So, yeah, it's been a frustrating day. I mean, I love this new brain and I love knowing that the frustrations and problems are temporary. I just wish I could turn it off sometimes, you know? Just that whole male/female, why doesn't he like me, am I not good enough crap. I know I'm good enough. I know that if someone doesn't like me it's not personal and that there could be nothing between us anyway. I know that the past is past is past.

But it's frustrating that everything is always so hard. Why am I the only one with no one to love me? And not getting married? And not having kids? And I don't even want those things. So WHY am I so different and everything is a struggle?

I know I always get emotional at the weekend of my period. Maybe that's all it is. Otherwise I'm okay with it all. Or I can push it away, at least. But I'm lonely. I want to be in a relationship. There - I said it. But most of all I just want to turn the emotions off and go climb under something. But I can't do that anymore. The down side of this medication is that I have to deal with stuff instead of sleeping for a week. So maybe I'm really not ready to get involved anyway. Not that I have a choice.

I don't know. I just don't.

MOTHER FUCKER! What is wrong with me? Now that I have a "normal" mind I thought this would stop. I HATE men. If I wasn't so fucking horny I would see no use for them whatsoever. I want to stop. WHAT THE FUCK HAVE THEY EVER DONE FOR ME? EVERY SINGLE FUCKING ONE OF THE CREATES NOTHING BUT TROUBLE. Can't I turn this off? Can't I just swear off men forever and just be fucking happy for while? FUCK!!

It's so sad. So embarrassing, really. How is it, after all of this time, that I still consider him a viable option? In the three and a half years that I have known him it's been game after game after game. But I don't want to play anymore. I want to let go and move on. Why can't I let go? I jumped off the bridge, I quit smoking. I can convince myself of anything. And it's time to start working on de-faberizing once and for all. Sadly, I'm so brave until he gives me a snippet of attention and fans the eternal flame of home. Mutherfucker.

Well, here's an interesting story. I decided to move on - as you can see by the last entry. And Rebecca mailed her "I found you a man" message - funny. And then I met this guy - a DHL tech - and get an instant crush. I was so excited to have a crush, to have broken the spell.

And the very next day - yesterday - he called. Fucker! He's got this weird sixth sense or something. Pisses me off. And, of course, I'm picking out rings and picking first dance songs and all we did was talk for half an hour. But he was Fabian. Fabe. You know? And I'm a little drunk so I'm gonna go karaoke. Cheers!

HE DOESN'T WANT YOU, BEVERLY

LET GO AND FIND SOMEONE WHO DOES!

FOR FUCK'S SAKE ALREADY

It's almost seven months. Seven months! And still I lie here awake and wonder what I could do or say to get him back. What made me actually pull out the pen was that I started thinking about the book that I bought for his birthday and how much trouble I went through to get it. And he knew. And I was thinking that I was okay during the good times - I obviously tried to make him happy. I just didn't know what to do when that didn't work. If anyone in this world that could understand that, it should be him. And I wonder if he's with someone new. A big part of me really hopes that he is so I'll know that I didn't totally fuck him up. Although I don't want to know if he is. It surprises me but I just don't want to know. Is it that I just don't want to let go? Because, seriously, I need a pepto every time I think of it. And that part of me that doesn't want to know, that glimmer of hope that someday out of the blue, he'll call, still says a silent prayer every fucking time the phone rings or I check my email.

Seven months ago I was saying why would I want to be with this guy, he's not the one for me so why should I even bother. And tonight I'm lying here thinking that I wish I could just erase it all from his memory and start with a clean slate. And who knows? Maybe some day, some year it will be him and I will get a chance. Or maybe all this means that better things are right around the corner.

Well, I'm sitting here by the phone, waiting for him to call. Well, literally, I am by the phone but - and I do want him to call - I'm not desperate for it. Just trying to have faith that he will call and hope that it's not too late.

It's funny, though. I'm not afraid to give, I'm not afraid to bear my soul to him, I'm not afraid to let him inside. Is it because I don't think he'll want to? Or is it because, just by recognizing that all I have held back, I will now be able to give it?

What I don't know is what to do or say to make him forgive me. How do I get him to trust in me again? Is that even possible? The funny thing is also that, even if he is with someone else, I think he will eventually recognize that we belong together.

Just call, Fabian. Just call.

