As it begins, so does it end. Guilty. Tears sprung to my eyes as I stood for the verdict. She just nodded. I don't feel bad, I don't doubt my decision in the slightest. Maybe it was in compassion for her and all that she will be facing now. Maybe with compassion for all that had happened to her and all that she had done. Because I do not believe in excuses but I do believe in reasons. And she has lead such a horrific life.

During her testimony she said that she was raped for the first time by her friend's father WHEN SHE WAS SEVEN. When I was seven I was chasing around boys and getting in crap for not doing my homework. At eleven, I was still chasing boys (the same boys, oddly enough), she was getting molested by her stepfather and stepbrother. She was living in a car at 13, I was worrying about the prom.

How is it possible that two people could live such extremely different lives?

Tina Marie Mitchell
killed Marjorie Gillan at 5am on September 2, 2004. She drank her booze and did her crack and then she picked up a bat and beat her best friend to death. I hope, I truly hope and maybe need to believe that Marjorie did attack her. I hope that the feared for her life as she struck the first blow. And I hope that she honestly and truly doesn't remember so that she doesn't have to see that scene in her mind, over and over, for the rest of her life. But what she did, and admits to doing, could never be justified. Under any circumstance. And I refuse to believe that I could ever, even in the most extreme circumstance, hurt someone the way she did. I don't think that I will ever forget those pictures. Of the bruises and the bits of brain that you could see through the mass of contusions on her head, of the crack in her skull and the stab wounds on her chest, of the cut across her foot, of the pillow. Oh, that pillow.

It was quite an experience. Seeing how the justice systems works and frustrates. Hearing such intimate details of people that I didn't even know existed. Crying for a woman that had led such a horrifying life that you wonder how she could have survived. And she still fights to survive.

Maybe that was what she needed. I have to believe that from every tragedy, some good must come. Maybe, if this were a movie, she would turn her whole life around. Stay off the drugs, lead a productive life, work to get her son out of foster care and stop the cycle. Stop the cycle.

What could I do, I wonder? Could I help? I really feel that I need to reach out in some way. I have been so blessed. But I've had my share of pain. I am fortunate enough to have friends and family who support me. And a real strength that I always took for granted. The upsetting fact that I am so different from other people is also, in a way, my favourite part of myself. I couldn't have one without the other.

Ah, it really is all about me, isn't it?
All the best, Tina. Godspeed. Godspeed.

The trial started today. My head is swimming with visions and pictures and crushed skulls. And I am so tired, so very tired. Julie and Nicola and I went out on Saturday night. Drunken stupor at Gabby's. Very fun. Julie said something that I keep thinking about. As usual, I was telling her how wonderful she is, how beautiful, how heads turn when she enters a room. And she said something like people don't notice her as much as me, that people crowd around me, life of the party. Feels good that that is what she sees. Any maybe others as well.

I'm awesome! Who knew?
Um... everybody! ;)


Round the table: Bev - Rita - Rich - Carl - Don - Ross - James - Virginia - Carol - Mal - Grant - Kerri

Go to sleep! Sleep! Sleep!

It's been a weird couple of days. He came over last night and we had sex and talked. And ever since I can't stop thinking - who was that person? Who was that? I don't want to be with this guy. And, I guess, just like that I was freed. I know we both changed over the past year or whatever but omigod! That guy is so not the person that I want to be with. I don't even know if I can explain it. Ugh! He's 37 and he sent me an email of his dick? Are you kidding me? I am so not interested. Stunned but so not interested. I'm so not interested that I don't even want to talk about this anymore.

So, still at Karl and Jenny's. I don't mean to be rude but how do people possibly live like this? It's gross here - just gross. At every corner in every room there is something else that I stare at in shock and disbelief! Can you spell gross?

He called today. Called home and then my cell but I was up here babysitting the boys while Karl and Jenny are in Calgary. Anyway, I struggled for a bit with the whatfors and I wonderwhys. Then I said, why not just face it? And I called him back. You know what he said? He was at the Superstore and they had Nintendo games on special and he wondered if I wanted any. He was AT THE SUPERSTORE AND THEY HAD NINTENDO GAMES ON SPECIAL AND HE WONDERED IF I WANTED ANY. WHAT? Shall I say it again?

Well, there you go then. After almost 4 years it is done. Yeah. Again. But this time for real. He doesn't want me. He's been dating other people. I'm glad he told me, though. I know he thinks a lot of me - but as a friend. And I really appreciate that he told me. So, I'll cry for a day or two and move on. Next time it will be different. Next time I won't fall too fast. Next time I'll be chased.

