lost that happiness and questioned whether it was even real. It has to be. I will not live my life complaining all the time, being pissed off and exhausted, avoiding social situations and destroying my health. This was a nice lesson... back one step, forward two... that is called learning. I like learning.

Now, let's see what happens!!!

What do I want?

I feel like I've lost something. I've been trying to figure out what. I realized today that perhaps the highs that I have been chasing my whole life don't really exist without the lows. The lows are gone now. And it's not that I feel like I can't be happy, I think I was just expecting to be exorbitantly happy... because, if you're not HAPPPPPY then you must be sad, right? Now I just am. And, quite sadly, a large part of me is missing the HI-GHs. I guess it's true, there is just no pleasing me.

But now it's time to just start living my life. Again. Still. Finally.

Just not really sure what that means at this exact moment. Should I try for that other job? It would be a half hour (absolute minimum) commute each way... I actually enjoyed commuting way back but that was because I was living with Karl and very excited to have alone time without him. (Maybe with a commute I could handle a relationship!) It pisses me off to go to work these days... but is that just the way it's going to be at any job and I have unrealistically high expectations? Actually, that's part of the reason that I want to change jobs - at least then I will know.

I want to know if every place is run like that... a.k.a. very badly. I want to know if this is the right industry for me, as much as I feel that it is. I want to know if maybe I would be happier in a simple casual position instead of running the place. I want to know what it would be like to be actually trained to do my job. I want to know if this is the next step and if I should take it.

I knew about this assistant manager job opening for a while but last week I really felt like I'm ready to... ready to what? Ready to leave where I am? It's been four months. I love the residents. I even love Jane, my boss, even though I think she is not cut out for this position. And what if she fucks up enough to lose her job and I get it? Then I have to work for/with Cora? Hells no. Hells no. At least this way I will know if I'm living in a fantasy world and then I can work with that. I just don't know if it's time. And in my life philosophy, if the answer isn't yes, then it has to be no. But fuck my life philosophy! What do I know, right? There is no guarantee that I will even get it... at least if I apply, I will have an actual decision to make. Why do I make life so complicated?

Oh my: POF

I work with independent seniors and I constantly think that
if life really is about survival of the fittest, then these are the people who win.
Everyone's body deteriorates differently and there is only so much you can do about it.
Just as we all developed at different paces and in different ways, our bodies will break down, too.
But to get all the way to the finish line?
That means you did something right.
I want to get there
(or as close as I damn well can)
and I want to know that I did everything I could to be who I am,
to be happy,
to be who I wanted me to be.
Not who I thought everyone else wanted me to be
or even who everyone seemed to think I was
but as me.
Not that I got there despite my best efforts,
b-i-t-c-h-ing about it all the way.
I want to get to the finish line knowing that I improved the world,
if only in some small way,
that I had made a difference in someone's life,
that I put a smile where there hadn't been one before,
that I had raised a child
or reached out a helping hand to someone in need.
Not because someone stood on an alter and said I was supposed to
and not because it was politically correct and someone was watching
but because maybe they will turn around and reach out a helping hand to someone else.
And if they didn't deserve a helping hand,
I think maybe it's worth the chance,
and maybe there's a chance they would realize that they could deserve it.
My finish line is a long, long way away
but I know that I will get there with a smile on my face and peace in my heart.
And I guess I'm keeping my eyes open
for the person I might want to go there with,
for a life time, for a day,
or anything in between.
(Because, let's face it, when you get old you get to use dementia as an excuse to fool around on each other!! lol)

Facebook quiz: What kind of mask do you wear?

Pain


Your mask is pain. For some reason or another you just can't seem to find a positive outlook on life. You get angry when people try to relate with how you feel, because you're convinced they won't understand. Deep down you know there should be a million reasons for people to want to get to know you, but you often find yourself closing yourself off from those around you. You have your select friends, but can't help but want something more. You find opening up difficult, but you do find your ways to let things out. You have your good days, but even through the good times, you feel like there is always going to be those feelings that don't sit right.



~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Ouch. Still? Really? I don't think so anymore... I think I'm just still learning my new outlook on life because I realized that that one didn't fit. My mother? My sister? Mmhmm.

Facebook quiz: How old a soul are you?