So, if the silver lining of the horse accident was that it made me hit rock bottom and straighten my life out, then maybe the silver lining in this one is that it will bring Fabian back to me. Or at least take me off his black-ball list and open a window.

He called yesterday. Of course, I have us walking down the aisle (so to speak! so to speak!) and he wouldn't talk about anything but the accident. But, like a said, a window.

And here's another interesting thing that I've been thinking about. I honestly had no idea that I had so many issues with my mother but a new one came to light yesterday.

I called to tell her about the accident. I'm talking away and I could tell she was barely listening. And then she's like "well I should go and cook breakfast for your father". I spent the whole night waiting for it to be a time that I could call home and that's what I get. About 10 minutes of her distracted conversation and then nothing. And I could say well, really, the accident wasn't that bad. No one was seriously injured and yes, we were very lucky that it turned out as it did. But she always does this. She always has. Even, I remember when Dave and I had the bike accident, a few days later I had a lot of back pain and I could barely breathe. I was so scared. But she said to dad 'you take her to the emergency room because I'm cooking supper.

I remember when I was younger, before Debra and I would be so excited about something and waiting all day for her to finally come home from work and when she did I would run and greet her at the door and she'd tell me to leave her alone for a while. I knew she worked hard and was tired but I was a little kid! And things like that happened often. I started doing everything I could to make her happy, to make her life easier. Obviously I was a kid and not an angel but all the babysitting and housework. And if I didn't want to, she'd just start in on the guilt trip. And when I would go to her for a hug - I was near suicidal as a teenager for christ sake - she always ALWAYS pulled away first, before I was ready. No wonder I have spent my adult years wanting to reach out for a hug but never doing so. And the couple of times that Fabian make me stay and cry. I pulled away first. Not because I was ready to but because I felt like I was - I don't know - inconveniencing him or something.

And yesterday was the first time that I really thought 'you know, that hurt me and it's always hurt me'. I feel myself reaching out to her less and less. And less. I won't talk to her about it at all because she'll pull a Verlie Winter and I really have no time or patience for that. She has gone from the being my world to being my irriation. And that's sad. But what's really sad is that I don't even care anymore. And I mean it's really sad for her because she's losing me.

Oh, the irony of it all! I was in a car accident tonight - last night, I guess. Fuckin' bitch! Just t-boned me when she went through a red light. How inconsiderate of me to interrupt her phone conversation.

Anyway, that was just after 5pm. So I came home... oh yeah, I forgot to mention that she slammed into my door and my head bounced off the window. So I came home in a bit of pain. Neck, shoulder, head, nice red blotch all down my face (which will probably turn a lovely shade of purple). Couldn't sleep - as seems to be the norm for me in these situations. What a fucking bitch! So I got a little upset and called Fabian. His phone was off but I left a message and he hasn't replied.

Anyway, the irony that I began with is that I'm finally reaching out. After all of this time, I finally needed him and turned to him. But it's too late. He's gone.

And I can't sleep. Fucking bitch!

It's kind of funny - and yet kind of sad - but I'm still waiting for him to contact me. I'm pretty sure he won't because his responses to me since we broke up the last time have been different. But there is this glimmer of hope that has yet to fade away. I periodically dream that he emails me back and it drives me crazy because I have such hope when I check my email for the first time that day. And sometimes when I imagine him he's saying I love you and sometimes he's saying leave me alone.

But I have this amazing patience about the whole deal. It's very weird. I know that I am waiting for him and he will either contact me and all will be fine or he won't and the hope will eventually just peter out. And that's okay. I love this version of me and I know that whatever happens will work out for the best.

Okay, so that was Saturday night and still no response. Not that I honestly expected one, I just felt that I needed to lay it all out there or I'd never know.

I am going to step back like I said I would and trust him to make the right decision. And if his decision is to be without me - and who could blame him, quite frankly - then I will respect that. And I will know that he's not the one that I should be with.

I have an itchy suspicion that something isn't right with him, though. I hope I am wrong. I hope he's with someone else and happy. It's odd maybe that I should feel that way but I really want him to have someone who loves him, who will get him to open his heart. I don't want to see it, I don't want to hear about it, I just hope for it.

This is the email that I sent last night at 9:30.

