"I got my new eyes today!"

That's what I just put on my twitter. Then I LOL'ed a bit... ha... lol. Something inside me switched. I think it's time. I think I'm okay now. I think I'm even ready to change the password on this blahg. That life (this life today and for the last time) is not for me anymore. Any. More.

I wrote a story last night. Started. Can you believe that? And the days that I wasn't high were so much more fun than the days when I was. It's almost like... almost like the end of my fucking around days. And the end of my smoking days. The end of my Newfoundland days. The end of my Wabush days. Mother fucker. It's the same thing, new generation. I'M PEPSI!

Now I'm going to go read my old blahg one more time and burn it. Metaphorically speaking, of course. (Because, as much as everyone was right when they said I would regret it if I burned my old books, as much as they were right, it was a ceremonial thing almost, graduating to the next stage of life, as I am doing right now with you, including too many commas.)

I think I know now. Everything has fallen together on a larger scale, now it's time for the details... as much as I hate the details. Time for a commitment, as much as I've always hated commitment. It's time to settle down. To be part of a family. Someday! Slow the fuck down, woman! (haha... ya... only I, at the tender age of 38, would take that as fast. haha... let the games begin.) *insert smiley face here.

I think I found a new wall... sort of...

Or maybe I just figured out my brother's wall. I'm always trying to figure out my brother's wall. Everyone thinks that I am fed up with him but I'm kind of testing him.

* Fucking healthy food is even starting to ruin my mediocre stuff. I've already started getting disgusted at the thought of take out... McDonald's is over. But my crackers taste like shit, probably stale... the old me would notice and wouldn't care. *

** See the way my mind works? This is the thought process. I had to go all the way through that to realize that my crackers are stale. Sigh. More on that later, perhaps. **

Brother's wall, testing, right. Of course I'm testing him but perhaps in different ways than I am conscious of. I say that I'm trying to see how long it will be before he actually visits. I can't believe it's been almost a whole year since I saw him. Since that night of the xtreme fighting... and it came home from the bar with us... the shouting part anyway.

Let me put it this way. My brother? Is an ass. Dick to the largest degree. It's sad really because he is such a cool guy. Such a cool guy. You would not believe the following he had in high school. The following. People just sparkled when he would talk to them. He just had this way of drawing people in. Oh, he was good looking. Lots of people are good looking. The stupid girls would try to be friends with me so they could come to my house to be near my brother. Drove me crazy! But it was more than looks. It was charisma. It was confidence. It was strength of character. At least that's who I saw when I looked at him.

I feel that I really need to add a little background information. It bothers me to even bring this up because he is my brother as much as anyone ever could be. He was adopted. Our father was adopted, too, so we knew that a child could be brought in to a family and become a legitimate part of them. (the fact that our father wasn't fully aware of that was really sad, though)

As children the fact that Tom was adopted had no bearing on our lives, other than the way he convinced me - and I'm certain he believed this to a large degree - that he was better because Mom and Dad picked him but with the rest of us they had to just take what they got. He told me that Mom and Dad walked down this long hall full of cribs with the cutest babies in it and they picked him because he was the cutest of the cutest. It sounded plausible to me. And the girls at school all thought he was the cutest of the cutest. Even the women kind of flustered when he looked into their eyes. He owned the world. And he was my brother.

But there was always this asshole underneath the surface. He'd come out every now and then. I thought it was just irritating brother stuff. We had a few fights. He had fights with our older sister when she lived at home, too... it seemed only natural. I'd be going about my day and suddenly I would say something that set him off and he would go ape shit on my ass. Absolutely. Ape. Shit. (When reminiscing, we often talk about that time. The fights "we" had. Honestly? I was fucking shit baked of the guy... I was just trying to protect myself. No, that's bullshit for the most part, I absolutely did my share of the screaming and hitting. But I was afraid of him, don't doubt it for a minute.)

Like I said, I thought it was just brother stuff until I started hanging around with his girlfriend. Perhaps that was a large problem in their relationship? I was a witness from the olden days. He still lost it with me, reasonably often. But he lost it with her, too. There was no hitting - sorry if I misled you. It wasn't like that, he would just lose his temper about something as stupid as the weather and start banging cupboard doors and stuff. (I think that's what was scary. He just lost control. That's very unnerving to be around.)

So, back to the wall.

Did someone say complicated?

Okay, I guess that was a load of crap then. The no more highs. I think they still lurk.

So, I quit my job. Yes, I did. It was actually kind of interesting to read my last post because I totally forgot about what it said. I was right to a degree about the no more absolute yeses or nos - but I still have to feel right with it to make a firm decision. This one was hard because there are no absolutes, because I both love and hate my job (it felt like breaking up with Ian again!) but, when I stopped to think about it, I understood that I at least have to know what it's like somewhere else. And when I asked myself if I had done everything in my power to fix what was wrong and to find a way to stay and answered no, I had not... and I felt perfectly okay with that.

It's time to jump again. Obviously my instincts are telling me something - the anarchy... can't take the absolute constant anarchy of the place! - and I follow those instincts now, right? Actually, the thing that made up my mind for me was when I realized that I lost that happiness and questioned whether it was even real. It has to be. I will not live my life complaining all the time, being pissed off and exhausted, avoiding social situations and destroying my health. This was a nice lesson... back one step, forward two... that is called learning. I like learning.

Now, let's see what happens!!!

What do I want?

I feel like I've lost something. I've been trying to figure out what. I realized today that perhaps the highs that I have been chasing my whole life don't really exist without the lows. The lows are gone now. And it's not that I feel like I can't be happy, I think I was just expecting to be exorbitantly happy... because, if you're not HAPPPPPY then you must be sad, right? Now I just am. And, quite sadly, a large part of me is missing the HI-GHs. I guess it's true, there is just no pleasing me.

