One of the most interesting things that has come out of all of this personal exploration is that I now realize that I very often did not correctly assess my feelings. Everything went into the depressed pile or I'm an asshole pile and it never seemed to click that there was a I am completely normal pile.
It's called jealousy. Not extreme, not debilitating, just jealousy. That little gnawing feeling at the pit of your stomach that normal would have sent me straight to the couch with a big bag of chips and a big fat doobie. That little bit of gut rot that automatically screams "you idiot! look how fat you are - why would anyone want you when they could have someone else??" It even stings when it's someone that I don't particularly want.
But that's not totally true, I guess. I have been developing quite the little crush on this Dave person. I like him. I like being around him. I have fun with him. He makes me feel good about myself. I am myself with him - that is completely huge! Do I want a romantic relationship with him? I keep saying how cool it is to be friends with a guy without all the other crap but the more I am with him the more I am looking for that other crap.
It seems the only thing that I can do is this: wait. Let's see what happens. Be open to all possibilities but not fixated on any one possibility in particular. Yes, I like that idea. Let's just see.