Very Old Soul


When the winds of change blow, you sense the outcome ahead of others, having seen so much before. Surprises come in smaller forms to you, as in the unexpected experiences of the senses, deepening your appreciation of the physical. You want life to last so you can explore your mature understanding of existence. You have become patient with the younger souls, understanding their paths and of the challenges they face. You forgive much, often acting as mentor without pushing your beliefs upon others. You give without great expectations of receiving. Love has become the most valued concept in your universe - this life may be your quest to perfect your ability to express and receive perfect love. Thoughts of dying do not fill you with dread, as you understand death is a part of life, and life is a process of becoming... so death is a graduation, not an end. At rest, you feel at one with the universe and are grateful for your current home, Earth. You have a heartfelt affinity for history - the connections to various periods throughout time are undeniable. Very old souls are adept at recognizing other old souls... mutual respect forms naturally between them.

Facebook quiz: What is your inner self?

A Universal Person


You are a perfect balance of everything. You've gone through a fair share of things and you are able to put yourself in other peoples shoes. You are caring and understanding. You are fun and warm to be around. You tend to help people. You know what it is like to be at an all time low and you know how to deal with things. You consider all of your friends to be "good friends. You are kinda like the Goldie Locks of personalities. The things you do are practical, but sensitive to whom it would affect. You are at ease with yourself, and have spent a good deal of time finding yourself, and now that you have, you've finally bloomed into something beautiful. Thanks for taking this quiz, I hope you enjoyed it.



~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Wow.

Facebook quiz: What is your best trait?

Compassion

You don't judge others' faults but rather have compassion on them and what they are going through. Your first instinct when you see someone in need is to comfort them and show them how much you care. You are gracious, and love flows out of you naturally. Even in situations where most people would back away, you are right there for people with your arms wide open. You feel empathy for those who suffer, and this might be because of your kind nature or maybe even because you can relate; whatever the reason, you help heal wounds and are a shoulder to cry on.



~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I think this might be why I'm good at what I do, working with seniors. They allow me to be this. I always thought it was weakness and stupid, it wasn't what I wanted to be so I hated it and became something else. And this is what I have learned again - but this time I know it's okay.

Finally me - POF

I looked around the other day and realized that everyone is turning beige: conforming, blending in to the scenery, trying to be just like everyone else. That life is not for me - I live my life in colour! I will not settle, I will not make-do, I will not just let each day happen while I wait for the next one to come. I live every day on purpose with purpose - even the days that I just spend on the couch. I'm all in and I'm loving it!

The more I try, the more I want to try; the more I see, the more I want to see; the more I know, the more I want to know. I can find a silver lining anywhere and I love to share it with those who want to see it, too. What a fantastic way to live: with passion and vigour, face forward, learning from the past but never regretting a single moment of it. No wonder I can't stop smiling!

I'm looking for a guy who lives in colour, who likes to take chances and understands how fantastic life can be. I like men who are good with their hands (heh heh - I mean, like, mechanically!) (okay, the other thing, too! lol), confident and considerate of others. I want to be with someone who inspires me to grow and supports me when I want to run for cover, someone who is open to change and able to see all of the good that this world has to offer. I will never need someone else to complete my life but it sure would be nice to find someone who complements it.

Happy fishing!

Another

I don't know anything about the man I will end up with. I have no idea where he is from or what he looks like but I know who he will be and I know how I will feel when he is around. He will treat me and others with respect and consideration, he will be able to make me laugh so hard I fall off my chair; he will be affectionate and warm but understand that having some time apart is just as important as time together. He will have or want children and dogs; he will love all kinds of music and movies. He will have strong hands and a big heart and I will feel safe and loved when he is around. We will play board games and video games instead of mind games and we will debate issues and ideas instead of argue about the clothes left on the floor. And it won't matter who is right or wrong because I will know that he is right for me.

I was gonna put this on my profile but I'm not but I thought it was interesting

Yes, I admit it. I'm different. I spent most of my life trying to hide that until I realized that different can be a good thing!