But now it's time to just start living my life. Again. Still. Finally.

Just not really sure what that means at this exact moment. Should I try for that other job? It would be a half hour (absolute minimum) commute each way... I actually enjoyed commuting way back but that was because I was living with Karl and very excited to have alone time without him. (Maybe with a commute I could handle a relationship!) It pisses me off to go to work these days... but is that just the way it's going to be at any job and I have unrealistically high expectations? Actually, that's part of the reason that I want to change jobs - at least then I will know.

I want to know if every place is run like that... a.k.a. very badly. I want to know if this is the right industry for me, as much as I feel that it is. I want to know if maybe I would be happier in a simple casual position instead of running the place. I want to know what it would be like to be actually trained to do my job. I want to know if this is the next step and if I should take it.

I knew about this assistant manager job opening for a while but last week I really felt like I'm ready to... ready to what? Ready to leave where I am? It's been four months. I love the residents. I even love Jane, my boss, even though I think she is not cut out for this position. And what if she fucks up enough to lose her job and I get it? Then I have to work for/with Cora? Hells no. Hells no. At least this way I will know if I'm living in a fantasy world and then I can work with that. I just don't know if it's time. And in my life philosophy, if the answer isn't yes, then it has to be no. But fuck my life philosophy! What do I know, right? There is no guarantee that I will even get it... at least if I apply, I will have an actual decision to make. Why do I make life so complicated?

Oh my: POF

I work with independent seniors and I constantly think that
if life really is about survival of the fittest, then these are the people who win.
Everyone's body deteriorates differently and there is only so much you can do about it.
Just as we all developed at different paces and in different ways, our bodies will break down, too.
But to get all the way to the finish line?
That means you did something right.
I want to get there
(or as close as I damn well can)
and I want to know that I did everything I could to be who I am,
to be happy,
to be who I wanted me to be.
Not who I thought everyone else wanted me to be
or even who everyone seemed to think I was
but as me.
Not that I got there despite my best efforts,
b-i-t-c-h-ing about it all the way.
I want to get to the finish line knowing that I improved the world,
if only in some small way,
that I had made a difference in someone's life,
that I put a smile where there hadn't been one before,
that I had raised a child
or reached out a helping hand to someone in need.
Not because someone stood on an alter and said I was supposed to
and not because it was politically correct and someone was watching
but because maybe they will turn around and reach out a helping hand to someone else.
And if they didn't deserve a helping hand,
I think maybe it's worth the chance,
and maybe there's a chance they would realize that they could deserve it.
My finish line is a long, long way away
but I know that I will get there with a smile on my face and peace in my heart.
And I guess I'm keeping my eyes open
for the person I might want to go there with,
for a life time, for a day,
or anything in between.
(Because, let's face it, when you get old you get to use dementia as an excuse to fool around on each other!! lol)

Facebook quiz: What kind of mask do you wear?

Pain


Your mask is pain. For some reason or another you just can't seem to find a positive outlook on life. You get angry when people try to relate with how you feel, because you're convinced they won't understand. Deep down you know there should be a million reasons for people to want to get to know you, but you often find yourself closing yourself off from those around you. You have your select friends, but can't help but want something more. You find opening up difficult, but you do find your ways to let things out. You have your good days, but even through the good times, you feel like there is always going to be those feelings that don't sit right.



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Ouch. Still? Really? I don't think so anymore... I think I'm just still learning my new outlook on life because I realized that that one didn't fit. My mother? My sister? Mmhmm.

Facebook quiz: How old a soul are you?

Very Old Soul


When the winds of change blow, you sense the outcome ahead of others, having seen so much before. Surprises come in smaller forms to you, as in the unexpected experiences of the senses, deepening your appreciation of the physical. You want life to last so you can explore your mature understanding of existence. You have become patient with the younger souls, understanding their paths and of the challenges they face. You forgive much, often acting as mentor without pushing your beliefs upon others. You give without great expectations of receiving. Love has become the most valued concept in your universe - this life may be your quest to perfect your ability to express and receive perfect love. Thoughts of dying do not fill you with dread, as you understand death is a part of life, and life is a process of becoming... so death is a graduation, not an end. At rest, you feel at one with the universe and are grateful for your current home, Earth. You have a heartfelt affinity for history - the connections to various periods throughout time are undeniable. Very old souls are adept at recognizing other old souls... mutual respect forms naturally between them.

Facebook quiz: What is your inner self?

A Universal Person


You are a perfect balance of everything. You've gone through a fair share of things and you are able to put yourself in other peoples shoes. You are caring and understanding. You are fun and warm to be around. You tend to help people. You know what it is like to be at an all time low and you know how to deal with things. You consider all of your friends to be "good friends. You are kinda like the Goldie Locks of personalities. The things you do are practical, but sensitive to whom it would affect. You are at ease with yourself, and have spent a good deal of time finding yourself, and now that you have, you've finally bloomed into something beautiful. Thanks for taking this quiz, I hope you enjoyed it.



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Wow.

Facebook quiz: What is your best trait?

Compassion

You don't judge others' faults but rather have compassion on them and what they are going through. Your first instinct when you see someone in need is to comfort them and show them how much you care. You are gracious, and love flows out of you naturally. Even in situations where most people would back away, you are right there for people with your arms wide open. You feel empathy for those who suffer, and this might be because of your kind nature or maybe even because you can relate; whatever the reason, you help heal wounds and are a shoulder to cry on.



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I think this might be why I'm good at what I do, working with seniors. They allow me to be this. I always thought it was weakness and stupid, it wasn't what I wanted to be so I hated it and became something else. And this is what I have learned again - but this time I know it's okay.