God, this is hard. Why do I get so encouraged at night and feel so shitty in the day? I could just put my head down and be by myself for a month.

I DON'T WANT TO BE THIS PERSON ANYMORE!

I feel like I'm drowning and I can't find my way to the surface. Stop! Stop! Fucking STOP! I had my first suicidal thought in a couple of months yesterday. It really caught me off guard. I made myself go to the gym this morning, even though my 'buttock' has been bothering me. I even tried to make myself smile, enjoy myself. What a joke! Spent the rest of the day pissed off and almost crying in the grocery store, pigging out on chips and dip and chocolate, sleeping. I don't want to be this person - I haven't seen her for so long and I don't like her. I have to get rid of her.

Well, then, in light of the date and impending new year, I decided to write a little bit about how I've been getting off track and what I need to do to get back on. I know that life, especially for me during this extremely life altering year, is made up of a kind of two steps forward, one step back and I'm okay with that. I know that the new habits that I form will take a while to stick and it will take some work. A lot of work. And that's why I'm here.

Okay, let's start with what's wrong because I am getting bothered. I'm showing lots of signs and for each one I'm going "is that my depression" "am I okay?" and the more that I've been asking that lately, the more bothered I'm becoming. Because one or two of those things alone will make me stop and think but all of them together just down right scares me. Like what, you say? Exercising less, eating more, not wanting the nights to end because that means that tomorrow will be here soon, burying my head in the sand, not wanting to face my responsiblilites, not knowing how to spell! (that was a joke so I can't be all that bad!), saying "I don't want to" far too often, being late for work, underachieving, feeling the burden of the world on my shoulders, can I stop now? This is getting depressing!

But this is the part that I wanted to get to. How will I fix it and get back on track? The obvious, eat better and get more exercise? The exercise part is rough because I haven't backed off it willingly. The ole tennis buttock is acting up. But I'm sure I could still manage some stretches and slow walking. I don't have to give in all together just because I can't do as much as I want. The eating is just a matter of getting the bad food out over here and getting more of the good stuff in. I've been slipping back into not wanting salads, cleaning off my plate, late night snacking, etc. And what I have to do is go back into training mode, keep a food journal for a while, have fruit when I want something sweet, leave a bit on my plate always, get used to not eating just because it's there.

Hellew me! Been sitting on the couch all day today. Had fun - Fabe and I have just been hanging out and watching DVEDs but I feel that it's time to get off my ass again.

Doing the whole New Year's thinking again, I guess. My weight loss has been good - about 32 pounds in 8 months but I feel like I'm stuck on a plateau and it's time to shove off.

It goes something like this:

"Fabian,

I have really enjoyed spending time with you over the past couple of months. It feels different this time. I am such a different person emotionally now and I appreciate you giving me the time and space that I needed to adjust.

This is not one of my old break-up letters. I still want to see you and only you but I feel that we are moving toward repeating old mistakes and I don't want to do that. I think that each time we have stopped and started seeing each other we have missed an important step. We have never really dated. We seem to deal in all or nothing, practically living together or not speaking at all. I realize that I am the main reason for that, I placed a lot of demands on you early on, but his is important to me and it would mean a lot.

So, can we move back a step? Can we slow down and just date for a while?

I'm frustrating myself trying to find a way to explain what I mean and I don't want to set up a bunch of rules and guidelines here. Simply put, I want to go out with you sometimes. Nothing fancy... a walk on a sunny afternoon, a meal, a movie, a drive to the mountains, whatever. Even just playing your video games for an hour or two or listening to your radio shows by the fire sometimes. (And, by the way, my biggest unrealized dream is to be given flowers for no reason at all... hint, hint!) I want it to not be assumed that you will come over every day or that you will sleep over every night. I want us both to be able to say "no, not tonight" sometimes and not have it turn into some big deal. I want to have fun with you for a while and not get into all of that emotional stuff that comes with a deeper relationship yet.