I do need to throw up a little bit, though. Yeah, it's gonna be rough for a bit but much better in the long run, Bevie, much better.

Well, I think I made a big oopsie-poopsie with the Fabe. I sent an email on Sunday morning - rather light hearted in manual form - saying I love you, I would like to see you more, blah, blah, blah. And not a word.

Not that that surprises me but just a little nagging at the base of my skull (or heart?) saying why? Why are you still here? Of course the answer is that I love him. I did a LOT of soul searching last year and the answer was that I want to be with him. That does not, however, make him want to be with me.

And, as my saying goes - whatchagonnado?

I was just watching a movie. And the guy holds her and kisses the top of her head while she sleeps and I think "will anyone ever love me like that?" I've always felt so alone and worthless and I've gone through all of these changes and I'm still alone. Not worthless anymore but not really any less alone, either. Am I kidding myself that this thing with Fabian will ever be any more than it is right now? I'm tired of this, I want more. I don't want to be alone anymore. I want someone's arms around me, I want to feel like someone cares about me, I want to look into someone's eyes and see love there.

I don't understand what is wrong with me? What makes me so different from anyone else? Am I unworthy? Am I not a good person? When does the pain end? When do I get to stop feeling like I'm constantly struggling? I'm tired.

My good god. Do you have any idea how much baggage I have been carrying around for the past 20 years? It just hit me. I mean, I never forgot but it just hit me how much it's stayed with me and how much it influences me. That one little moment changed everything. That sentence. That "I don't want to go out with you anymore". When I was... what? 16? Jesus.

That's why I always hold back for a bit when Fabian comes over. That's why, when he's not with me I think he's with someone else. Because Dave was. And I have never been so humiliated. I never felt so stupid and duped and hurt. And everyone knew. My mother knew. The whole Teen Centre knew. And I was all la-de-da, kiss kiss, tee hee. The one time that I didn't go to the dance.

And I have been trying to avoid feeling like that ever since. And I always thought that it was because she was pretty and she was thin and she was younger. But maybe it was because of how she made him feel. Maybe it was because she made him feel strong and wanted and I was home and didn't show up without even bothering to call.

I still wait that first few minutes to judge his demeaner before I react to him. I've never been able to kiss and love him without some sign that it was okay. It never really occurred to me that he probably wondered why I was always cold at first. It isn't his fault that when I was 16 David Parmiter screwed around on me at a dance with Angela Hardy in front of all of my friends and no one told me and the next day he broke up with me at the Teen Centre in front of all of my friends and I laughed when he said I don't want to go out with you anymore, I laughed and I said yeah, me too. It isn't his fault that somehow in that one moment my heart was broken and while it has been bandaged and healed there is still this little scar that is barely visible. But behind that scar the scar tissue has been building and pushing out the caring feelings that could be there. In that one moment I stopped believing, I stopped trusting. My deepest fears were confirmed - I wasn't good enough. Self-fulfilling prophecy? Maybe. But the fact remains that I never let anyone put me in that position again. And I really don't know if I can start now.

I hate these days. Something just ruptured in my brain this afternoon and made me feel like this murderous rage. Not really. I don't exactly rage. Sometimes I wish I did. Maybe it would be better than sitting alone, crying. Ah, maybe it would be worse. I need something more than work and tv, I know that. Exercise. I'm waiting again. For what? I don't now. Waiting for everything to be perfect so that everything will be perfect. Waiting to not have these days anymore. Stay off the ganga and booze might be a good start. Get some exercise, get off the couch, start some renos or some cleaning or some studying. Something. Something. The problem is, when I feel like this, I don't want to do anything. I can't concentrate on work, I don't feel like reading, tv is boring, exercise is a joke. God. Forever the see-saw. Should I just learn to accept it?

So, things are going good. God, who is this girl? I LOVE HER SO MUCH! I've seen Fabe a couple of times - two actually. Seems like so much more. I love this guy. The doubt is gone, the games are gone, the fear is gone. I'm trying to show him that I've changed and the only way I can do that is to give it time and let him get to know me again. This patience that I have is so funny, so odd, so damn nice. Today I called and asked him over for supper. It was about 4pm. He hadn't shown at 6:45ish so I ate mine. He called a while later and said he was coming over but when he learned that I had eaten he asked if it would be okay that he didn't come over. And it was, it really was. His reaction to my reaction was funny. Lots of 'are you sure it's okay?'s. I kinda wanted to go 'see? see?'.