"The Fabe: So, I went all boo-hoo on you a couple of weeks ago and spilled all of these words all over you and I bet that you were thinking that nothing was new, nothing had changed, you had been here before and you had no interest in being here again. But, you know, this is just my supposition. I really don't know what you were thinking or feeling because I haven't been in your life for six months. And I would like to point out that the same goes for what you know about me so, please, just lend me your eyes for a little bit and then I will back away and let you take the next step in whatever direction you choose.

Because I love you, Fabian. Whatever you think or feel about me, know that I love you and that has never stopped for a minute. But, obviously, that's not enough. If it was, I wouldn't be here and you wouldn't be there. It's not enough, but it's a start.

I realize that you hold very little respect for my depression problems of days long gone and my subsequent medication. And I'm okay with that because, even if those pills are just coated candy and it's all a total scam, they are working. I am different and I am happy and that's all I need to know. What I need you to know is how they have changed me and how I am dealing with that.

I used to live my life in a series of very high ups and very low downs. You met me during a high, confident in myself and my life. But you also saw the downs because that was when I would cry all of the time and push you away. And I know now that the times that I pushed you away was a reaction to the downs, not to you personally. I pushed everything away during the downs - I changed jobs, provinces, friends, homes - but I still would get down. That was how I finally realized that it wasn't where I worked or lived that was the problem. It was something in me.

But here's the problem. For the better part of 20 years I dealt with things in a certain way, then all of a sudden the downs were gone. What I didn't realize while I was pushing away all of those things is that I didn't develop beyond there. It's like I would be up and go to step one and then step two and then step three and I would be down again. I never learned step four or five. For example, last year I very easily lost 30 pounds. Now, I have lost 30 pounds at least four times in my adult life but then I would hit a down and gain it all back - and then some. So last year I lost 30 pounds and stopped. I didn't gain it back because there was no down but I couldn't figure out how to get to step four, I couldn't easily get beyond where I had been before. But I'm happy to say that I am now on step five or whatever (it's an analogy - back off!! ;-))

And then there is you. I don't know if you realize this but the way that I have dealt with you over the past three years is how I have dealt with every man that I have cared about: the break up and getting back together over and over. But I never got to step four. You wonder how I can be friends with my ex's? It's because I never got in deep enough to get hurt when it ended. I used to wonder how I kept finding these men who kept me at arm's length but I never realized that the mental patient (that's me!) was the one pushing away.

So, enter last April when Debra was visiting. You would call and I was constantly on the go and didn't always call back. And then you stopped calling. I never once even considered the fact that I could just pick up the phone and say "hey, how's it going?" No, I just did what I always did - pretty much nothing - and when you finally called I said let's stop the cycle. But the problem was that I just didn't know step four... I had never gotten beyond where we were.

And I thought my feelings would fade away and I'd just move on like I always did but they haven't. And, here I am, six months later, saying I don't want to go to step one with someone else. Since the day I met you I haven't wanted anyone else, I only wanted you. I need you in my life. I have always been so self involved that I thought I never ever ever would need a man but I thought needing meant to pay the mortgage or fix the toilet. I was wrong (I know - hard to believe yet somehow true!). I need you to love and to lean on, I need you to show me that maybe you don't always have to take the knives from the left (yeah, you didn't know that one I bet!) and to show me that maybe it's okay when plans change and everything doesn't happy the way I expected it to. And your great big dick helps, too!

So, here I am, asking for one last chance. I really have changed, you know... and not only physically but check this out, I'm way cuter now! (insert pics)

Also, I quit smoking in July, I am FINALLY in control of my finances, I work from 5am to 3pm every day (yes, me - 5am!), I'm nice to small animals, I got my shit together! And the biggest change is that, as scary as it might be, right now I am putting everything that I have always clung to on the line, I am putting my heart out there for you to bruise, crush or embrace and I am trusting that whatever choice you make will be the right one.

So, I don't know your situation now: you might be with someone else, you might hate me, you might just simply be sick of me, but I'm asking you for one more chance. I'm not saying it will be all sunshine and roses and I'm not saying jump back into my life full swing. Just get to know me again. I think you might be glad you did."

My god, I hope my mother never has a

Yeah, let's just let that one lie. It's not worth the chance. ANYWAY!

So, here's the funny thing. I had a major break through today! I was so blown away because it totally makes sense. And it's so simple!

I've been driving myself crazy trying to figure out what it is that makes me break up with those boys. For my whole life, I break up and get back together and break up. And here's what I've come up with. And pay close attention because this is good stuff!