I like the way things have been between us this time and I feel silly trying to fix something that really isn't broken. When I emailed you (for sex!) in October, I honestly didn't expect this all to start up again. I'm glad that it has and I like having you in my life but things are moving too fast again. And (roll your eyes if you must) I feel that I need to back up a bit before I go forward."

But this is all probably never going to be said, after all the sniffing and snotting. A little PMS emotion going on here lately. And maybe he didn't call today because he was put out by the whole 'you rejected me so now I'm going to reject you' weirdness last night. Or maybe he just had a rough day. Either way, it's okay. I'll get my feeling across somehow. I don't need to send him a big, long blubbering letter. I need to learn how to talk to him and let my feelings out instead of always, of course you can come over, of course you can stay all night. He's still dealing with the old me in a lot of ways and getting to know the new me will be a process. And maybe it will end and maybe it won't. I'm just not going to worry about that right now. I'm just going to enjoy myself and let the chips fall where they may.

Ow, my hand hurts! Ow, I should be asleep like four fricken hours ago!!

Yep, still here. I just tried the letter. It feels silly asking a man that seems to practically live here sometimes to date me. I guess I can just feel him rolling his eyes or making some snarky mark about women.

And so what, really. We are emotional. We do need definitive moments in our lives. We do need someone to make us feel special. Is that wrong? And right now, at this point when I think of any kind of future with Fabian, into my head pops "But I've never had someone give me flowers. And I want that, I need that. I require that. I won't live my life without that." If he doesn't offer it then I have to get it from somewhere else. Which means not being with Fabian, which means if I want to be with him then I need to get it from him or not at all.

And then the old - so do I want to be with someone that just doesn't get it? Who's going to be so much work? Or is any man going to be any different? Sigh. Being alone is much easier. Maybe I should just go stock up on batteries and call it a day!!

This is so funny... I feel like I'm studying. I read some of the book, put it down, write some notes, review previous parts of the book. Funny - but I'm learning. Maybe eventually I'll pass this course. Just need to keep taking the test.

Okay so maybe I should start dealing with this backing up thing by writing him a letter. Not to give to him but to get my thoughts in order for when I do approach the subject.

I'm so funny now (did I not mention that 1000 times?). He didn't call tonight and that's odd because he's been calling everyday, all day. So, instead of getting into what could be wrong, what did I do wrong, does he want someone else, I should call him to make sure he knows I care, muther fucker what is his problem, muther fucker how dare he, blah, blah, blah, I'm all hmmmm. Okay. That's all - no freak out! I'm normal! I'm mentally stable! I love me!!

Well then! It's been over a month since I wrote in here. Still seeing Fabe. Still going well, too, for the most part. Still reading these self help books that would drive him crazy but they are making a huge difference.

I read "He's Just Not That into You" or something along those lines. It was really interesting because it was written by a man. And the main lesson is if he's into you, nothing will stop him from being with you. Not past relationships, not crappy childhoods, not issues with mother. And I guess what it made me realize is that I was spending all of my time making excuses for Fabe's behavior instead of realizing that I (we) were just moving too fast in the beginning and it was causing us to hit a wall and come to a dead stop.

So now I'm reading another "Mars & Venus" book called "Mars & Venus On a Date". I found the first to be really helpful in understanding the male/female psyche but it wasn't telling me what I needed to know for the start of a relationship. This one really has. For one thing, I give way too much away too soon. I never let Fabian (or anyone else) chase me. I jumped right in to trying to be everything for them right away. I remember one point when I was really pissed off about having to not show my true self. I said I would do the same thing for any guest, make sure they had a toothbrush, cook meals, etc so why the hell do I have to pretend to be something I'm not because men took it the wrong way? Well, our Dr. Gray simply says - yes. You have to not put it all out there right away. That's it, too bad. What I didn't consider, I guess, was that my intentions didn't necessarily come through as I meant them. I have to consider less of what I mean and more of what they see.