Just in little ways. Like I reach out a helping hand, whether or not that person would do the same for me. I pick up trash that I see on the floor, even thought that's "someone else's job". I always have a spare toothbrush on hand in case a guest needs one and I bake cookies for people that I care about. I am friends with every single guy I ever dated - because their side of the story is just as valid as mine. I assume that people are acting with the best intentions until they show me otherwise (and everyone shows their true intentions eventually - good or bad).

I follow my instincts and believe that I can achieve anything that I can imagine... as long as I am willing to work for it. I have a new job that I LOVE which pays 1/3 of what I made in a job I hated (a worthy trade, I say!). I have a new lifestyle that some view as a step backward but it is actually one small part of a major jump forward. I have a life-long "to do" list that I am about half way through (wondering what I already checked off? flying a plane, bungee jumping, travelling to somewhere other than my Newfoundland home, hot-air ballooning, seeing Duran Duran in concert, taking a full year off work to do anything I wanted and absolutely nothing that I didn't feel like doing, horseback riding, ran the Vancouver Sun Run and oh so much more!)... and the list is open ended which makes every day a potential adventure!

I am happy when I am around others and I am happy when I am alone. I am who I am 100% of the time. Don't worry, I don't think that I am anywhere near perfect! I have bad days and can be a b-i-t-c-h like everyone else but I try my best to recognize it and make adjustments as required (like quiting my job when I realized that I wanted to cry every morning because I had to go to work... and the day didn't get much better from there). Who wants to be perfect? I'm totally okay with imperfections... because having them means I still have some living and learning to do.

Yes, I'm different. I am upfront and open about who I am and what I am looking for in my life and in my significant other... because that's how I'm going to get what I am looking for!

Be careful what you wish for...

Did you ever notice how the only time anyone ever says "be careful what you wish for" is when they think something bad might happen? Well, experimenter of theories that I am, about a year ago I decided to turn that theory around - I decided to be careful what I wished for, but in a good way.

I had everything that I ever wanted: I made (almost) a six figure salary, nice car, my own condo decorated with brand new custom furniture. But I still didn't feel satisfied, I just wasn't happy. I realized that I had just coasted my whole life and maybe it was time to put a little effort into my life. I quit my job and set off a series of events that changed my life forever.

I learned that I can be happy - not just 'having a good day' happy but deep down to the soul happy. I learned that I have the ability to do and/or be anything that I want... as long as I want to work at it. And I learned peace.

So now I'm very careful about what I wish for... because I'm going to get it.

It's a beautiful life

"You can do what you want
just seize the day
What you're doing tomorrow's
gonna come your way
Don't you ever consider giving up
you will find, oh
It's a beautiful life
It's a beautiful life"

"And the day that you spin
from your little cocoon
Well, you can't be prepared
for the beauty you'll find there
You'll find beauty
in the toughest of places
And I will be thinking of you
out there"

"There's only two types of people in the world
The ones that entertain and the ones that observe
Baby I'm a put on a show kinda girl
Don't like the back seat, I'm always first"

"I'm a shooting star leaping through the skies
Like a tiger defying the laws of gravity
I'm a racing car passing by like Lady Godiva
I'm gonna go go go
There's no stopping me"

"What would you say if I said something strange
That made a difference in how you feel
What would you do if I did something out of the blue
That made the world a better place
Oh, I think I will"

"It took me all my life
to finally figure out
that I'm not in the mood
to be anything like you
And maybe it's alright
and maybe now
I'll conduct my choir
I'll figure it out"

"I've got a smile on my face
I've got four walls around me
Got the sun in the sky
All the waters surround me
Yeah, I win now but sometimes I lose
I've been battered
but I never bruise
It's not so bad
And I say way-hey-hey
It's just an ordinary day
and it's all your state of mind
At the end of the day
you've still got to say it's all right
In this beautiful life
there's always some sorrow
But it's a double edged knife
because there's always tomorrow
It's up to you now
if you sink or swim
Just keep the faith
that your ship will come in
It's not so bad"

"I'm starting with the man in the mirror
I'm asking him to change his ways
And no message could have been any clearer
If you wanna make the world a better place
Take a look at yourself, and then make a change"

"Just one of those things
When everything goes incredible
And all is beautiful
And all of those things that used to get you down
Now have no effect at all
'Cause life is beautiful"