Since I was 15 or so (and maybe that's why the summer that I was 15 stands out as such a turning point in my life - maybe that's when it all really started) I have been battling this depression. I didn't know what it was but I knew there was something. And looking back, I really used to wonder if it was PMS to the extreme but that didn't really make sense because of the timing. (GOD - I AM SO SMART!) But how it was like PMS was that it came in cycles. My world went up and down and up and down; where now it's more consistent.

So, let's say in high school, the cycle was:

I'm okay, I feel good about me
little bit of bickering, I need time alone
there's something wrong
I have to make this hurting stop so where is it coming from
must be a boy because our relationship went for shit
get away from me, you are making me sad
okay now I can feel okay again and get on with it
I feel good about me
let's get back together.

That's the cycle in a nutshell. That's why, after a couple of years, Dave became like "okay, if that's the way you want it, I will leave you alone - talk to you next week". And it would piss me off at the time but he was always right.

And that cycle never stopped. With Paul and with Jeff to a lesser degree, then Karl and then especially Fabian. Obviously, it had to be me - I was the only common denominator. But I was really worried last week because in trying to figure this out I realized that in my mind was that I wanted to be with someone else and then I'd break up. But it wasn't that at all. I would be having a hard time and push the guy away because I need to be alone when I'm sad, then I would go down even further and think it had to be the relationship that was making me sad so that must go and I will find better and life would be perfect. And another reason that I knew it wasn't that I was just a selfish bitch who thought this guy wasn't good enough was because it was the same with everything - whatever was to blame for causing this cycle. Friends, jobs, living situation, family, my fat, my looks, and on and on and on. Because there had to be a reason. I've been crying every day for a week - there has to be a reason! I just didn't find the right reason.

And my "from scratch" theory comes into it, too. Each cycle, on the way up, I would be thinking I have to stop this and this is what the problem is and when I stop it life will be perfect. I can start from scratch and lose weight and get a new job and move to a new place. And all of these things kept me going, kept me occupied and then I could start again. The cycle was me going in circles because I got to a certain point and the world came crashing down again and so on.

Here is my struggle now because this is still evolving. I am having super concentrate teenage years and learning about myself for real at lightning speed.

Solid start from scratch and step one - I would start exercising - yadda, yadda, yadda. But I would get to step three and fall back down to step one. And I never got past step three. So here I am at step four and five and six and I'm lost. I've never been here before and I don't know what I'm supposed to do next. I lost 30 pounds and stopped. I have lost 30 pounds four different times in my adult life - but I have never lost more. That's where it stopped because there would inevitably be a crash

-- fuck, figuring this stuff out is awesome! --

and the eating and self loathing came back and so did the pounds. So last year, chemically enhanced, I lost 30 pounds and stopped. And I kept it off - for the first time ever - but I didn't know where to go next because I never had before. And I tried this and that but nothing seemed to work. And it was quite frustrating. And now I'm pretty sure I figured it out and the weight will fall off naturally. there is no more binging because I don't feel those extremes anymore.

And, so, way back in April when I was feeling a little frustrated with Fabian, and we didn't talk for a little bit - step three - when I got past that, I didn't know where to go next. Because I never had. I could have just called him and said hey, how's it going? But it escalated and I didn't call and he didn't call and all of a sudden two months had passed and all I could think was that this isn't what I want. After three years this is as far as we've come? So I said let's stop the cycle. What I didn't realize was that the cycle had already stopped and what I was having trouble with was how, for the first time in my life, do I get to the next step?

Okay, I'll give you a topic:

"The depression cycle and how it pertains to the men in my life"

Concentrate on the "from scratch" theory.

Talk amongst yourselves!!

So, why doesn't he just call already, do you think? Oh, that's funny! After much moaning and groaning I have decided that the very best thing that I can do to prove (if only to myself) that I have changed is to let him go. I put it out there and if he wants me, now or ever, he will let me know. Chances are slim but I just have to live with the fact that it wasn't meant to be if it wasn't meant to be.

I guess it's just that I can't imagine anyone but him. I guess I'll get over that eventually but I've never felt like this. No matter how much I cared about people before Fabe, alcohol could definitely numb the feelings. But not once since the day I met Fabe have I seriously wanted anyone else.