He also talks about the five stages of dating... let's see if I can remember them: 1. attraction, 2. uncertainty, 3. exclusivity, 4. intimacy and 5. engagement. So, Fabe and I go from attraction to intimacy, I then assume exclusivity, then uncertainty then break up, go back to intimacy and start the cycle again. We've never really dated. We didn't go through the point where he is supposed to pursue me. And I guess I've always had a bit of a problem with that. I guess I've always had this thing where I don't need a man. I can take care of myself so I never let him pay for our dates and hold open the door for me, blah, blah. Apparently that's an important step fro a man. Who knew?

Things have been going really well and he's really making more of an effort now that I am not making myself so available but I still feel that we've skipped something. And obviously it's something that I really feel that I need because it's always a big part of why I break up with him. And maybe to avoid the old process again we should go back a bit. It's the courting part. The dating. We always skip that. I know he'll think I'm silly and I know that it will be hard but I'm already feeling the pressure of him being here too much and taking too much liberty with my home and my things.

The other day he was here when I wasn't. For a while. And, honestly, it bothered me because this is my space. Then I started thinking that, well, I gave him the key and it's not really right to put restrictions on that but is that how I really feel or is it easier to suppress my feelings than confront the issue? And there was a week or so that he was here constantly and it was really getting to be a bit much (so, you see? sometimes he does move faster than me!) He has backed off of that, though. I really should talk to him about the dating thing, though. How the hell am I supposed to do that??

Weight 194 (total lost 31 lbs)

I've been reading the Mars/Venus book again and I think I should be taking notes to remind myself of his good advice and insight for the times that I actually need it. Not only for Fabian but for men in general. (Mm hmmm!)

Anyway, this book is totally written about Fabe. Instead of saying 'men' are this way, it should be 'Fabe' is this way. One thing that really stands out is the cave and his penchant for Fabe time. How he pulls away when I am getting close. I do punish him for that. I take it personally and I promise myself that I'm not going to put myself out there again. But Dr. Gray says that when men come back from the cave they need to be shown that it was okay to go and also that is the best time for the emotional stuff. That's so true. That's the time when we have more romantic sex, when we touch more and when he tells me that he cares for me. Unfortunately, it's when we get back together from a breakup because I react the exact opposite of what he needs.

I hate it when he pulls away and I always take it personally. Sometimes I follow him, usually I stay away and go into my little girl cave (a pink cave... with frills!) and just hate him for hurting me.

But I've always said that the point I think that our relationship, or his trust in me (to be more to the point) was damaged during that first breakup. And, when you consider his past, it's no surprise. I don't really remember the time line but I do remember that for my birthday that year he took me out to supper. That seemed like such a small obvious thing to me that I didn't realize that it was a hard thing for him. It was him being exposed by giving. And I spent the night crying because I didn't have a cake. So he left. He went into his cave and I cahsed him so he stayed even longer and then I broke it off. But, according to Dr. Gray "a man's deepest fear is that he's not good enough or that he is incompetent... To extend himself in giving to others means to risk failure, correction or disapproval. These consequences are most painful because deep inside his unconscious he holds an incorrect belief that he is not good enough (thank you Fabe's mother)... He wants to give but is afraid of failing, so he doesn't try."

He also goes on to say that if the man cares a lot, the fear of failure increases and he'll be even less apt to take the risk. His defense is 'I don't care' and his insecurity will not let him feel. He needs to learn how to give more by realizing that it's okay to make mistakes. And apparently crying and telling him he didn't do good enough didn't help him to realize that! And it sure as hell didn't make him want to try again. Therefore, for every occasion, he is non-existent. But how do I go back or how do I start now to let him realize that it's okay to make mistakes? I've always had so much trouble with talking. I'm more apt to let it build and build and then blow up (thank you, Mom). I am getting better though but I really am afraid to offending or hurting him. And Dr. Gray says that the times I did try to bolster him up when he did something, I totally over did it, which is just as bad. Crap, this is rough stuff!

But, here's what I say right now. I'm in a totally different place. When I walked way last time it was a decision that I thought was permanent and so I worked on building my life into what I wanted it to be. And I love my life right now. And I don't need a man. And I don't want a relationship right now. I've got too much going on. So maybe now is the right time to figure this out, once and for all.