"Voted most likely to end up on the back of a milk box drink
Looks like I'm lettin' 'em down
Cause se-ven seventy-five isn't worth an hour of my hard work and time
When you can't afford half the shit they advertise
Oh I'm worth more than an x,
More then a toe-tag generation full of regret
Oh I won't settle no, oh I can't settle
I wanna break the mold, wanna break the stereotype
Fist in the air, I'm not going down without a fight
It's my life and I'm not sitting on the sidelines watching
It pass me by
I'm leaving you my legacy
I gotta make my mark
I gotta run in hard
I want you to remember me
I'm leaving my fingerprints
I'm leaving my fingerprints"

"Here's to the next time
I wrap myself around a tree
I know that you'll be there with bells on
To pull me off
Thanx for throwing me the line
when I lost sight of it
You're the only reason I can exhale
And now suddenly when I find
that the outcome's just not right
for what I just did
You're the only one I can breathe through"

"I had it tough when I was just a little kid
It didn't matter what I thought
It didn't matter what I did
I felt the doubt for what I liked right from the start
It did a number on my head
But it could never touch my heart
Cause I had just enough imagination
Just enough to keep the faith
Somehow I would think of what to do
When I get lost in the momentary weakness of emotion
All the angels came around to help me through
Life pull fast changes
Wind blows past pages
All I see is that I don't need this
High strung tight-rope walk
Ticking time bomb clock
Scratch my name and cut these chains
I'm free
Kicking out that prison I am free
Singing those words of wisdom
Let it be
Nobody gonna put the blues inside of me
And in the stress to be the best
I've done it all
I slammed the doors, I jammed the locks
I laid the bricks, I built the walls
No one could tell me back then
Why joy eluded me
It kept bumping into that misery
Locked up deep down inside of me
Took that rage and I
Turned that page and I
Packed my tools, went back to school
And I passed my graduation
And I hold my PhD
In crash test moves I've paid those dues"

"Hurry up and wait
So close, but so far away
Everything that you've always dreamt of
Close enough for you to taste
But you just can't touch
You wanna show the world, but no one knows your name yet
Wonder when and where and how you're gonna make it
You know you can if you get the chance
In your face and the door keeps slamming
Now you're feeling more and more frustrated
And you're getting all kind of impatient waiting
We live and we learn to take
One step at a time
There's no need to rush
It's like learning to fly
Or falling in love
It's gonna happen when it's
Supposed to happen that we
Find the reasons why
One step at a time
You believe and you doubt
You're confused, you got it all figured out
Everything that you always wished for
Could be yours, should be yours, would be yours
If they only knew"

"We haven't met
And that's okay
'Cause you will be asking for me one day
Don't want to wait
In line
The moment is mine believe me
Don't close your eyes
'Cause it's a chance worth takin'
And I think that I can shake you
I know where I stand
I know who I am
I would never run away when life gets bad, it's
Everything I see
Every part of me
Gonna get what I deserve
I got nerve"

"Feet on ground
Heart in hand
Facing forward
Be yourself"

"Goin' to the land of opportunity
Manifest destiny
Do you want to change your mind?
You can always change your mind"

"When I'm up
I can't get down
Can't get down
can't get level
When I'm up
I can't get down
get my feet back on the ground"

"Wake up without a care
Your head's not heavy
Your conscience clear
Sins are all forgiven here
Yours and mine
Fear has gone without a trace
It's the perfect time
it's the perfect place
Nothing hurtin', nothin' sore
So no one suffers anymore
The doctor's found a simple cure
just in time
All these things if I were king
would all appear around me
The world will sing
when I am king
The world will sing
when I am king
Daylight waits to shine
until the moment you awaken
So you never miss the dawn
No question now
you know which road you're taking
Lights all green
the radio plays just the perfect song
All these things if I were king
would all appear around me
The world will sing
when I am king
The world will sing
when I am king"

"Well, I fought with a stranger
and I met myself
I opened my mouth
and I heard myself
It can get pretty low
when you show yourself
Guess I could have made it
easier on myself
But I could never follow
No I could never follow
Well, I never seem to do it
like anybody else
Maybe someday
someday I'm gonna settle down
If you ever want to find me
I can still be found
Taking the long way around"