But how's to say things would be different this time? Admitting the problem is supposed to be the first step to resolving it. Will I be more aware next time I'm with someone and make more of an effort when there's a problem? Or will I just fade away again?

I feel like a recovering alcoholic these days - without the drinking problem! On one hand my mind is constantly trying to figure out why. Why do I keep breaking up with people that I care about? It saddens me to think that it's selfishness and that I think I can to better. Will I ever stay and actually try to make it work?

Also, the AA theory is that you have to face people that you've wronged in the past. I keep thinking of all of the things that my warped mind conjured up, all of the selfishness. It's a little unnerving, to tell the truth. It's like the time that I sat in front of that mirror and thought "holy shit, how did I get so fat?" It's like I've been in my own little world for so long that I'm waking up from someone else's life. Surely that wasn't me?

Here's what I wrote at work this morning - 6:33am

"Sucks. Ah, this sucks. I woke up this morning from a dream that he emailed me back. Some garbled message about him getting up at 14:14:25 and he would meet me after that. Maybe it was the year and not the time! Anyway, obviously no email back. And who can blame him, quite frankly. He would be out of his mind to come back to me. But I put it out there and that's all I can do. I won't regret it. I won't hate myself for laying it all out there and getting my heart crushed. I'm not going back to the old habits and pining away for him. I have a lot of living to do. I still believe in that old Garth Brooks song about unanswered prayers. It just means that there is something better out there waiting for me. I guess I'm really not ready for it but I will be eventually. It's PMS time, anyway, so I can't think that this bummer mood is an accurate meter for how I feel in a couple of days, weeks, years. I guess this week's lesson is patience... haven't quite mastered that one yet."

Sucks, Part II - 12:18pm

"Here are some of today's realizations! (It's so nice to have this head! I love this head!!) So, I have been a very selfish person. That's funny, I always thought that I was kind and nice and laid back and easy going. Damn, was my head buried in the sand? It's interesting - the view that we have of ourselves. And, bit by bit, you allow it, the truth shows it's ugly head. Let's start with selfish. And I don't mean that in a bad way, it's just that I always thought of myself and of how everything pertained to me. I know everyone does that to a certain extent, and there is a large part of self preservation mixed up in this theory but, for the most part, it was all about me. It does amuse me that this whole life strategy that I have been practising lately is actually how I've always lived. And now, after pondering that strategy, I don't really want to live it anymore. I always thought that I did a lot for other people... you know, like how Mom could get me to do anything when I was growing up by guilting me into it? But I never wanted to. I didn't give because I wanted to give of myself... I gave because 1. I thought that was how you get people to love you and 2. because I didn't know how to say no. That second thing kind of reverts back to the first, though, because I think the reason that I couldn't say no was because I thought that whoever I was saying no to wouldn't like me anymore."

Part 3 - 8:33pm

Okay, then I continued into some interesting comparisons to Cathy which I really would like to revisit but right now there's something else. Men. No shit, huh? No, I was lying in bed wondering about the similarities between my relationship - read : ending of - with Dave and Fabe. And Paul to a certain extent. Not Karl, though. I think because Karl was some weird adventure outside of myself. Wait. Karl, sort of, too, yeah. Okay. So almost every single time, only once with Paul and Karl but over and over with Dave and Fabe, what was the reason? It was because I wanted more. Because I felt something was missing. And I truly loved both Dave and Fabe but kept breaking up with them anyway (even after my mental stability drugs). So, what was missing? When looking for a common thread here, I can only come up with one. Me. Did I have fantasy visions of what love was supposed to be due to my extensive reading of romance novels at a young age? Yes. Did I feel like I was missing something very important and I had to go look for it? Yes. So, what was missing? With Karl it was the affection and physical contact but I had that in abundance with Fabe. You know, when it all comes down to it, I think that the true reason can only be one thing. The piano. Ha! Decipher that one, if you will! Okay, let me break it down for you. It means two things.

First of all, when I took piano lessons in grade 6 or 7 I quit very quickly although I really wanted to learn to play. Why? Because I wanted to KNOW how to play - I didn't want to learn! Yes, I figured it would take some effort but actual work? Count me out! I try to stick with things that come naturally. Or, like exercise, things that cause physical pain if I don't do them! So, in relationships, do I walk away? When the going gets tough, do I get going? Omigod, the answer is yes. Big time! In every way, every relationship to some degree. But I thought that a lot of that was just exacerbated by the depression. I truly believe it was because it was my reaction to the problem. And old habits, right? I know right now my main focus needs to be adjusting old habits.