I really like Dr. Gray's rubber band analogy. He says that a man's intimacy cycle is like a rubber band. At some point he feels a need to pull away, to rediscover his self, and when he is able to pull away without guilt or bad feelings he will be able to snap back and the relationship will grow even stronger.

I've never let anyone pull away from my. He got mad at me one night and wanted to leave in the middle of the night. I should have let him go without getting in my car and following, without getting so upset. But I think when he pulls away because of feeling inadequate he has trouble coming back. But, still, that's his choice.

Fabe is very big on his alone time and I totally understand it to a point. But I also see the pressure that I caused. Like when he would say he'd be over after work - I would figure out what time he should be home and, therefore, what time he should be here. And, when he was late, as he invariably was, I would get mad because he was being inconsiderate by making me wait. But I should have gone about my own thing and had supper or done whatever. And, instead of calling and telling him off or being pissy when he finally got here, I could have just said 'hey, I'd appreciate a call'. Not go into the whys and hows and what-fors. Just say what I need to say and move on. Why have I always been so big on punishment? I guess it's my whole 'I'll hurt you first' attitude. Insecurity, negative levels of self esteem.

I learned a lot about my own cycle of dealing with things with Tom last week. I guess because it happened faster and on a different scale than with Fabe, or boys in general. First is upset, then anger. The 'who do you think you are and why should I give you what you want' mode. Then I get it out, talk about it, mull it over a bit, then I get over it. Instead of 'why the hell do I have to kiss his ass' I realized that by kissing his ass I get what I want. So it makes him feel good, too - bonus - but mainly I get what I want! I need to learn to play it up more. =) Damn, this whole self-confidence thing is just neat!!

One thing that I do have to remember about Fabe is that he does care about me. Even when he goes away for a while. Even when he gets hurt and rejected so easily. Even though he often has trouble saying it, he does care about me. Right now I'm just not sure if that's enough in the long term. So I'm not thinking long term. It's right here and right now and let's see. He may never be able to offer me what I need and I think that me realizing that will help. Not by me pulling away emotionally as I have always done but by feeling less pressure - both of us.

You know what's funny? And not 'a horse walks into a bar' funny. And not 'look at that chick's hair' funny. But, like, hmmmm funny. Yeah. ANYWAY! When I look in the mirror and say god you're cute and damn I'm gonna be gorgeous, isn't that the same reflection that I turned away from for the past 20ish years? That's funny. Damn, I'm sexy!

Just got home from Les Miserables. It was just amazing. Man, to be able to sing like that! The music just fills me up.

Anyway, back to me! I'm so different. My head is such a different place to be. The confidence. The self respect. I ROCK!

But I'm tired and must to snack and HIT HAY!

I wrote this today in an email to Julie - that I didn't send...