"First, when there's nothing but a slow glowing dream
That your fear seems to hide deep inside your mind
All alone I have cried silent tears full of pride
In a world made of steel, made of stone
Well I hear the music, close my eyes, feel the rhythm
Wrap around, take a hold of my heart
What a feeling, bein's believin'
I can have it all, now I'm dancin' for my life
Take your passion, and make it happen
Pictures come alive, you can dance right through your life"

"Hush, just stop
There’s nothing you can do or say, baby
I’ve had enough
I’m not your property as from today, baby
You might think that I won't make it on my own
But now I’m…
Stronger than yesterday
Now it’s nothing but my way
My loneliness ain’t killing me no more
I’m stronger
That I ever thought that I could be, baby
I used to go with the flow
Didn’t really care ‘bout me
You might think that I can’t take it, but you’re wrong
‘Cause now I’m…
Stronger than yesterday
Now it’s nothing but my way
My loneliness ain’t killing me no more
I’m stronger"

"Like a cat in heat stuck in a moving car
a scary conversation shut my eyes can't find the brake
Would it be said that you're a climber
naturally I'm worried if I do it alone
Who really cares cause it's your life
you never know it could be great
Take a chance cause you might grow
what you waiting for
Tick toc, tick toc
Take a chance you stupid ho
Like an echo peddle
you're repeating yourself
You know it off by heart
why are you standing in one place
Life is short, you're capable
What you waiting for"

"I'm Gonna Make A Change
For Once In My Life
It's Gonna Feel Real Good
Gonna Make A Difference
Gonna Make It Right
As I, Turn Up The Collar On My
Favourite Winter Coat
This Wind Is Blowin' My Mind
I See The Kids In The Street
With Not Enough To Eat
Who Am I, To Be Blind
Pretending Not To See
Their Needs
A Summer's Disregard
A Broken Bottle Top
And A One Man's Soul
They Follow Each Other On
The Wind Ya' Know
Cause They Got Nowhere To Go
That's Why I Want You To Know
I'm Starting With The Man In The Mirror
I'm Asking Him To Change His Ways
And No Message Could Have
Been Any Clearer
If You Wanna Make The World
A Better Place
Take A Look At Yourself
And Then Make A Change
I've Been A Victim Of
A Selfish Kind Of Love
It's Time That I Realize
That There Are Some With No Home
Not A Nickel To Loan
Could It Be Really Me
Pretending That They're Not Alone?
A Willow Deeply Scarred,
Somebody's Broken Heart
And A Washed-Out Dream
They Follow The Pattern Of The Wind, Ya' See
Cause They Got No Place To Be
That's Why I'm Starting With Me
I'm Starting With The Man In The Mirror
I'm Asking Him To Change His Ways
And No Message Could Have
Been Any Clearer
If You Wanna Make The World
A Better Place
Take A Look At Yourself And
Then Make A Change"

Oh, how I cried.

I'm sorry. That was fast but furious but I felt okay right after. I shouldn't have said that. I'm not going to hurt myself. I would never hurt myself. It was intense, I'm not going to say it wasn't, but I got through it and I really feel okay. It's just time to get up, that's all.

Sometimes

As positive as I sound sometimes, there are still times that I wonder if I will actually come out of all of this in one piece. All of this analyzing and soul-searching is a load of crap. Is my life any different than when it first started? Really? I don't think so. Will I always sit here and hate myself because no one loves me and because I seem to be so beyond hope. It really seems as if I will. So I quit my job, and left the guy, and sold my condo and nothing is different. Nothing. FUCKING NOTHING!!!!!!!!! Christ! If I had a gun in my hand right now... I would probably do nothing... but I would be so fucking tempted it's not fucking funny. This has to end. It has to. It has to. It has to. It has to. It has to. It has to. Please. Just stop.

Alcohol makes me want to hurt myself... it's all coming back to me now...

Three cheers for mental stability! Or maybe just two...

One of the most interesting things that has come out of all of this personal exploration is that I now realize that I very often did not correctly assess my feelings. Everything went into the depressed pile or I'm an asshole pile and it never seemed to click that there was a I am completely normal pile.