Okay, and my second point about the piano. And this goes hand in hand with my not so flattering comparisons of me and Cathy. When I asked Cathy why she wanted to leave Gerard, do you know what one of her reasons were? Because he had promised her a piano and she didn't get it. So she left. That's called grasping at straws! But it's also called feeling that something is wrong but making very little if no effort to fix it. Hmmm."

Well, I just jumped... took the leap... put myself out there. My heart is pounding but we'll see, we'll see.

I just sent an email asking him to go out for "coffee or come over or something". I'm really putting myself out there. I said "I don't know what it's going to take to get you to give me just one more chance but I really feel the need to try. And I don't want to go out and be all deep or something. I just want to chat and laugh and listen to your stories. I miss you and just want to see you."

And so I'll sit here in front of the computer for a week or so and every time I see and email come in I'll want to throw up. And then I'll cry and probably throw things. And then I'll get up and move on with my life. That's the plan.

Ugh! My stomach is yucky!

So, seriously, how long is this supposed to last, anyway? Maybe I just need to have a good pre-menstral cry or something. But I'm fighting it. It's sexual frustration.

Well, I think it's time I gave poor Fabian a rest. It's obvious that he's moved on and whatever attempts that I make to contact him are purely selfish and probably wistful. I asked him to let me go, to stop the cycle and he has. I would love to see him if only to catch up but I've put that word out there enough by calling a couple of weeks ago and sending that email. If he wanted to see me, he knows he could. Time for a rest. Stop chasing and chill, girlfriend. The new Beverly does not need to do that... old habits, remember?

Still no word from the Fabe but that's no big shock. There is still a small glimmer of hope in me but, at the same time, I realize that all of his trust and faith in me has long since been shattered. I guess that was the sacrifice that needed to be made to get my world straightened out. And, as much as I love Fabe and as much as I would love for things to work out between us, I really feel that it was an easy trade. Without all that I have been through since meeting him, I know that if things hadn't changed I would be no good for anyone. In fact, I doubt I would have been around for much longer. So, when all is said and done, I would rather be alone for the rest of my life than be the person that I was two years ago. That would be the easiest choice ever.

The hard part of this right now is - do I just move on? It's hard to know. I know nothing about his life anymore. Maybe it's better if I let him go. I'm not going to chase him or something stupid like old Bev. And, as it said in the email that I got today, "if a man wants you, nothing can keep him away; if he doesn't want you, nothing can make him stay."

And one small reminder, Beverly. You are entering PMS time so nothing that is felt this week is really as dramatic as it seems!

"And then I realized that I do have faith - faith in myself, faith that one day I would meet someone who would be sure that I was the one." - Carrie Bradshaw, Sex and the City

And, anyway!! I just reread this and it sounds like Fabe was jerking me around or something. Am I only remembering the good? I reread my old list from long ago on the why-nots and, quite frankly, they are shallow! I was grasping at straws. Yes, I'd like him to get his own place. But whatever. Do I care what the hell he drives? Do I care what he does for a living? And he bitches about people - have I ever met a man that didn't? Have you met my father? And he was there for me and I pushed him away. I let him closer than anyone has ever been and then gave him a great big shove. I didn't think he was good enough and I let him know it. And probably only confirmed his belief in himself. Muther fucker.

Hello, frustration! Have you met regret?

Here's my horoscope for today (they are always wrong but this one made me laugh):

A LACK OF CONTACT BETWEEN YOU AND A ROMANTIC PARTNER COULD HAVE YOU FEELING RATHER DEPRESSED TODAY, DEAR SCORPIO. YOU MIGHT BE TEMPTED TO JUMP TO THE ERRONEOUS CONCLUSION THAT YOUR BELOVED NO LONGER CARES FOR YOU AND THAT'S WHY YOUR PHONE ISN'T RINGING. DON'T FALL INTO THIS TRAP. IF YOU TRY TO BE OBJECTIVE, YOU'LL REALIZE THAT THIS ISN'T TRUE. CHANCES ARE YOUR FRIEND IS HELD UP IN SOME WAY AND WILL CALL AS SOON AS THERE IS AN OPPORTUNITY.