'Men suck! Yep, all of 'em... lovers, coworkers, even brothers! I am so hopping mad at my brother right now and I have no where to vent it! I could beet him to a pulp if he were here. Not really because he's much stronger than I am and he fights dirty but you know what I mean! Anyway, he's such a big baby! I was talking to Mom the other day and she said that she is coming on the 17th now instead of the 18th. Well, I had already promised Sheena and two of her friends that I would take them out to supper and then to the Greenday concert that night. So I said Tom could probably pick her up, not to worry. After I got off the phone, I called Stacey about something else and, in passing, as we were hanging up because she was in a rush to bring Tom to the airport, I asked if Tom was working on the 17th and maybe he could pick Mom up. And then I said to tell Tom congratulations on his promotion (which Mom told me about... I even said to Mom isn't it funny that I have to hear about his promotion through her when he and I live 20 minutes apart). Well, when Stacey relayed those two things he got all pissy and actually started a fight with her because I should have called him and told him congratulations myself and not to tell him what to do because he had plans on the 17th, too and who the hell do I think I am? What a scum bag! Now Stacey is all upset about having a fight with him and being caught in the middle. I can't rag him out because then he'll know that Stacey told me, I can't tell Mom because she'll get into her 'pack your bags, you're going on a guilt trip' mode and say 'well, I just won't come then'. And, to top it all off, I can't go to a concert that I was really looking forward to and now Stacey and I aren't going to the Trews concert tonight that I was really looking forward to because Tom gets back from his trip tonight and she needs to kiss his ass for a while so he won't be mad at her anymore. I can't stand that asshole! Like grow the hell up, you big baby! (and you know that I'm controlling my swearing because you're at work!) The thing he apparently doesn't get is that, if I weren't friends with Stacey, I probably would have no contact with him at all. Is he jealous because I like her better? Well, I do but it's his fault. When he had that big flip out at me last year, all of my unnecessary dealings with him ended. The only reason that I backed down and decided to be civil with him is because of Stacey. I don't need someone in my life that speaks to me like I am a piece of garbage... I don't care who he is. You know, just a couple of days ago I was thinking that it was too bad our relationship had gotten where it had because I kind of miss talking to him and getting his advice and encouragement but thank you for reminding me what a jerk you really are because I'm over those feelings now. Why should he get to be a big goddamn baby and everyone else has to suffer? Like I was telling him 'what to do'... I guess that's the same as asking him for a favor and it's my mistake to think that any man would do something for me out of the kindness of his heart or something. I repeat: MEN SUCK! Is there one on the planet that doesn't?'

Crap, my hand is tired now. But, seriously! My vent helped, though. It was weighing heavily earlier but I had a bit of a cry while I wrote that and it helped. I need to stop writing and go to bed!

Omigod! I love my new head! Have I mentioned this before? The clarity of my mind? The control over my thoughts? The ability to rationalize and not obsess? Omigod! What fun, what fun! I love me!! =)

Fabe just left. I was torturing myself before he got here, wondering if he would want to stay over, wondering how I could say no. This little itty bitty part of me wanted him to, for cuddling, but I didn't want the whole next morning stuff. Me waiting on him, him changing the channels on my tv, me waiting for him to leave. I'm liking this little thing we have going for the most part. I find myself verring down old avenues periodically but eventually I get back on course. No, not eventually, rather quickly. I keep fighting any notion of any kind of future between us. The sex is great but the things that I don't like I really have no intention of putting up with in any long term manner again. I'll just enjoy this nice casual thing we have going for now. God, he does turn me on, though... mmmmmm!

Hmmmm. Kind of a quiet lonely day so far. Haven't spoken to another human being since yesterday afternoon. Which wasn't that bad seeing I was in bed asleep before 9pm. God, no wonder I used to go out of my mind before I had chemical assistance! This sucks enough on a good day!

It's raining out. Dreary. A constant reminder that I still haven't had the damn gutters cleaned. You know what I should be doing is working on my finances so I can get a damned mortgage. And working on Karl's stuff so I can get out of all that crap. Why am I sitting here? Crap.

You know what I absolutely hate about all of this? Of course you do! I complain about it all the time. Actually, I think I even whine and complain about being too horny when I am seeing someone and getting it all the time at this point of the month. I know Fabe would say "why didn't you just call me?" but I'm not going to sit here horny all night until he gets around to coming over. And I'm a little more bothered about him not wishing me a happy birthday than I want to be. My clit is throbbing!

So, he thought the email was really funny. And then he came over and fucked me. And how do I feel about that? Sunday - great. Monday - pretty good. Tuesday? Yeah, I'm okay. you know, on the positive side, this is really good because now I don't have to fight ever sexual urge that I get. And this way I get to have the best of both worlds. I get to live my life as I have been, busy, busy, going out with friends, working, working out and I get to have sex periodically. On the negative side, well, I'm not exactly sitting by the phone but I have a fear that I will. I guess I'm just afraid of old habits and old feelings coming back to bite me in the ass. But maybe the worst old habit is actually worrying about it. I need to let things happen and not analyze everything to death. Um, what else is new?