I'm a little wary of the whole talking thing. It's just not something that I do. How much? And how much is too much? And when? It'll be hard at first but it's the only way that things can be any different long term.

I freakin' wanna marry this guy!

Ohmigod, am I all growed up or what???

I finally started exercising again. I was bored and cranky-ish yesterday afternoon and decided to heed my "what will make me feel better" list and hopped on my stationary bike. Feels good. I've really been struggling with the moods for the past few months. Not really lows - except a bit in Newfoundland - but definite swings. Kind of not wanting to work, sleeping lots, not wanting to eat, having trouble concentrating. Moving should make it a bit better, although my tennis butt is painful at times (need to see hot Doctor Dave!).

My eating is really weird, too. I don't feel like eating. Seriously, I could care less. Just don't want anything. Then I pig out - probably from habit or boredom than from hunger. Like today. I was getting ready for work and did 30 minutes on the bike so I had a banana. Got a bagel at Tims on the way to work because I wasn't hungry but had to have something. Had a powerbar at noon. Found a Nutrigrain bar shortly after that so I ate it. Came home to have lunch and put a Lean Cusine in the microwave, was revolted before even taking a bite so I threw it out and had some chips. Fell asleep on the couch for half an hour. Ordered from Boston Pizza and had 2 sour keys, 5 hot wings and a small pizza. I'm totally stuffed and didn't want to eat to begin with. Now I'm trying to talk myself into a Blizzard. Control, Bevie. I need to start tracking calories again.

Interesting day. I had my settlement negotiation meeting for the lawsuit today. They were quite complimentary of me. They said - both sides - that it was my honesty and personality that doubled the settlement. All three lawyers said together and separately that it was odd to see. So, it turns out, that moral standards do pay. All of those people that said milk it and get all you can were wrong. Not that I needed that validation to live my life as I do but it was nice, I have to say.

So, the settlement came to $31,500. When all is said and done, I will receive about $15,000. With my wage loss and expenses topping $10.000, I am comfortable with that. I don't feel that I have scammed anyone. I would say that it won't keep me up at night but here I am. I am now more financially secure than at any other time in my life. I have a mortgage and my condo is earning equity solidly. All of my credit card debt is paid. I am taking home a comfortable pay that allows me to pay my bills and have just a touch left over at the end of the day. (of course, the outstanding tax debt story will left for another day!) So what the hell am I supposed to do with $15,000? Holy shit! My first instinct is save save save. Then I come home and think a new tv would be nice. Should I get a new computer? Or that area rug at Pier One? New speakers and thingamajigger? Upgrade my car? Is there any left? I don't want it to waste away. I think I'll take $10,000 for savings - mutual funds and GIC, half and half maybe. The rest I'll put in my savings account and spend some to fix up the pad. But I have to control the excess.

Just got off the phone with the Fabe. I'm a little weirded out. This is such a messed up feeling sometimes. It's like I don't know how to react to certain things. And then I don't know if my reactions that I do have are real or habit. Like we were talking about threesomes, which we've discussed a million times, and I really felt jealous when he mentioned that he knew someone that might be interested. And then I started thinking am I really jealous or is it just the way I always used to react? But then I was like - I don't want to play these games now so I don't know if I could do something like that and survive it. But do I tell him that? Because I don't know where he's at with all of this. Is it just sex to him or does he want to consider more? Shit. How do I do this? This is going to be a rough time in some ways, I think. But I know I need to try. For real this time. No games. And let's see.

Seriously, how did I survive before? How did I live for all of those years without this kind of happiness? I know I wasn't down every day but the happy days were usually an obsessive excitement. I don't remember being deep down happy, confident, in love with my life. Consistently. Without that question in the back of my head: what next? When's the next swing?

Well, that was a long, drawn out entry. Let's see if I can expand on it a bit...

Our Fabian came over for dinner the other night. Ohmygad! I thought I would pass out with all of those orgasms. Sweet! He didn't come though. Interesting. The real interesting part is that I don't feel bad about it. Before I would be thinking he didn't like me or didn't enjoy himself. Well, silly girl - he was there so he must like you and he was rock hard and smiling so he must have had an okay time! And now the waiting begins. Waiting to see what is the next step. Initially, I thought under no circumstance would I contact him first. He has to chase me (that's a strong word but I can't think of another) for this to work. Then I was thinking that, after all, I'm the one really trying to make amends here. I am the one trying to regain his trust. I won't become a mad woman or anything but I do feel that I will need to take a few extra steps. And most of all, the answer is time. Time to heal, time to get to know each other again, time to rebuild (or start to build for the first time) trust. I don't know where this will go but I love him. I really do. I need to learn to communicate and consider his perspective but bottom line is I love him. So I'll wait. At the same time, - Oh, I'll get into that another day...