It's called jealousy. Not extreme, not debilitating, just jealousy. That little gnawing feeling at the pit of your stomach that normal would have sent me straight to the couch with a big bag of chips and a big fat doobie. That little bit of gut rot that automatically screams "you idiot! look how fat you are - why would anyone want you when they could have someone else??" It even stings when it's someone that I don't particularly want.

But that's not totally true, I guess. I have been developing quite the little crush on this Dave person. I like him. I like being around him. I have fun with him. He makes me feel good about myself. I am myself with him - that is completely huge! Do I want a romantic relationship with him? I keep saying how cool it is to be friends with a guy without all the other crap but the more I am with him the more I am looking for that other crap.

It seems the only thing that I can do is this: wait. Let's see what happens. Be open to all possibilities but not fixated on any one possibility in particular. Yes, I like that idea. Let's just see.

Meet the truth

The problem with pot is that you spend so much time thinking about what you are going to do that you rarely do it.

Oprah's on/Oprah's wrong

For the past few days I have been sitting on my couch, watching Oprah's 20 year anniversary DVD box set thingy that I gave to Julie for Christmas years ago and borrowed back from Julie years ago and finally started to watch. I started to watch because I have been studying to be me and something that I read in Cesar Millan's dog book made me think, yes, I would like to observe this woman and how she connects with people because I want to connect with people. So this is pure study and not at all entertainment. ;-)

Okay, well, that's how it started and it is still that but it has been very entertaining and enlightening, too. The section about her weight struggles was on earlier and she said something that made me really stop and think. Oprah said that you won't lose weight until you learn to love yourself. And I don't agree. I love myself. I have taken strides to ensure that I love myself. I have worked hard to become myself, to become a person that I do love, to become who I want to be. And I truly believe that deep, deep, deep down, in my very soul, I love myself. Also, I would like to point out that these dvd's were recorded in 2005 and Oprah has since admitted to her continuing struggle with food. Does Oprah not love herself?

And, as I was standing in my kitchen, grating up the cheese to put on my nachos for my mid-afternoon snack - more for something to do than anything - it hit me. I love food. I hate food and the hatred that I feel for food has spurred me into stopping the love affair time and time again but I keep coming back. It's like an abusive relationship. It hurts me and it sickens me and it beats me down, food takes away my self esteem and food is my punishment and makes me feel like I am less than I should be. And I hate food so I leave. But, inevitably, I go back.

We have this honeymoon period. Food promises that it will never wrong me again, food loves me, food is wonderful. Food romances me and food gives me complete control over our relationship. Until the moment that I realize that I got sucked in again. Food has again taken away my self worth, food has made me into something that I don't want to be, food has stolen my dignity. And more I fight it, the more it wins. The more I struggle and make threats and run away, the more it controls me. The only way that I can beat food is to take away it's power. The only way that I can win is to be me. Fat or not fat, I need to live my life.

Because something else occurred to me right after - something that was by no means a secret but needed to be brought up again - I am not fulfilled. I am not happy because I am not living the life that I want to live. I sit here in my comfort zone and I let life happen all around me. That's not enough for me anymore. I want to be me. I want to be the person that I know I can be. I always comment on the struggle of being different and going my own way and taking the long way around but I am still only half doing it. Well, here's my opportunity. Here is my chance to make a change.

It's not about money - I do not care about money. I do not care about stuff. I do not care what kind of car I drive, where I live, how much I spent on my furniture. No matter where I am or what I do, I will always take pride in what I have, my home will always reflect my personality, I will be the person that I am inside. So, how to become fulfilled? That is the question.

I want to help people. I want to walk my talk. I want to do... something. I guess it's time to start figuring out what that is.

Wish me luck.

Still haven't found what I'm looking for

SOLD! Okay, Stacey, accepted offer. lol Subjects removed on the 11th and then SOLD!

Yet, oddly, not the best day ever. Not a totally bad day; not the best day that got better at around 5pm. When - I think - I decided on the next step. Beginning details:

1. go to school - Academy of Learning, Hospitality Management

2. new car - Jeep Cherokee Sport, Black (my dream car of yore!)

3. get a waitressing gig - pub is hiring, senior's place is, too

4. new pad - sell most of my furniture and go minimalist?

5. become a movie extra - just for something interesting to do... just so I can say I did!