But I don't want to get back with him in that old rut that we were always in. I don't want a future with him. I don't want to love him. So, maybe I won't. I need to keep my boundaries and not slip into the sleepover, meals, relationship thing. He has a way of invading my life and I just need to not let that happen.

Anyway! You should see how FUCKING SEXY I am! 198.5 on the scale today. I could scream. When I catch a glimpse in the mirror, now I stop and go 'oh, yeah' instead of 'oh, no!' And this is so much better! I'm loving the gym. I have energy times ten! (Most of the time!!) And I am just LOVING ME!

So, I'll continue to hate men for a while... it looks good on me!

Yeah, I must be out of my mind. Fuck! Am I going to start this again? This is what I wrote to him:

Hi, yeah, me, the freak, the weird woman who can't seem to leave you alone. So, I've been thinking. Actually, it's all your fault because of those emails a couple of weeks ago. Would you have sex with me? (damn, she's blunt!) Yeah, because we really aren't friends anyway so that whole not having sex with my friends theory is out the window. And I'm not talking dating and I'm not talking meals or movies or sleepovers. I'm talking sex. Sometimes. When the need arises. For either of us. Because, quite frankly, I'm going out of my mind. And I kind of exaggerated about the plastic because that's just a tease more than anything at this point. I used to be satisfied with my right hand and you ruined that... so this is, like, your duty. And I don't want to date anyone right now but I want sex. A lot. I mean, I guess I could live without it... it's not water... but it's close. And why not, right? We're two consenting adults. And we might have not been able to do the other stuff right but this... this we had down to a science. And every time I think of you in my mouth I get this weird ache and start to drool. Damn you and your big dick! Best regards, the horny slut."

I KNEW I was going to crack. I KNEW IT. Well, maybe he'll just say no and I won't have to think about this. Yeah, that would be okay. I must review the list AGAIN! Crap.

Okay, so does this ever stop OR WHAT? Seriously, I'm having my doubts. I'm so sick of making this decision over and over. I don't want to be with him. I don't! Logically, I don't. Emotionally, I need to not be with him. So where does this come from? Is it just the natural instinct to want someone in my life? I think I need to go to bed... alone!!!

Crap! Been talking too much about Fabian tonight. Kinda makes me miss him a little git. Damn, I can't wait until five years from now when I can say "Oh, yeah! Remember that Fabian guy? Geez, I haven't thought of him in FOREVER!" Please, that day, please come soon.

Anyway! Had a real fun night. We went to Rebecca's friends for karaoke! I ROCK! It was so fun.

I love hating boys right now! It so takes the pressure off. It changes everything. Everyday, every minute. I just don't care so much. What a fabulous idea! Why didn't I think of this sooner? I guess I just never reached this level of disillusionment. It's a good place for me, I think.

Anyway - go to bed, drunk gurl... how can't rite wery vell!!

And remember, although this is the unfortunate part:
When you give up the bad things
You have to give up the good parts as well.

Yeah, so I spent 2 hours in the emergency room after the last entry. Damn, that was scary. My tongue went fat and numb and I was tripping over my speech. I called Gayleen and Chris to come get me. After we got to the hospital, the allergy medication started to kick in and the swelling went down a bit. They gave me some antihistamine so it wouldn't come back. My eyes are still swollen. I have no idea what is causing this. An allergy to something, but what?

Anyway, I kind of feel like my old self right now. My old self as in pre-chemical enhancement. Not in a big crazy depression but down somehow. Just blah. I don't like it. I just got down with my bad old self in the bedroom and cried afterward. I hate that. It better not start again. Well, back to work and back on a schedule so maybe that will get me in line again.

That episode with Fabian the other night oddly seemed to put me at ease about the whole thing anyway. I guess I was reminded of his lack of caring and je ne sais pas. Asking if I'm horny instead of asking if I'm well or happy or sad. That's how little he thinks of me? Well, I don't really think that. It's more like that's who he is and that's who I don't want to be with anymore.

I need sleep! Puff head!!