I had sex last night. Yep! You read that right, sister. I'd really rather not disclose who it was with. Shea! Likely!

I wrote this last night before I went to sleep. I thought that I would re-read it today and then email it to him. I went to sleep knowing that I would send it. And he would reply. And we would live happily ever after. And my first thought when I woke up this morning? NO WAY! I'm not sending that! But here it is, for what it's worth.

"Sad, huh? Practically begging for a snippet of attention, believing that you will indeed call when you say you will or help me with my computer or whatever excuse that I come up with to see you. When I ran into you at the theatre the other day, all I could think about was climbing in your window and ripping your clothes off. Apparently, you didn't have a similar reaction.
I know that I am probably a fool for holding on so long, for thinking that we have something special between us. I know that you don't trust in the changes in me and that you have no reason to. But I also know that, as much as a part of me feels that I should move on and leave you alone, a bigger part tells me to stay. I care for you and I want you in my life. I'm not running, I'm not hot and cold, I'm not confused. And, while I realize that I'm probably kidding myself, I'm going to stick it out for a little while longer."

I need a leash. I need to restrained. Tied up And not in a good way! ;) Remember, Beverly.... PMS. Everything is a little exaggerated right now. Every feeling is a little stronger and harder to deal with than usual.

And, anyway - get your head out you ass, already! Don't you remember? If he's not calling - not showing up when he says - avoiding you. It means he's just not that into you. Stop making excuses for him. It's your own fault. He was into you. Circumstances changed. And maybe he never was and never could be into you the way you always wanted him to be. How long will it take to accept that? He doesn't care back. And even if he does in some weird warped way at the base of his small cold heart, he'll never let it out. He'll never trust you again. Could we not let go already? Do you still enjoy this torture just a bit? How very 15 of you. Get a backbone and a new vibrator and move on. Something will happen for you someday when you are ready. For now this yo-yo is not creating any positive vibes for you.

I need this to end! How long is this going to drag out? I thought all of this was over! The giddiness and tears. Let go! Motherfuck!

I feel... distracted, unsettled, bored. It's been all week or so. The other day I made a list in my mind. What will make me feel better/what won't make me feel better. It went something like this:

What WON'T make me feel better
1. food
2. sex
3. cigarettes
4. pot
5. alcohol
6. Fabian
7. shopping

What WILL make me feel better
1. exercise
2. healthy diet
3. schedule

It's pretty simple, it always has been. The actions I took in the past to make me feel right did the exact opposite in the long run. The shitty part is that I feel so shitty that I keep doing the shitty stuff. Get you shitty ass to the gym, woman!

So, funny little story... how sad is it that I get so excited over these little things but this is the fun of life, I suppose. First, the background:

I called Fabe on Monday to let him know that I was back and he could come pick up his chips, left a message. He called Tuesday night. We were on the phone for an hour and a half, shooting the shit. He ended the call saying he would call the next day and come to help with my computer. Believe it or not, shock of all shocks, he didn't call. But I said to myself (and I knew it was me because I recognized my voice), I said self, maybe something came up. Or maybe nothing came up and he just forgot. Or maybe he remembered and wanted to leave me hanging. Or maybe he was just trying to get off the phone and he never intended to come over at all. But, either way, there was absolutely nothing that I could do about it at that moment. So I read my book and had a nice evening.

Anyway, today I played hooky from work and decided to go to the movie. Guess who was sitting in his car in the parking lot? Go ahead - just guess! Nope. It was Fabe himself. Looking mighty fine, might I add. I ran over and said hi but it was raining and my movie was starting so we only spoke for a minute. He said he barely recognized me, most likely because I'm so gosh-darned hot! That is the first time I saw him since June (fuck - just realized that it's almost nine months since I had sex! What a terrible slump!)

Who knows what's going to happen? I believe in fate. I believe that if it's going to be, it will be. I believe that if it isn't going to be, it isn't supposed to be. One way or your mother, there's not much I can do at this point. He has to come to me and I don't know if he will. He has many reasons to stay away and not many to believe in the changes in me. I have trouble believing them myself and I am me!

So, we'll just let it ride. But I'd really just like to ride him! Tee hee!